Week 8 Scoring Recap

So...I forgot to write a recap last week. I think it's because I didn't get to watch the show until Saturday night and because I knew this last week was going to be the Men Tell All and so the point totals and such didn't really matter this week. But yeah, I forgot. So we'll make this short and sweet.

ZAK'S DATE
- No one else would've thought you'd be here at this point either, Zak. It's sort of a miracle.
- I can't decide if I think it's cool that Zak's family owns a snow cone truck or the dumbest thing ever. While I try to decide, someone please bring me a snow cone.
- I have no idea why he felt it necessary to wear a penguin suit on his all-important date with a woman who has three other men trying to woo her. Maybe he should have made it like the male version of the Slutty Pumpkin.
- I love that Zak's family gave him crap for coming out of the limo shirtless. A good family will mock its own mercilessly, at least that's what I'm trying to teach my three month old. ("Why are there dinosaurs on your shirt, dork?")
- I like how the entire family sat on one side of the table like a sitcom. I like to think they do that even when there aren't cameras in the room.
- You have to like these people.
- The ring was a bold move. Here's the thing: We all knew Zak would be the one going home. It's been set up that way for weeks. But Zak DID NOT know that and I believe the ring plus the cool family ALMOST swayed this thing in his favor.

DREW'S DATE
- Are we absolutely sure this guy likes the ladies? I mean, 100% positive?
- Whenever Drew talks to Des about his feelings for her, I feel like he's trying to convince himself.
- "Hey Zak, I'll see your ring and I'll raise you a mentally handicapped sister that I have NEVER taken anyone to visit." That's pretty tough to beat.
- Anytime you can get your father into a room with your mother and stepfather FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER and put it on national TV, you have to do it. I'm sure they played nice for the cameras but can you imagine the passive aggressive comments going on behind the scenes?
- I was about to get really uncomfortable when Drew's dad started talking about angels and so was Des, but then he brought it back around to the sister so...
- I have almost nothing to say about Drew every week. I'm not sure if that means he's a bad fit or if he's like Catherine last year.

CHRIS' DATE
- I like Chris. I really like Chris. He seems like a genuinely nice guy and someone you probably want to hang out with. But seriously, bro, you have got to cut back on the cheesy, dorky stuff. Even if Des is kinda eating it up now, it's going to get old fast. "Eye Heart Chris" across the eye black strips is the lamest thing EVER.
- Part of Des' livelihood is drawing, right? So why is she so awful at drawing? She'd be a horrible Pictionary player.
- As we pan across Chris' family, everyone looks pretty normal. Except Jill. I bet Jill has a lot of "quirks."
- No offense to any of you but I don't trust chiropractors. I think they're voodoo doctors. Also any sort of medical procedure that requires you to come back every two weeks for the rest of eternity is a bad medical procedure.
- But even if you're a chiropracting fool, having your date's father working on your back and stuff is SUPER WEIRD.
- And at least we won't get out of Chris' house without seeing him try to talk to his dad while his dad is KNUCKLES DEEP in his nostrils. That's awesome.
- I was really hoping the mom was going to end up being disapproving but alas, she relents, like they always do.
- Hey, Des, if you don't pick Chris I hope you get diabetes from Michael G.

BROOKS' DATE
- I have next to nothing to say about this date that I haven't already said. Brooks is a dork, he always seems like he just smoked a J with the animal control guys on Parks and Recreation and the only reason girls think he's attractive is his long hair. If he got Samsoned, no one would care about him. That's not to say I don't like him, I'm just bored by him. (By the way, if you haven't already seen it, watching the link I embedded there is a MUST. Hilarious.)
- That is a lot of people, which, combined with the Utah thing, led at least one of our viewers to theorize that they're all a bunch of Mormons and that Brooks' mom is like the second wife and his dad has to live a public life with the first wife. I can buy that.
- Also, his brothers/brother wives have a lot of DEEP questions. It's like they were competing to see who could ask the most personal, deep question.
- Mom wasn't sold on Des and/or this whole Bachelorette thing. Keep that in mind.

NATE'S VISIT
- Does anyone believe they haven't seen each other since he ruined everything with her with Sean? I don't.
- If this stuff is for real (always a question mark), Des is a complete moron for even talking to her brother, let alone allowing him to have any sort of sway on her decisions.
- I still maintain that Nate is in love with Des and wants to make sure that she doesn't end up with anyone else. It's very Game of Thrones.

In the end, Zak met the fate that everyone knew he'd meet, except for him. Poor guy. He truly was in complete shock. You can tell he was upset because he threw that ring out the window. Hey, I would've never thought I'd say this at the beginning of the season, but: Zak for Bachelor 2014. Make it happen, Chris Harrison!

POINT SCORERS
Zak - 145p (Des Cries, Sings a song, Original Song, Gift, Kiss, Cries)
Drew - 65p (Kiss, Des Cries, Rose)
Chris - 35p (Kiss, Rose)
Brooks - 35p (Kiss, Rose)

ANGELA

Brooks

Elimination pick (Zak) - 200

Total: 235

Previous Total: 2615

SEASON TOTAL: 2850

BRIAN

Brooks

Zak W

Drew

Chris

Elimination pick (Zak) - 200

Fourth Place Finish - 100

Roster Bonus (3) - 200

Total: 780

Previous Total: 3735

SEASON TOTAL: 4515

CARLY

Drew

Brooks

Elimination pick (Zak) - 200

Roster Bonus (2) - 150

Total: 450

Previous Total: 2670

SEASON TOTAL: 3120

EMILY

Brooks

Elimination pick (Zak) - 200

Total: 235

Previous Total: 2245

SEASON TOTAL: 2480

EMMELIE

Drew

Chris

Brooks

Elimination pick (Zak) - 200

Roster Bonus (3) - 200

Total: 535

Previous Total: 2245

SEASON TOTAL: 2780

JENN G

Brooks

Drew

Elimination pick (Zak) - 200

Roster Bonus (2) - 150

Total: 450

Previous Total: 2755

SEASON TOTAL: 3205

JEN R

Brooks

Zak

Elimination pick (Zak) - 200

Fourth Place Finish - 100

Total: 480

Previous Total: 2665

SEASON TOTAL: 3145

JOSH

Brooks

Elimination pick (Zak) - 200

Total: 235

Previous Total: 1925

SEASON TOTAL: 2160

KYLIE

Brooks

Chris

Drew

Zak

Elimination pick (Zak) - 200

Fourth Place Finish - 100

Roster Bonus (3) - 200

Total: 780

Previous Total: 3735

SEASON TOTAL: 4515

LAURA

Brooks

Drew

Elimination pick (Zak) - 200

Roster Bonus (2) - 150

Total: 450

Previous Total: 2415

SEASON TOTAL: 2865

LINDSAY

Brooks

Zak

Fourth Place Finish - 100

Total: 280

Previous Total: 3080

SEASON TOTAL: 3360

LINDSEY

Brooks

Chris

Drew

Elimination pick (Zak) - 200

Roster Bonus (2) - 200

Total: 535

Previous Total: 2945

SEASON TOTAL: 3480

MALLORY

Brooks

Drew

Chris

Elimination pick (Zak) - 200

Roster Bonus (3) - 200

Total: 535

Previous Total: 2875

SEASON TOTAL: 3410

MANDY

Brooks

Elimination pick (Zak) - 200

Total: 235

Previous Total: 1830

SEASON TOTAL: 2065

MICHELLE

Chris

Drew

Elimination pick (Zak) - 200

Roster Bonus (2) - 150

Total: 450

Previous Total: 3010

SEASON TOTAL: 3460

MOLLY

Brooks

Chris

Drew

Elimination pick (Zak) - 200

Roster Bonus (3) - 200

Total: 535

Previous Total: 3120

SEASON TOTAL: 3655

SHELBY

Zak

Drew

Brooks

Elimination pick (Zak) - 200

Fourth Place Finish - 100

Roster Bonus (2) - 150

Total: 695

Previous Total: 2970

SEASON TOTAL: 3665

TIFFANY

Zak

Elimination pick (Zak) - 200

Fourth Place Finish - 100

Total: 345

Previous Total: 2765

SEASON TOTAL: 3110

TOBIN

Brooks

Total: 35

Previous Total: 2310

SEASON TOTAL: 2345

ZACK

Brooks

Chris

Zak

Elimination pick (Zak) - 200

Fourth Place Finish - 100

Roster Bonus (2) - 150

Total: 565

Previous Total: 4000

SEASON TOTAL: 4565

Week 7 Scoring Recap

There I was, sitting down to watch this week's episode of The Bachelorette, note pad in hand, ready to take the appropriate notes to make this recap awesome. And then Andrew Bynum scorned the Mavericks to sign in Cleveland (CLEVELAND!!!), leaving the team even further bereft of talent, and it screwed up my whole plan. My Sports Brain got too distracted and sad to properly take note of everything and also this week's episode was sooooooo boring. Get to the tears already, Des! Anyway, just a couple of thoughts and then I'm out.

1.) WHY IS JACKIE HERE?! I get why Catherine and Lesley are here to help Des with some guidance but Jackie? Not even Jackie's mother remembers that Jackie was on The Bachelor last year and yet Chris Harrison and his cronies pump her up like a major member of the cast. 
2.) The fake hug between Des and Catherine was AWESOME!!! 
3.) Lesley is only here for you, Tobin.
4.) The setting for the date with Brooks was really cool.
5.) I hate it when people say, "Times that" instead of, "Multiple that." 
6.) In the future, there will be points for any date that includes our contestant and his/her suitor yelling something together from a high point.
7.) Also in the future, rubbing sunscreen on our lead contestant will be worth points. 
8.) If Des doesn't pick Chris then what's the point of this whole thing?
9.) I like that Michael is worried his tombstone will say, "Federal Prosecutor, Put Away 700 Criminals" when in reality he should be worried that it'll say, "Diabetic Douche Bag.)="
10.) Drew's attempt to be goofy and fun is awkward because he's neither goofy nor fun.
11.) That's probably my favorite Bachelor/Bachelorette limo exit ever. Calling the mom! "Mom, you're not going to get to meet Des." HAHAHA! I'm probably going to go to hell for laughing at Michael's pain but come on, bro, that's hilarious.

POINT SCORERS
I split the "survive a group date" points between Zak and Drew and just gave them the same points as if they went on a 1-on-1 since there was no elimination. I thought that was fair.
Brooks - 60 (1-on-1, Kiss, Rose)
Chris - 110 (1-on-1, Kiss, Original Poem, Rose)
Michael - 75 (1-on-1, Cries, Kiss)
Zak - 75 (2-on-1, Gift, Kiss, Rose)
Drew - 60 (2-on-1, Kiss, Rose)

ANGELA

Brooks

Michael G

Elimination pick (Michael) - 200

Total: 335

Previous Total: 2280

SEASON TOTAL: 2615

BRIAN

Brooks

Zak W

Drew

Chris

Elimination pick (Michael) - 200

Roster Bonus (4) - 170

Total: 675

Previous Total: 3060

SEASON TOTAL: 3735

CARLY

Drew

Brooks

Elimination Pick (Michael) - 200

Roster Bonus (2) - 100

Total: 420

Previous Total: 2250

SEASON TOTAL: 2670

EMILY

Michael G

Brooks

Elimination pick (Michael) - 200

Total: 335

Previous Total: 1910

SEASON TOTAL: 2245

EMMELIE

Drew

Chris

Brooks

Elimination Pick (Michael) - 200

Roster Bonus (3) - 135

Total: 565

Previous Total: 1680

SEASON TOTAL: 2245

JENN G

Michael G

Brooks

Drew

Elimination Pick (Michael) - 200

Roster Bonus (2) - 100

Total: 505

Previous Total: 2250

SEASON TOTAL: 2755

JEN R

Brooks

Zak

Michael G

Elimination Pick (Michael) - 200

Roster Bonus (2) - 100

Total: 510

Previous Total: 2155

SEASON TOTAL: 

JOSH

Brooks

Michael G

Total: 135

Previous Total: 1790

SEASON TOTAL: 1925

KYLIE

Brooks

Chris

Drew

Zak

Elimination Pick (Michael) - 200

Roster Bonus (4) - 170

Total: 675

Previous Total: 3060

SEASON TOTAL: 3735

LAURA

Brooks

Michael G

Drew

Elimination Pick (Michael) - 200

Roster Bonus (2) - 100

Total: 495

Previous Total: 1920

SEASON TOTAL: 2415

LINDSAY

Michael G

Brooks

Zak

Elimination Pick (Michael) - 200

Roster Bonus (2) - 100

Total: 510

Previous Total: 2570

SEASON TOTAL: 3080

LINDSEY

Brooks

Chris

Drew

Michael G

Roster Bonus (3) - 135

Total: 440

Previous Total: 2505

SEASON TOTAL: 

MALLORY

Brooks

Drew

Chris

Elimination pick (Michael) - 75

Roster Bonus (3) - 135

Total: 440

Previous Total: 2435

SEASON TOTAL: 2875

MANDY

Michael G

Brooks

Total: 135

Previous Total: 1695

SEASON TOTAL: 1830

MICHELLE

Chris

Drew

Elimination Pick (Michael) - 200

Roster Bonus (2) - 100

Total: 470

Previous Total: 2540

SEASON TOTAL: 3010

MOLLY

Brooks

Chris

Drew

Elimination Pick (Michael) - 200

Roster Bonus (3) - 135

Total: 565

Previous Total: 2605

SEASON TOTAL: 3170

SHELBY

Zak

Drew

Brooks

Elimination Pick (Michael) - 200

Roster Bonus (3) - 135

Total: 530

Previous Total: 2440

SEASON TOTAL: 2970

TIFFANY

Zak

Michael G

Total: 150

Previous Total: 2615

SEASON TOTAL: 2765

TOBIN

Brooks

Total: 60

Previous Total: 2250

SEASON TOTAL: 2310

ZACK

Michael G

Brooks

Chris

Zak

Elimination Pick (Michael) - 200

Roster Bonus (3) - 135

Total: 655

Previous Total: 3345

SEASON TOTAL: 4000

Week 6 Scoring Recap

Well, guys, the hoodies are back in play so that must mean it's time for another week of The Bachelorette! Hooray!

DREW'S DATE
Stinking finally Drew gets a 1-on-1 date. This dude is totally the Catherine of this season. Des has always seemed a bit smitten with him but never bothers to hang out with him alone. And since this is the first time they've ever spent more than 10 minutes together, clearly this is the right time for Drew to tell Des that his father used to be an alcoholic and is now possibly dying of cancer, something he has NEVER TOLD ANYONE ELSE EVER. Do you not have any friends, Drew? Family? A dog? Anyone? Yikes. But this tactic seems to work since Des spent the rest of the date making out with him until...

Drew: "Hey, now that I've got the rose and I know I'm safe...I have some bad news."
Des: (Foolishly) "I would love to hear this bad news!"
Drew: "James is probably the Antichrist and actually just wants to use you for his own fame."
*Date ends on a downer*
Way to go, Drew.

MISTRESSES COMMERCIAL
Just a brief break for me to tell you that if you're watching Mistresses then I am not-so-secretly judging you. I realize that may come off as hollow given that I am spending my free time writing a detailed recap of a show like The Bachelorette but it needed to be said nonetheless.

GROUP DATE
I like how the guys, having never seen another reality show ever, saw that they would be playing a team of girls and thought, "Yeah, we got this." As if there was any chance those girls weren't going to turn out to be professionals. But at least we got to hear Brooks declare, "Listen girl scouts! We're about to bake some cookies." That dude is a total dork. But hey, at least he's trying, unlike James who had the misfortune of being forced to wear the cleats filled with cement. What's that? He wasn't wearing shoes filled with cement? That's actually the quickest he can react and move? Was he secretly in that car accident with Bryden? I would have fought him over his lack of effort. And judging by his reaction speed, I would have won. Bob and weave, yo.

After getting trounced by girls, the group retired to a villa of sorts where Des takes turns taking each guy up to her room like a really slutty 9th grade girl. Meanwhile in the living room, we got a truly entertaining confrontation with everyone besides Brooks ganging up on James. And by everyone, I mean Kasey and Michael G. while Chris sat awkwardly at the edge of the couch with a look on his face that said, "I've made a huge mistake." I loved this confrontation because A.) Kasey might be Rainman given his ability to remember, verbatim, every single word that James and Mikey spoke, B.) because James is so incredibly guilty that he immediately starts yelling and saying things that literally make absolutely no sense whatsoever, and C.) because between James and Michael G., at one point the phrase "one on one date" was uttered at least 300 times. It was awesome. Also, none of them made eye contact with each other for more than one second at a time and at the end of it all, Chris got the same "(expletive) you!" that everyone else got even though he didn't say a word the entire time.

After all this, Desiree is DEFINITELY sending James packing on the spot, right? Right?! Wrong. So wrong. Because Des, whom I like, is gullible and maybe a little dumb, at least when it comes to this sort of thing. James said just enough of the right things to keep himself alive knowing that if he just left Des with enough doubt, he'd at least keep himself around till the rose ceremony. Bravo, James. Even though I don't care for James, the look on all the guy's faces when he walked back into the apartment was awesome.

ZAK'S DATE
Of all the many surprises that have come our way during this season, without question the biggest one so far for me is the fact that I actually really like Zak. He may be a clown but he's a truly decent human being, he has a personality, and he knows how to have fun. It's just too bad he's an Aggie and therefore has no soul. I kid, I kid. Anyway, I like this guy, ridiculous skin color-to-tooth color contrast aside. He also happens to be the perfect person for this kind of date. That bit where he messed up the painting and he and Des cracked up is possibly the most legitimately real moment we'll see on this show. That was great. Also, there was the naked man on this date. I'll just leave it at that. In the end, Des and Zak found themselves making out up against a wall, possibly the same wall she and Drew shared earlier in the episode, and clearly I need to add "Making out against a wall" to the point system next year.

JAMES CONFRONTATION NUMBER 2 and ROSE CEREMONY
Here's the thing with James. There are a number of people in this world, mostly guys, who try hard to be good guys. And maybe, through sheer force of will and practice, they are able to be good guys as long as things are relatively under control. But deep down, they have this tendency to be douche bags and no matter how hard they try, during stressful situations, that person comes out. We all know one of these guys. Tim Riggins would have been this guy except that he lived in Dillon, Texas and there was only room for one douche bag in Dillon, Texas and that was JD McCoy, may he rot in hell. Ugh, JD McCoy. I wish coach Taylor would have let his dad beat the crap out of him outside of Applebees when he had the chance. Get owned, JD McCoy. Lions for life. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about then you need to stop watching The Bachelorette and start watching Friday Night Lights instead. Seriously. Like right now. It's a long weekend. You can known out two or three seasons if you try hard enough.) Anyway, that's who James is. Try as he might to be a good guy, and I do believe he was trying, this entire concept is a stressful situation and sooner or later that carefully manicured facade is bound to come down. He's a great salesman, made even more obvious by the fact that his "pitch" for why he should stay around to Des was completely different than the one he tried to sell the guys on, but eventually this was going to unravel.

That said, I'm a little surprised that he didn't make it through at least one more rose ceremony. Obviously Kasey was a goner as he's the classic example of the "lesser evil" theory that applies to this show, meaning that there was always someone worse to send home but he never stood a chance of getting much farther. Juan Pablo's farewell was, I think, the result of having to cut 3 guys instead of just two but let's be honest, the only reason he got this far is his accent. There was never anything there with Des. But when it came down to James and Michael G...I was starting to convince myself that Des had talked herself into keeping James' pecks around for one more week, more because there is not a single redeeming quality to Michael G. Alas, the inconsistencies were too much for James to overcome and he was sent home to party with Mikey and "tall good looking girls with lots of money." Have fun, James!

POINT SCORERS
Drew - 115 (1-on-1, Kiss, Cries, Rose, Confronts)
Juan Pablo - 60 (Mentions Daughter, Group Date, Cries)
Chris - 70 (Kiss, Confronts, Group Date, Rose)
Kasey - 35 (Confronts, Group)
James - 115 (Confronted, Des Cries, Cries, Group)
Brooks - 45 (Kiss, Group, Rose)
Michael G - 45 (Confronts, Group, Rose)
Zak - 65 (1-on-1, Kiss, Rose)

ANGELA

Brooks

Michael G

Juan Pablo

Roster Bonus (2) - 75

Total: 225

Previous Total: 2055

SEASON TOTAL: 2280

BRIAN

Brooks

Zak W

Drew

Chris

Elimination pick (James) - 200

Roster Bonus (4) - 125

Total: 620

Previous Total: 2440

SEASON TOTAL: 3060

CARLY

Drew

Brooks

Roster Bonus (2) - 75

Total: 235

Previous Total: 2015

SEASON TOTAL: 2250

EMILY

Kasey

Michael G

Brooks

Elimination pick (James) - 200

Roster Bonus (2) - 75

Total: 400

Previous Total: 1510

SEASON TOTAL: 1910

EMMELIE

Drew

Chris

Brooks

Roster Bonus (3) - 100

Total: 330

Previous Total: 1350

SEASON TOTAL: 1680

JENN G

Michael G

Brooks

Drew

Elimination pick (James) - 200

Roster Bonus (3) - 100

Total: 505

Previous Total: 1745

SEASON TOTAL: 2250

JEN R

Brooks

Zak

Juan Pablo

Michael G

Elimination pick (James/Kasey) - 150

Roster Bonus (3) - 100

Total: 465

Previous Total: 1690

SEASON TOTAL: 2155

JOSH

Brooks

Juan Pablo

Michael G

Elimination pick (James/Kasey) - 150

Roster Bonus (2) - 75

Total: 375

Previous Total: 1415

SEASON TOTAL: 1790

KYLIE

Brooks

Chris

Drew

Zak

Elimination pick (James) - 200

Roster Bonus (4) - 125

Total: 620

Previous Total: 2440

SEASON TOTAL: 3060

LAURA

Brooks

Michael G

Drew

Elimination pick (James) - 200

Roster Bonus (3) - 100

Total: 505

Previous Total: 1415

SEASON TOTAL: 1920

LINDSAY

Michael G

Juan Pablo

Brooks

Zak

Elimination pick (James) - 200

Roster Bonus (3) - 100

Total: 515

Previous Total: 2055

SEASON TOTAL: 2570

LINDSEY

Brooks

Chris

Drew

Michael G

Elimination pick (Kasey) - 200

Roster Bonus (4) - 125

Total: 600

Previous Total: 1905

SEASON TOTAL: 2505

MALLORY

Brooks

Drew

Chris

Elimination pick (James) - 200

Roster Bonus (3) - 100

Total: 530

Previous Total: 1905

SEASON TOTAL: 2435

MANDY

Juan Pablo

Michael G

Brooks

Elimination pick (Kasey) - 75

Roster Bonus (2) - 75

Total: 300

Previous Total: 1395

SEASON TOTAL: 1695

MICHELLE

Chris

Drew

Elimination pick (James) - 200

Roster Bonus (2) - 75

Total: 460

Previous Total: 2080

SEASON TOTAL: 2540

MOLLY

Brooks

Chris

James

Drew

Elimination pick (Kasey) - 200

Roster Bonus (3) - 100

Total: 645

Previous Total: 1960

SEASON TOTAL: 2605

SHELBY

Zak

Juan Pablo

Drew

Brooks

Elimination pick (Kasey) - 200

Roster Bonus (3) - 100

Total: 585 

Previous Total: 1855

SEASON TOTAL: 2440

TIFFANY

Zak

Michael G

Juan Pablo

Elimination pick (James) - 200

Roster Bonus (2) - 75

Total: 345

Previous Total: 2270

SEASON TOTAL: 2615

TOBIN

Juan Pablo

Brooks

Total: 105

Previous Total: 2145

SEASON TOTAL: 2250

ZACK

Michael G

Brooks

Chris

Zak

Elimination pick (James) - 200

Roster Bonus (4) - 125

Total: 550

Previous Total: 2795

SEASON TOTAL: 3345

Week 5 Scoring Recap

Finally had some time to write this week and maybe more importantly actually watch the show in a timely manner. So welcome back to "making fun of people less fortunate than me to make myself feel better!"

CHRIS' DATE

Gotta be honest, if I was in Germany, I would probably just wander the streets yelling, "DIRK! DIRK! DIRK!" until someone pointed me to his house. (Note: This is also what I do anytime I'm in the ritzier Dallas neighborhoods.) What can I say? I love the man. 

Anyway, it's Chris' time to shine (I think he's the first one to get two one-on-one dates, right?) and

I'm sure no one will interr--- oh, gracious, Bryden's gotta be a beating one more time. I hate this guy. If the most interesting thing about you is that you were once in a car wreck, then why were you cast on this show in the first place? Please get him off my television, Chris Harrison. At the beginning of the date, though, it's clear that these two are MFEO. They're both pretty and they both sort-of have it together and they're both total dorks. Someday they'll probably make pretty, dorky babies together. (I'd have Chris in a neck-and-neck race with Brooks for the win right now.) They seem to be having a great time together in Munich, talking to clown midgets and frolicking to some polka music and--- oh, here comes Bryden and--- oh, here's a close up of a creepy gargoyle! Weird editing, guys. I like how Bryden just stands at the edge of Chris and Des' dancing circle and just stares at them. Because that's not creepy at all. I'm not going to waste anymore time on Bryden. You should have left last week, tool.

But once Bryden has made his exit, it's clear that Des is shaken because, as we all know, men have a hive mind so if one of them leaves, obviously the rest of them will follow suit except no, men aren't like that at all and in fact, the rest of them are all glad to see Bryden go because A.) there's one less guy to contend with and B.) they're probably just as tired of him changing his hair style as the rest of us are. Still, Chris takes Des' concern in stride and says the absolute perfect thing to her ("I am here for the long haul") and that turns everything around, giving him occasion to recite some more poetry. Then it gets weird. 

I rewatched this twice and I'm 99% confident that, during his little aside to the camera time, Chris said, in relation to how much he enjoys his time with Des, that, "I don't have to worry about bedtime, I don't have to worry about brushing my teeth..." This immediately led to speculation within our viewing group that Chris Harrison is running The Bachelorette as some sort of tyrannical sleep away camp where he forces the participants to be in bed at a decent hour and go around checking everyone's toothbrush to make sure they're wet. The possibilities are endless but the best visual I could come up with is Chris Harrison throwing the door open and catching all of the guys throwing themselves into their beds, pretending to be asleep, and yelling, "The next person I hear talking is going on the 2-on-1 date." I love the idea of Camp Harrison and I'm sure this will be a running theme. And also Chris got the rose. Duh.

GROUP DATE

At this point I'd like to ask the question that everyone in the room was wondering so I assume the rest of you were as well. Did everyone lose their luggage on the way to Munich? They're all wearing matching hoodies, matching t-shirts, matching jackets, and matching sunglasses. Maybe that's just the Camp Harrison uniform while overseas. ("Behave and I'll let you wear a button up shirt to dinner. Otherwise you'll stick to that royal blue hoodie, Kasey. Don't think I didn't see you throw away your vegetables at lunch.") Apparently the one thing that is not included in the uniform is a scarf because not even Chris Harrison would pick out the scarf Drew is wearing. Wowzers. 

We head to the top of a mountain where an old man is stationed to teach the guys how to yodel except I'm guessing it's not going to go well for Juan Pablo since he can't even say "yodel." With activities like yodeling that I know nothing about, I always wonder, "Is this guy a good yodeler?" I mean he's not the Ricola guy obviously but do his peers think he's a legend or is he a total scrub and the good yodelers were too busy to make an appearance? These are the things that go through my mind during group dates. 

Now Kasey's talking again and I'm reminded that I wish for Kasey's sake that he was funny. Alas, he is not.

Five important things happened on the rest of the date:

1.) Everyone went sliding down the mountain on tiny sleds that looked like Bumbos. (Thanks for that joke, Lindsey.)

2.) Afterward they went to a hole in the side of the mountain that someone staged as a cool mountain cave lounge.

3.) Brooks got his make out on really fast because Des digs the hair and the weed he brings on every date.

4.) Drew completely nailed James with his whole player/confidence thing. Exactly right, Drew. His cockiness will come out eventually. You can't keep that kind of swag bottled up forever.

5.) Most importantly, ZAK WAS ALMOST A PRIEST!!! This is one of the biggest revelations in the history of the show. Zak, the guy who walked around naked in his intro, was almost a priest. This guy is rapidly becoming the most interesting man in the world.

Also Brooks got the rose because he's going to be in the final two and this makes James sad and gives Zak the Facial Expressions. 

2-ON-1 DATE

This is unquestionably the most awkward 2-on-1 date ever. It's never a good situation but I think the most tense thing that's ever happened on one of these was when William the Cell Phone Salesman stabbed the other dude in the back in Ashley's season. That was nothing compared to the drama of this date.When Des shows up to get Ben and Michael G. the room is super tense. Everyone feels it. Except Kasey. Kasey seems to be enjoying Camp Harrison more than anyone. I think he's just excited to have friends. 

The entire date was basically Michael G. attacking Ben, setting aside all pretense of even pretending to be anything other than the Miami douche bag he really is, while Ben tries to avoid the landmines and Des does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO STOP ANY OF IT. That, to me, is the biggest revelation of this date. We all knew Michael G. was a sorry sack of crap by this point. And hey, we probably all knew that Ben is at best putting on an act with Des and at worst a sleaze who hides behind his son and his faith. What we did not know, however, is that Des is completely spineless and would rather spend an entire evening watching one man attack another man's character than actually have an enjoyable date. She showed more spine with her overbearing brother than she did with Michael. Again, I get that Ben is a poser (and that DEFINITELY came out once he was eliminated; thanks for making us all look good, Ben) but I gotta be honest, in pretty much any setting, let alone in the presence of a girl I was trying to woo, if a dude went after me first over my parenting habits and second over my faith, we are coming to blows. I don't know how that dude sat there and took it. I would have set his stupid hair on fire. I lost any and all respect I might have had for Des over this. Clearly she had already made up her mind that she was sending Ben home and to allow him to be put through the ringer like that when she literally had ALL THE POWER was a heartless, spineless thing to do. 

Anyway, Michael G. got the rose and hopefully he goes home to Florida next week and gets eaten by an alligator or gets into a knife fight with Dwyane Wade that sends them both to prison. Two birds with one stone.

At the end of the day, there is no cocktail party because Des decided on the very first day of this entire show that Mikey wasn't going to last long but she's always had a worse person to send home until now. Later Mikey. You were a horrible match for Des but at least you had a personality and were somewhat entertaining. Good luck on The Jersey Shore 2.0. 

POINT SCORERS

Chris - 160 (1-on-1, Poem, Original Poem, Kiss, Responsible for Des Crying, Rose, Dance)

Bryden - 100 (Leaves Early)

Brooks - 95 (Group Date, Group Rose, Kiss)

Michael G - 75 (Survives 2-on-1, Confronts Another Contestant)

Ben - 75 (Mentions Son, Confronted)

Zak - 45 (Interrupts, Group Date, Rose)

James - 45 (Kiss, Group Date, Rose)

Drew - 20 (Group Date, Rose)

Juan Pablo - 20 (Group Date, Rose)

Kasey - 20 (Group Date, Rose)

Mikey - 10 (Group Date)

ANGELA

Brooks

Michael G

Juan Pablo

Ben

Brad

Elimination picks (Bryden/Mikey) - 150

Total: 415

Previous Total: 1640

SEASON TOTAL: 2055

BRIAN

Ben

Brooks

Zak W

Drew

Chris

Total: 395

Previous Total: 2045

SEASON TOTAL: 2440

CARLY

Nick M

Drew

Brooks

Ben

Zack

Elimination pick (Bryden) - 200

Total: 390

Previous Total: 1625

SEASON TOTAL: 2015

EMILY

Kasey

Michael G

Brooks

Zack K

Elimination pick (Bryden) - 200

Total: 390

Previous Total: 1120

SEASON TOTAL: 1510

EMMELIE

Drew

Nick M

Zack K

Chris

Brooks

Elimination pick (Mikey) - 200

Total: 475

Previous Total: 875

SEASON TOTAL: 1350

JENN G

Ben

Dan

Michael G

Brooks

Drew

Total: 265

Previous Total: 1480

SEASON TOTAL: 1745

JEN R

Brooks

Bryden

Zak

Juan Pablo

Michael G

Total: 335

Previous Total: 1355

SEASON TOTAL: 1690

JOSH

Brandon

Brooks

Juan Pablo

Michael G

Mikey T

Elimination pick (Bryden) - 200

Total: 400

Previous Total: 1055

SEASON TOTAL: 1455

KYLIE

Ben

Brooks

Chris

Drew

Zak

Total: 395

Previous Total: 2045

SEASON TOTAL: 2440

LAURA

Nick M

Zack

Brooks

Michael G

Drew

Elimination pick (Mikey) - 200

Total: 390

Previous Total: 1025

SEASON TOTAL: 1415

LINDSAY

Michael G

Ben

Juan Pablo

Brooks

Zak

Total: 310

Previous Total: 1745

SEASON TOTAL: 2055

LINDSEY

Brandon

Brooks

Chris

Drew

Michael G

Total: 350

Previous Total: 1555

SEASON TOTAL: 1905

MALLORY

Ben

Nick M

Brooks

Drew

Chris

Elimination pick (Ben) - 200

Total: 550

Previous Total: 1715

SEASON TOTAL: 2265

MANDY

Dan

Brad

Juan Pablo

Michael G

Brooks

Elimination pick (Bryden) - 200

Total: 370

Previous Total: 1025

SEASON TOTAL: 1395

MICHELLE

Ben

Brandon

Chris

Nick M

Drew

Total: 255

Previous Total: 1825

SEASON TOTAL: 2080

MOLLY

Brandon

Brooks

Chris

James

Drew

Elimination pick (Bryden) - 200

Total: 520

Previous Total: 1440

SEASON TOTAL: 1960

SHELBY

Bryden

Zak

Juan Pablo

Drew

Brooks

Elimination pick (Bryden) - 200

Total: 480

Previous Total: 1375

SEASON TOTAL: 1855

TIFFANY

Ben

Zack

Zak

Michael G

Juan Pablo

Elimination pick (Mikey) - 200

Total: 415

Previous Total: 1885

SEASON TOTAL: 2270

TOBIN

Ben

Dan

Juan Pablo

Brooks

Mikey

Elimination pick (Bryden) - 200

Total: 400

Previous Total: 1745

SEASON TOTAL: 2145

ZACK

Ben

Michael G

Brooks

Chris

Zak

Elimination pick (Bryden) - 200

Total: 650

Previous Total: 2145

SEASON TOTAL: 2795