Scoring Recap: Week 1

For me, the best part of this whole fantasy Bachelorette thing is the fact that it puts you directly into the shoes of the season’s person of interest. Here are these poor suckers who have approximately 10 seconds to make a positive impression on an attractive woman they just met knowing full well that 24 other poor suckers are attempting to do the same thing. Likewise, said attractive woman has 10 seconds to judge whether or not a given poor sucker is worth talking to again or not. Meanwhile, we all sit at home doing the exact same thing, the only difference being we actually get to take notes. How Emily can tell any of these dudes apart when she heads into the mansion for the first time is beyond me. Regardless, those flash judgments are what make this show and this game so ridiculously appealing (though the gambling aspect certainly doesn’t hurt; gambling makes everything better, amiright?!).

Let me just kick off this season by saying this: I love Emily Maynard. Outside of Melissa Rycroft and, of course, Brad Womack, she is my favorite Bachelor/Bachelorette contestant of all time. She is real, grounded, and down to earth and I appreciate the fact that she actually seems to give a crap about her kid rather than using her as a prop like so many other single parents that have come through the doors of Chris Harrison’s mansion. That said, it is for those exact reasons that I expect this season to be a disaster. Either Emily will hold to her normal (read: “boring”) lifestyle and we’ll be treated to horribly dull television or she’ll crack under pressure and we’ll all be sad. The only way this outcome can be avoided is if Chris Harrison’s minions put together a rowdy and/or catty group of guys that will be a level of drama equal to Jake’s season of The Bachelor. Judging by the first episode, these guys should fit that bill.

 A few highlights from the introductions:

- Tony brings forth one of the lamer bits in the history of the show, topping off the cliché idiocy of the glass slipper bit by referring to himself as Prince Charming. I’m not sure Emily was on board and I know for a fact that I am not on board. Combine that with his, “What has two thumbs…” joke from his introduction video and I already hate this guy. (Note to the universe: if you’re still doing the “What has two thumbs…” joke and you’re not doing it ironically, STOP NOW.)

- Who here isn’t disappointed that we won’t get an extra week of douchiness from “singer/songwriter” David? I know I am. That guy was gold in terms of blogger fodder. What a waste. However, if I’m not mistake, isn’t Jenna from last season also from New York? She and David should totally hook up and start a reality TV show together. I would…not watch that but it would make The Soup awesome.

- Jackson gets my nomination for, “Guy Who is Here Solely Because a Producer Thought He Was Hot and Wanted to Sleep with Him.” There’s one of these in every cast. As a proud supporter of Emily, I’m glad to note that she clearly was not digging his act.

- Charlie seems like a really nice dude and I’m glad to have him on my team if for no other reason than his dog is awesome. However, I am concerned that he is completely and totally immobile. He might be the slowest moving human on the planet after his accident. (Also there’s approximately a 3% chance that his accident did not involve heavy drinking. I’m just saying.)

- Apparently John’s nickname is “Wolf.” Might as well be “Douche.”

- Sean, Nate, and Kyle might all be the same person. I’m not entirely sure yet.

- Let’s just be honest about Alessandro: he spent a solid 8 seconds staring directly at Emily’s boobs. I guess that could be considered a compliment in either Brazil or Minnesota but it doesn’t go over well in North Carolina. Alessandro is also the leader in the clubhouse for “Worst Facial Hair”, always a positive.

- For the rest of his (short) run on the show, I will continue to refer to Joe as “The Jester” and my mind will picture this in his place.

- Note to Jef: if you look like that, run a hip water company, and ride a skateboard everywhere you go, WHY DO YOU LIVE IN UTAH?! I can’t imagine his community is super on board with him.

- Stevie’s dance moves were not human. I call alien.

- The thing about Kalon is this: he’s a total nerd. That’s it. That’s all there is to it. He spent most of his formative years playing Dungeons and Dragons and deep down, he really misses his level 12 ranger. But now that he makes big money, he can afford to disguise his nerdery in fancy clothes and helicopters. Basically, he’s Alan Cumming in Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion. The guys will hate him, Emily was CLEARLY not digging his persona, but I think he’s harmless. I don’t think it’ll be him provoking the drama this year as much as we all thought he would at the beginning. Also, he looks like John Krasinski’s marionette impersonation.

Beyond these initial impressions, there wasn’t just a whole lot worth noting. Doug’s letter from his child was a GENIUS ploy and it worked perfectly. Time will tell if that guy is for real (there’s something off about him in my book) but that was a smart move. Also a smart move: Arie coming right out and telling Emily about his career. It was risky but he earned serious trust currency with her for doing that straight away. (Although, I don’t think Emily is anywhere near as “fine” with his career as she says she is.) And judging by the amount of interest Emily showed in a wide variety of guys, I think it’s safe to say that this could be one of the more wide open fields this show has seen in some time.

BRIAN

SEAN: Interrupts another person’s alone time: +50p

SEAN: Uses the term “steal away”: +15p

JEAN PAUL: Elimination pick: +50p

TOTAL: 115p

LINDSEY

DOUG: First Impression Rose: +100p

DOUG: Brings a present (Note from kid): +25p

DOUG: First to Mention Kid/Divorce: +100p

BRENT: Mentions kid(s): +25p

RANDY: Elimination pick: +25p

TOTAL: 275p

KYLIE

BRENT: Elimination pick: +50p

TOTAL: 50p

EMILY

KALON: Accused of being fake: +50p

KALON: Says “I’m here for her”: +25p

SEAN: Interrupts another person’s alone time: +50p

SEAN: Uses the term “steal away”: +15p

JACKSON: Elimination pick: +30p

BRENT: Elimination pick: +20p

JEAN PAUL: Elimination pick: +50p

TOTAL: 240p

MALLORY

CHRIS: Brings a present: +25p

JEAN PAUL: Elimination pick: +50p

BRENT: Elimination pick: +25p

DAVID: Elimination pick: +25p

TOTAL: 125p

MOLLY

JEAN PAUL: Elimination pick: +50p

BRENT: Elimination pick: +25p

JACKSON: Elimination pick: +25p

TOTAL: 75p

EMMELIE

DOUG: First Impression Rose: +100p

DOUG: Brings a present (Note from kid): +25p

DOUG: First to Mention Kid/Divorce: +100p

CHRIS: Brings a present: +25p

RANDY: Elimination pick: +25p

TOTAL: 275p

CALEB

CHRIS: Brings a present: +25p

TOTAL: 25p

JENNA

BRENT: Elimination pick: +50p

JEAN PAUL: Elimination pick: +50p

TOTAL: 100p

KELBY

DOUG: First Impression Rose: +100p

DOUG: Brings a present (Note from kid): +25p

DOUG: First to Mention Kid/Divorce: +100p

SEAN: Interrupts another person’s alone time: +50p

SEAN: Uses the term “steal away”: +15p

BRENT: Elimination pick: +50p

JEAN PAUL: Elimination pick: +50p

TOTAL: 385p

JOSH

KALON: Accused of being fake: +50p

KALON: Says “I’m here for her”: +25p

BRENT: Elimination pick: +25p

LERONE: Elimination pick: +50p

TOTAL: 150p

MANDY

JOE: Interrupts another contestant’s alone time: +50p

JEAN PAUL: Elimination pick: +100p

TOTAL: 150p

SARAH

BRENT: Elimination pick: +25p

TOTAL: 25p

JOEY

DOUG: First Impression Rose: +100p

DOUG: Brings a present (Note from kid): +25p

DOUG: First to Mention Kid/Divorce: +100p

JACKSON: Elimination pick: +10p

TOTAL: 235p


KAITI

KALON: Accused of being fake: +50p

KALON: Says “I’m here for her”: +25p
BRENT: Elimination pick: +25p
JACKSON: Elimination pick: +50p
DAVID: Elimination pick: +25p
TOTAL: 175p