But in spite of the incredible joy this kid has brought into my life, it is not much fun to make fun of a baby (though I have tried) and as such there has been a hole in my life that can now be filled with 10 glorious weeks of The Bachelorette. Welcome back, Chris Harrison!
DESIREE
Let's start off by saying that if you can't get through your own elongated introduction without crying, you're probably not going to be able to hold it together through the course of the show. So get ready for a handful of breakdowns. Secondly, Desiree may end up being the most complex Bachelorette ever. She has to be the first one to drive a crappy mid-90s Honda Accord and while other Bachelorettes have come from less-than wealthy backgrounds (Ashley comes to mind), I'd wager she's the only one who spent her childhood living in a tent. (Did anyone else notice how they played up the fact that she lived in an apartment as a kid but passed over the "living in a tent" angle? You're burying the lead, Chris Harrison!) She has less education than some of the previous contestants and she definitely has a bit of baggage relating to her family that she hasn't dealt with. No judgment on ANY of these things, mind you, I'm just saying she's going to be more difficult to figure out than some of our past players. And she's got some pretty mad skills when it comes to rollerblading on the boardwalk in a bra. So there's that, too.
CONTESTANT INTROS
If Chris Harrison really cared about us, the viewers and more specifically the fantasy league players, he'd force the producers to do an intro on every single contestant and post it on the website before hand. I'm not saying I'd spend 3 hours watching all of these videos beforehand except yes I am saying that, I would watch the crap out of that. Anyway, a few highlights from the intros:
- Bryden is not a real name;
- Show of hands: If you saw Will on a public street trying to high five strangers, you'd think he was retarded, right? Be honest;
- If you saw Nick R. on the same public street and knew nothing about him, you'd guess he's a magician, right?
- Zak is definitely an Aggie;
- I actually liked Robert when reading through the bios but now I see that he is the most boring human ever. Also, you invented sign spinning? I'm not sure that's something you can invent;
- Hey Mike R, swapping careers a half dozen times before the age of 30 does not make one a "Renaissance Man."
LIMO EXITS
Since almost every single contestant came out of the limo with a pre-determined bit, let's rank the bits from top to bottom.
(Dan, Brooks, Bryden, James, and Mikey automatically win because they didn't come equipped with a dumb bit and therefore are better people than the rest of these jokers.)
1. Ben - How do you beat the kid? I know Ben turns out to be evil later but this was a genius stroke.
2. Juan Pablo - It always helps to have an accent and he brought chocolate. Perfect!
3. Chris - Who doesn't like a fake marriage proposal? Jim Halpert would be proud.
4. Drew - He may not have come out with a pre-arranged bit but staring at Des' boobs was definitely a risky bit, if unintentional. But she didn't seem to mind so kudos, sir.
5. Zak - In hindsight, maybe hang on to the shirt so that you can put it on later but a bold move that paid off.
6. Brandon - Riding up on the motorcycle proved to Des that you're a wild and crazy guy and also a bit of a douche.
7. Nick H - If you're going to go the song/poem route, make it short and relatively humorous like this. Much better than this.
8. Brad - The wishbone was lame but at least it was quick and easy unlike...
9. Michael G - ...the coin bit. I was embarrassed for you, Michael.
10, 11, 12. Brian, Zack, Robert - If there's anything worse than a bit, it's pulling a bit that falls flat. Brian didn't wear a suit because he "wears one every day" (humblebrag), Zack wore a tux but countered it with Chuck's because he's clearly a wacky dude, and Robert wants to take his tie off because he's "not a tie guy." Then why wear it in the first place?
13. Micah - I give the guy credit for trying but that "suit" was an atrocity. Should have just rented a Dumb and Dumber suit and claimed it as your own.
14. Will - Nicknaming someone "Athena" upon first meeting them is kinda creepy. Also, true story, just this weekend Lindsey was challenged to fight in a gladiator arena by our special needs bagger at Kroger and he looked quite a bit like Will with a beard. I'm just saying...
15. Mike R - First off, dentists aren't doctors and second, does anyone even watch Grey's Anatomy anymore? Cool reference, dude.
16. Nick R - Simply put, magic is stupid.
17. Kasey - Hashtag, SHUT UP.
18. Diogo - Hey, go big or go home, right? How quickly did Diogo regret his suit of armor choice? Was it when he stepped out of the limo or the second he put it on back at his hotel?
19. Larry - I hated Larry in his bio and the awful, embarrassing attempt at dipping Des (kind of against her will) justified that dislike.
20. Jonathan - Much more to come on Jonathan but for now, let's just say you're probably a horrible person.
COCKTAIL PARTY
I like this whole "hand out the roses whenever you feel like it" thing that Sean started. It puts more pressure on the guys and I th--- OH MY SWEET LORD STOP SAYING HASHTAG, KASEY!!! Or only speak in hashtag with no break in character. You'd go home ever faster but at least I'd respect your commitment as you rode home alone. #SadFace Anyway, back to the show, Des has now said something about having "been in the shoes" of the contestants and I wonder if maybe we should start taking bets on how many times she'll say that this season. Over/Under: 20.
Scattered quick hit thoughts from the cocktail party:
- Nick R's bit to get the first alone time with Des was actually kind of funny. This will be the last time I ever compliment a magician who isn't Gob.
- It wouldn't make it past the pilot stage, but were I in charge of NBC, I'd greenlight a Larry and Will sitcom just to see their dynamic play out for 30 minutes.
- Hey Brandon, it's probably a little early to be giving away a big gift like your mom's sobriety medal. Wow.
- Brooks might enjoy marijuana.
- I usually don't care for Jersey Shore knockoffs but Mikey is growing on me already...
- I'm sorry, did Ben say his son was the result of two best friends who just wanted to have a kid? They should make a movie about that. Oh, they already did.
- Zak's mouth is saying "I'm 100% serious about this" but his toplessness is saying "I'm here for the party." Also, your big play is to jump in a freezing pool? Weird dude.
- Watching Larry doubt himself is now my air. Hilarious.
- Bryden passed Ben on the scale of "Shameless Plug for How Great I Am" with that completely irrelevant story about the kid he knew in Iraq.
- Brian looks like a bad guy in a college dorm movie in the early 90s.
- He's on my team so I hope I'm wrong but Drew is striking me as extremely fake. We'll see.
- Back to Larry being a creeper with Des. This guy has DEFINITELY held someone hostage at some point in the past or possibly the present.
- Wait, Jonathan had too much to drink? Him? No way. I would have never guessed.
- Is there ANY question that Jonathan tried to put a Roofi in Des' drink?
- Best two quotes from the night, both from Jonathan: "My mom says I'm good looking." (Awesome on so many levels.) And "My love tank hasn't been depleted in years." (Someone should write a journalistic essay on this quote and delve into the psychology of what was just said. Emmy, this is right up your alley.)
- That crash and burn will definitely find a prominent place on the blooper reel. I would not be surprised if Jonathan did not come back for the Men Tell All.
ROSE CEREMONY
Not a whole lot of drama at the rose ceremony this time thanks to the aforementioned rule about handing out roses all willy-nilly. I wrote down six names that I thought were going home (including Jonathan who got the boot after getting all frisky and such) and Will was the only surprise to stick around. I guarantee he's gone next week. But the conclusion of the ceremony did get us one last moment with Larry who can't seem to understand that he wasn't sent home because of "the dip" but because of his generally creepy persona. But at least he practiced that dip on at least 50 people back home. Wait, what?
POINT SCORERS
Bryden - 85p (First to mention Sean, rose)
Mikey - 35p (Mentions brother, rose)
Nick M - 60p (Original poem, rose)
Juan Pablo - 50p (Brought a gift, displayed a skill (soccer), rose)
Brandon - 60p (Interrupts alone time, brought a gift, rose)
Brad - 35p (Displayed a skill (dance), rose)
Jonathan - 95p (Brought a gift (fantasy suite card), Gets clearly drunk, Interrupts, uses the term "steal away", accused of not being here for the right reasons)
Ben - 225p (Brings a gift (rose), first to discuss son, interrupts, 1st rose)
Larry - 25p ("Skill")
Dan, Michael G, Brooks, Drew, Chris, Kasey, Zak, Zack - 10p each (rose)
ANGELA
Brooks - 10p
Michael G - 10p
Juan Pablo - 50p
Ben - 225p
Brad - 35p
TOTAL: 330
BRIAN
Ben - 225p
Brooks - 10p
Michael G - 10p
Drew - 10p
Chris - 10p
TOTAL: 265
CARLY
Nick M - 60p
Bryden - 85p
Brooks - 10p
Ben - 225p
Zack - 10p
TOTAL: 390
EMILY
Kasey - 10p
Michael G - 10p
Mike R - 0
Zack K - 10p
Jonathan - 95p
TOTAL: 125
EMMELIE
Drew - 10p
Nick M - 60p
Zack K - 10p
Chris - 10p
Jonathan - 95p
TOTAL: 185
JENN G
Ben - 225p
Dan - 10p
Michael G - 10p
Zak - 10p
Drew - 10p
TOTAL: 265
JEN R
Brooks - 10p
Bryden - 85p
Zak - 10p
Juan Pablo - 50p
Michael G - 10p
TOTAL: 165
JOSH
Brandon - 60p
Brooks - 10p
Juan Pablo - 50p
Michael G - 10p
Mike R - 0
TOTAL: 130
KYLIE
Ben - 225p
Brooks - 10p
Chris - 10p
Drew - 10p
Zak - 10p
TOTAL: 265
LAURA
Nick M - 60p
Zack - 10p
Larry - 25p
Michael G - 10p
Drew - 10p
TOTAL: 115
LINDSAY
Michael G - 10p
Ben - 225p
Juan Pablo - 50p
Brooks - 10p
Larry - 25p
TOTAL: 320
LINDSEY
Brandon - 60p
Brooks - 10p
Chris - 10p
Kasey - 10p
Michael G - 10p
TOTAL: 100p
MALLORY
Ben - 225p
Nick M - 60p
Brooks - 10p
Drew - 10p
Chris - 10p
TOTAL: 315
MANDY
Dan - 10p
Brad - 35p
Juan Pablo - 50p
Michael G - 10p
Mike R - 0
TOTAL: 105
MICHELLE
Ben - 225p
Brandon - 60p
Chris - 10p
Nick M - 60p
Zack - 10p
TOTAL: 365
MOLLY
Brandon - 60p
Brooks - 10p
Chris - 10p
James - 10p
Drew - 10p
TOTAL: 100p
SHELBY
Zack - 10p
Zak - 10p
Juan Pablo - 50p
Drew - 10p
Brooks - 10p
TOTAL: 90p
TIFFANY
Ben - 225p
Zack - 10p
Zak - 10p
Michael G - 10p
Dan - 10p
TOTAL: 265
TOBIN
Ben - 225p
Dan - 10p
Juan Pablo - 50p
Larry - 25p
Mikey - 35p
TOTAL: 320
ZACK
Ben - 225p
Michael G - 10p
Brooks - 10p
Zack - 10p
Zak - 10p
TOTAL: 265
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