Sunday, January 12, 2014

Week 1 Recap

Welcome to another exciting season of The Bachelor Fantasy League! Or, the Sport of Kings as the Romans called it. Chris Harrison has promised this will be the most exciting, drama-filled season ever and he's not one to exaggerate things so I believe him. Let's jump right in.


- It just occurred to me, as the first bits of footage run, that we know only three things about Juan Pablo:
1.) He is of Venezuelan descent. (Actually I couldn't remember exactly where he was from so I had to Google it. Off to a good start.)
2.) He was a professional soccer player. (But does the Venezuelan league really count?)
3.) He has a daughter.
That's it. That's all we know because he spent Des' whole season sort-of mumbling and kissing and then he was gone. So whereas Chris Harrison wants us to believe he is the most attractive Bachelor ever (HOW DARE YOU FORGET ABOUT BRAD WOMACK, CHRIS!!!), he probably should have just called him the "Most Mysterious Bachelor" ever. That is, until they bring back the guy that wore a mask in Ashley's season.
- My only real question about all of this: If you live in Miami, a city that is literally overflowing with attractive women, why do you need to go on The Bachelor? Oh right, fame mongering. My bad.
- I love in these intros when they make the Bachelor/Bachelorette walk on a beach and look dejected in the presence of another couple making out. At least JP has his soccer ball to keep him company. Like Wilson.
- When Sean asked JP, "What's your kissing strategy?" I like to think that Don Draper, Frank Sinatra, and a host of other real men everywhere rolled over in their respective, booze-soaked graves.

Now, of course we've all looked these women over time and time again on the website in order to make our roster selections but here are just a couple of things that stood out:
- I can't get a read on Chelsie. I know she can't win but she seems like a lot of fun. Is it the kind of fun that will stick around for a long time or the kind of fun that will get decidedly less fun when she's stuck in a house with a bunch of catty women and drinks too much?
- Renee has a kid (common ground!) and she's very athletic (a factor this year) but she also seems normal so that won't play.
- The court room scene with Andi might as well have been filmed on the set of Judge Judy. Fakest thing ever. Also, her sun glasses remind me of David Caruso. Not the best image.
- I liked Amy when I looked at her online bio. After seeing this video, I am thanking my lucky stars I didn't pick her. What a weirdo.
- Lacy is clearly a very serious, good person so I imagine she'll be gone by night's end.
- In my show notes for Clare's bio, I wrote. "Hot, half-Mexican, dead dad." She's perfect for reality TV!


Very quickly, a few notes on the limo entrances:
- I thought Amy's "The sun could not set fast enough" statement was weird but then someone else said it later so maybe this was a point of discussion in the limo.
- Christy said that she "wouldn't be here for anyone else" and then I missed the next 30 minutes of the show because I was laughing so hard.
- According to JP, Kat smells good which should give ABC a great idea for upcoming seasons: Scratch and Sniff The Bachelor! I'll just leave now.
- Victoria looks sweet and normal which is awesome because we all think she's going to go CRAZY in the next episode or two.
- I'm pretty sure Lucy got lost on the way to a Renaissance faire and somehow would up in the Bachelor limo. I know she's a "free spirit" but seriously, she looks like she should be spinning around a Maypole.
- Valerie and Danielle get to share the award for Worst Dress of the Season.
- I could not possibly be any more "meh" on Elise.
- Lauren H. has some of the worst facial expressions I've ever seen on a person. She is the polar opposite of Jim Halpert. (BTW, if you love Jim Halpert as much as I do, you'll want to watch that one.)
- I'm a big fan of dogs (not my dog, you understand, but other people's dogs and dogs I've had in the past) but the whole bring the dog bit from Kelly was weird. Also, is it me or does she kind of look like a dog?
- Alexis gets the prize for being the first and only participant to really speak Spanish to JP.
- And Kylie might be a man.


- Regarding JP's long speech at the beginning of the party: what percentage of these women understood more than half of what he said? I'm guessing 25% at best.
- That dance party was soooo lame compared to The Office dance party.
- I really enjoyed Nikki asking JP if he knew what a pediatric nurse is and his simple response of, "No."
- We've had plenty of instances of participants getting a little tipsy on the first night but have we ever had The Bachelor/Bachelorette get drunk? Because JP was in need of some STRONG coffee by about halfway through the party.
- I cannot wait for all the fights Lucy is going to start this year. She's the perfect contestant for this show.
- So...we all understand now why none of Amy's boyfriends like her massage's right?
- There have been worse meltdowns in the history of this show but Lauren H's was a particularly devastating brand of psychological breakdown. You know you're losing it when you say things like, "I'm sooooo over it" while crying over the very thing you just said you're over. She is very lucky Sean wasn't here to convince JP to give her another week out of courtesy.
- The best way I can characterize Sharleen is to say she is very put together. Professional, serious, composed. Her breakdown will come quickly I think. BUT! That sort of togetherness was enough to confuse Tipsy Juan Pablo into giving her the First Impression Rose which clearly she didn't care about and clearly JP will regret later. This could be a PSA on drinking.


I have only two thoughts on this first ceremony:
1.) THAT DANG DOG IS STILL HERE??? What is happening? Is she just going to be wandering around the mansion all season? Think of the things that poor dog is going to be subjected to!!! I'm calling the SPCA. Sarah McLachlan is not happy.
2.) Kylie walking forward was EPIC. And I don't even like saying "EPIC." We're all over "EPIC", right? But what other term fits? There are so many layers to that! For one, even with that thick accent, it didn't sound like he said "Kylie" AT ALL. For another, if you had stopped the show after the limo exits and asked me to put money on which girl would pull this, I DEFINITELY would've picked Kylie. OF COURSE she did that. And lastly, if before the ceremony, Chris had JP rank the contestants from top to bottom, there's no question that Kylie would've been on the bottom. Such a ridiculous moment of television.

(NOTE: I didn't make note of who brought a gift for JP and who brought a gift for Camila so all gift givers are getting 20 this week. Also, it actually had to be a GIFT, not a PROP to get points.)
Renee - 50p (first to mention kid to JP)
Christine - 20p (brings a gift for Camila)
Nicki - 25p (visible tattoo)
Kat - 15p (shares a dance with JP)
Lauren S - 50p (performs a song, original song)
Ashley - 20p (gift)
Maggie - 20p (gift)
Lacy - 20p (gift)
Alexis - 15p (speaks Spanish)
Elise - 50p (first to mention dead family member)
Lauren H - 25p (cries during interview)
Danielle - 20p (gift)
Sharleen - 125p (first impression rose)
Clare, Nikki, Renee, Andi, Alli, Chantel, Lauren S, Kelly, Cassandra, Danielle, Chelsie, Kat, Victoria, Christy, Lucy, Elise, Amy L. - +10p for a rose

Total: 40
Total: 140
Total: 160
Total: 105
Total: 105
Total: 280
Total: 115
Total: 130
Total: 110
Total: 125
Total: 130
Total: 60
Total: 100
Total: 180
Total: 140
Total: 125
Total: 130
Total: 90
Total: 190
Total: 190

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