Monday, January 16, 2012

Scoring Recap - Week 3

I've probably said it before and I imagine I'll say it again in the future. But this is the worst group of women ever assembled for a bachelor. This is like real dating, not fantasy dating. Most of these girls just blend together to the point where I have to sporadically rewind and pause to make sure I know who it was that just said something bland and insignificant. I'm certain Ben is having the same problem. I imagine his elimination deliberations went something like this:

Chris Harrison: Okay Ben, you've got to send home two girls this week. Who's it going to be?

Ben: I don't know, Chris. I mean, golly (I'm assuming he says things like golly), I can't even tell these girls apart. I know Lindzi because she was the one who rode a horse and I made sure I sent the other Lyndsie home immediately in order to alleviate any confusion over the fact that she has the same name and she looks like a horse. And I know Courtney because she has a major unibrow. And I know Blakelely because she is clearly a Hooters girl. But beyond that? I really don't know.

Chris: How about Casey S.? She basically hasn't talked for three weeks.

Ben: I've got to be honest, Chris. I have no idea who you're talking about. Every once in a while I see this blonde girl walking around and I wonder who she is. Is that Casey?

Chris: Yeah, that's her. She's wearing a really stupid hot pink dress tonight.

Ben: Oh, her! No, I want to keep her because she wears bright colors and I think that helps balance out the fact that I have no personality and therefore dress like a Communist.

Chris: Alright. What about Erika?

Ben: Erika...Erika...is that the girl who has a lip tattoo?

Chris: That is a truth fact.

Ben: Yeah, we gotta get rid of her. I felt like I might get an STD just from talking to her.

Chris: Yeah, she's wretched.

And so on and so forth. I think that's why he sent home an extra girl this week. For once he was able to discern who was who and wanted to make sure he got rid of them all before they blended into the background again and he forgot who they were. Erika was an easy out because of the lip tattoo (did anyone else enjoy the fact that she told him what the word "Amore" means? Uh-DUH!) and the fact that she has no chin which makes her look like the spokeswoman for chewing tobacco PSAs. Shawntel was an easy choice because she stood out from the rest as a desperate, lonely newcomer. And I think Jaclyn was getting a rose until she started running her mouth on the rose ceremony stage and made herself an easy target. The best thing for these girls to do is keep their heads low and remain somewhat of a blended mystery. You're just about guaranteed a trip into the top 10 which should at least be good for a trip to Tahiti or something.


Now, on the matter of Shawntel...

Oh, Honey. There have been a ton of desperate moves throughout the 16 year history of this show. But that might top the list. You've had a few conversations with this guy so you think the best idea for you would be to answer Chris Harrison's call (I know it wasn't Chris who called but I like to think he's the guy calling every shot) and head out to San Francisco to launch yourself into the middle of another Bachelor campaign? Yikes. How overly confident do you have to be?! You've watched these shows before I assume. The odds of Ben sticking with the girl he eventually chooses for even 6 months are like 700,000 to 1. Just bide your time and talk to the guy after the show, you know, like a NORMAL PERSON. At the same time, what a shocking overreaction by virtually every girl in the house. I expected Courtney and a few others to throw a fit but I did not foresee everyone dogpiling her like that. Wow.

Finally, let me just ask the question: Um, what's up with Brittney? Was that for real? Did her grandmother force her to go on the show? Was she just vying for attention and it backfired? Did she just come here to make some new friends? Was she confused and thought this was some form of adult summer camp? Does she not like long-haired wine makers? Or is she just dumb? My money is on some combination of that but definitely with some "dumb" thrown in there. I think we all understood when Madison took her vampire teeth home after it was clear that she and Brad were not on the same page. But this move was just weird. I would mark her down for "most interesting interview" at the Before the Final Rose show if she weren't so terribly dull. Maybe her grandmother will come in her place.

BEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT: It's a tie for me. 1.) At no time during the blatantly exploitative street skiing scene (I feel like that entire date came about as a drunken bet between two producers as to whether or not the other could get "girls in bikinis on ice and/or mud" into the show) did we see Blakeley. That's because there is NO WAY that her, um, "assets" could be shown on TV in that situation. They would have had to fuzz out her entire torso. 2.) I believe it was Jaclyn, during the rose ceremony who said the following: "On a scale of 1 to 10, I think I'm going to throw up." Bravo, Jaclyn. That's my new favorite quote on Facebook.

JENNA
Kacie B - "Steals Ben Away": +50p
Kacie B - Kiss: +25p
Courtney - Kiss: +25p
Jaclyn - Elimination Pick: +25p
Total: +125p
Previous Total: 440p
SEASON TOTAL: 565p

MOLLY
Jennifer - Kiss: +25p
Lindzi - 1-on-1 Date: +25p
Lindzi - Rose on 1-on-1 Date: +10p
Lindzi - Kiss: +25p
Brittney - Elimination Pick: +20p
Jaclyn - Elimination Pick: +20p
Total: +125p
Previous Total: 425p
SEASON TOTAL: 550p

MICAH
Jennifer - Kiss: +25p
Kacie B - "Steals Ben Away": +50p
Kacie B - Kiss: +25p
Jaclyn - Elimination Pick: +50p
Brittney - Elimination Pick: +25p
Total: +175p
Previous Total: 385p
SEASON TOTAL: 560p

CALEB
Lindzi - 1-on-1 Date: +25p
Lindzi - Rose on 1-on-1 Date: +10p
Lindzi - Kiss: +25p
Erika - Elimination Pick: +33p
Jaclyn - Elimination Pick: +34p
Total: +137p
Previous Total: 365p
SEASON TOTAL: 502p

MALLORY
Jennifer - Kiss: +25p
Kacie B - "Steals Ben Away": +50p
Kacie B - Kiss: +25p
Brittney - Elimination Pick: +25p
Total: +125p
Previous Total: 345p
SEASON TOTAL: 470p

EMMELIE
Kacie B - "Steals Ben Away": +50p
Kacie B - Kiss: +25p
Courtney - Kiss: +25p
Jaclyn - Elimination Pick: +30p
Total: +130p
Previous Total: 275p
SEASON TOTAL: 405p

KELBY
Kacie B - "Steals Ben Away": +50p
Kacie B - Kiss: +25p
Courtney - Kiss: +25p
Jaclyn - Elimination Pick: +100p
Total: +200p
Previous Total: 270
SEASON TOTAL: 470p

BRIAN
Brittney - Elimination Pick: +50p
Total: +50p
Previous Total: 250p
SEASON TOTAL: 300p

LINDSEY
Lindzi - 1-on-1 Date: +25p
Lindzi - Rose on 1-on-1 Date: +10p
Lindzi - Kiss: +25p
Courtney - Kiss: +25p
Brittney - Elimination Pick: +35p
Erika - Elimination Pick: +35p
Total: +155p
Previous Total: 240p
SEASON TOTAL: 395p

KYLIE
Kacie B - "Steals Ben Away": +50p
Kacie B - Kiss: +25p
Jaclyn - Elimination Pick: +50p
Brittney - Elimination Pick: +50p
Total: +175p
Previous Total: 235p
SEASON TOTAL: 410p

LAURA BETH
Emily - 1-on-1 Date: +25p
Emily - Rose on 1-on-1 Date: +10p
Emily - "Worst Fear" Date: +25p
Emily - Kiss: +25p
Jaclyn - Elimination Pick: +35p
Total: +120p
Previous Total: 100p
SEASON TOTAL: 220p

SARAH
Rachel - Rose on a Group Date: +50p
Rachel - Kiss: +25p
Brittney - 1-on-1 Date: +25p
Brittney - Leaves the Show Early: +100p
Erika - Elimination Pick: +20p
Jaclyn - Elimination Pick: +20p
Total: +240p
Previous Total: 70p
SEASON TOTAL: 310p

2 comments:

  1. A few of my favorite things from this week:

    Ben putting Brittney in the car to go home: "Say hi to your grandma for me." I mean, what else is there to say? Who was that girl?!

    I also enjoyed the cutaway to Jami (who?! so boring) saying, "I thought Erika was going to die or something!" when our tattoo lipped friend was about to hit the deck. Oh that's comforting, coming from the resident nurse. Isn't Jami a nurse?! Or is she a "nurse" like Ashley was a "dentist"?? There was actually all sorts of hilarious drunken medical advice during this little scene. "Can we get some water over here?!" "Put your head between your legs!" (good luck with that, Erika, as it appears that your upper body is bound by your weird chain sleeved dress) "Maybe we need some orange juice?!" "Oh my god, are you anemic?!" Perfect. My girl Kacie B put it well when she called the whole shebang a 3 ring circus.

    I agree that these gals are boring, but I also think our dear Bachelor, Ben is a little boring-- for TV, anyway. He seems very normal which is why I like him. But I think to compensate for this, they drown him with alternating doses of CRAZY to distract/entertain us (Jenna, the Shawntel gimmick, Blakeley) and boring boring boring to make him look a little more charismatic. When he gave a rose to Casey S., who else was like, "I'm sorry, WHO!?" Although I did like her dress. And Shawntel's necklace.

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  2. I totally forgot about "Say hi to your grandma." Such a "Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals" moment. Loved it.

    And if any of you didn't notice Monica bawling her eyes out while Ben gives Rachel the rose on the group date, go back and watch. Hilarious.

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