Thursday, January 23, 2014

Week 3 Scoring Recap

I'm doing things a little differently this week. Instead of watching the show, taking notes, and coming back later to write the recap, I'm just going to write as I watch. So it's essentially live blogging this important event in human history, only I'm "live blogging" an event that was taped months ago and then broadcast over 48 hours ago. Hip hip!

- Quote from Kelly: "A lot of love has come out of this show." I'm not entirely sure she's ever watched this show before. Or she defines "a lot", two? Do we count Jason and Molly considering that he had to throw my girl Melissa Rycroft under the bus on national TV to get to Molly? Do we count Ashley and JP in spite of JP's really unfortunate nipples? I'm not so sure about "a lot."
- I say this every season, but, Note to Bachelor producers: More Chris Harrison.
- I kind of feel like behind the scenes, Sean told Juan Pablo that the best strategy is to give roses and important dates to the weirdest, most socially awkward girls in the house and keep everyone guessing. First Sharleen, then Kelly, now Cassandra? Come on.

- This girl has ZERO personality.
- Kind of wish the driving into the water thing was really just JP realizing that Cassandra is a complete waste of time and deciding to strand her in the water while he runs back to the mansion.
- So are we supposed to connect the dots that Cassandra got knocked up on her last first date? Because I did. Is that wrong?
- Renee seems like a really nice person. She's like the house mom. So she'll probably be gone within the next week.
- What's happening with the music in this episode? Isn't it usually just background music, not actual songs? Wait, are they preparing us for the return of theme songs on this show??? Are we getting a remix of "On the Wings of Love" sung in Spanish??? Gosh I hope so.
- Stop wearing that bandanna right this instant, Kat.
- Did you guys know this is Cassandra's first date in three years?
- No one has Cassandra on their roster so I'm basically just playing Skip Bo on my iPad at this point.
- Christy is still here?! Has she spoken even once?
- I feel like he's about to ask Cassandra to babysit Camilla while he goes on a date with Clare.
- There can't be much worse in this world than being 21 and having your occupation listed as "FORMER NBA Dancer."
- She has a giraffe neck which is obviously what he's looking for given the rose.

- I think it's funny to think that any of these girls have ever, in their lives, given one second of thought to MLS soccer. I guarantee most of them had to be primed on who the LA Galaxy are and what sport they play.
- Is Kelly having an allergic reaction to something? Her eye is getting droopier by the episode.
- Ashlee told me that Elise was once "involved" with one of the guys from the Jersey Shore and I absolutely believe this.
- Wait, the opera singer isn't good at sports? Is this real life?
- I just spent the last 5 minutes trying to figure out who the blonde on Blue is and just realized it's Christy, who I've already made a joke about in this recap. Go home, Christy.
- Nikki is playing this beautifully. She's not anywhere near as unnerved and insecure as she's letting on but man she's working it in just the right way. She's playing a great game, she will definitely be someone that the other girls hate later on.
- Elise is going to murder Chelsie in her sleep. Keep one eye open, Chelsie!
- Daniella looks like a flesh colored Na'vi. (Thanks for that joke, Ashlee.)
- I cannot figure this Sharleen girl out. What's her deal, y'all?
- And the award for the first girl to freak out about the Bachelor kissing multiple girls goes to...ANDI!!!
- I like that JP says this is his favorite group date, which is pretty much a given considering that there have only been two so far and on the last one, a girl actually and quite literally went CRAZY.
- Sharleen is going to lose her crap. I'm telling y'all, Nikki came to play.

- Lucy sounds like a man right now.
- "He didn't go right to Chelsie today, he looked right at me." Oh Elise.
- There's no way Chelsie actually likes this music. I don't even think actual Hispanics like Latin music.
- I'm getting more and more excited for Elise's inevitable meltdown.
- I would like to see a scale that goes from 1 to terrified.
- I've said it before, I'm sure I'll say it again: It is bad business for both The Bachelor and ABC to have one of their contestants die while doing a bungee jump. So suck it up and jump off the bridge.
- At this point, just push her off.
- And the obligatory upside down kissing. Because, hey, if you can pattern your relationship after Jake and Vienna, you have to do it. (The Internet did not have a picture of Jake and Vienna hanging upside down on a bungee cord so really, I don't even know what the Internet is for anymore.)
- Hey Elise, you're 3 years older than Chelsie and also you've been linked to The Jersey Shore. So maybe shut it.
- Well, last week's concert was semi-rock-like (BTW, did anyone besides Lindsey and me know who Josh Krajcik is?) so obviously we couldn't go two weeks in a way without a dose of country. I should start giving extra points if the concert is not country. And 1 million bonus points if it is country and the girl is like, "No thanks" and walks out.

- Wait, Kelly isn't a morning person? You guys. I feel like I don't know these girls at all. I'm totally kidding. There was never any way that Kelly would enjoy the morning ever.
- How bad does Molly the Dog hate her life?
- Renee is going to kill in this early morning setting. Way more natural than anyone else. (I guess besides Lucy, but does she really count?)
- Oh hey there's Christy again! Enjoy your last meal in the mansion, Christy.
- We could probably all do without the close up shot of someone putting sunscreen on her boobs, right?
- I love that these girls are trashing Kat for being "aggressive." This is why she's a contender and you'll be in a limo soon, ladies.
- Just go home, Sharleen. This is not the place for you. This bit of yours is going to get old fast.
- Oh Clare, I had such high hopes for you but you cannot be freaking out about this stuff this early in the game.
- Hey when does Kacie B show up to try and talk her way on to the show? I thought that was a new tradition.
- There's Renee to be House Mom again. She's got to be the nicest person in the world.

- Did they wait another 8 hours before they did the rose ceremony or did Chris Harrison have his cronies lower the lights in the dome like in The Truman Show? These are the things I look forward to learning when Chris' autobiography comes out.
- You know what would make this better? If there was a dude with a massive keyboard setup over in the corner cranking out those harsh tones that signal the beginning of the drama. How much more tense would this whole thing be? Gah, I'd love that.
- At this point, we have to assume JP really digs Molly the Dog, right? He can't possibly be into Kelly.
- I'm nervous. Lucy hasn't caused near enough drama to this point to justify having her on my team.
- Noooooo!!!!! How do the producers not FORCE him to keep the free spirit girl around?! Curse you, Chris Harrison!!!
- Christy can't believe it's over; I can't believe she made it this long.

Elise - 50 (Talks about dead mom, survives without date)
Andi - 45 (Group date, rose, kiss)
Sharleen - 85 (Group date, rose, kiss, cry)
Nikki - 60 (Group date, group rose)
Chelsie - 110 (1-on-1 date, Date with worst fear, harness, kiss, rose, concert)
Clare - 95 (Tattoo, Cry, Cry in Interview)
Christy - 35 (Group date, cry)
Lucy - 35 (Group date, cry)
Renee - 20 (Group date, rose)
Kelly - 20 (Group date, rose)
Kat - 20 (Group date, rose)
Alli - 20 (Group date, rose)
Lauren - 20 (Group date, rose)
Daniella - 20 (Group date, rose)

Roster: 135
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 135
Season Total: 280
Roster: 145
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 145
Season Total: 420
Roster: 190
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 190
Season Total: 910
Roster: 180
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 180
Season Total: 735
Roster: 255
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 255
Season Total: 920
Roster: 290
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 490
Season Total: 1145
Roster: 215
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 215
Season Total: 685
Roster: 255
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 255
Season Total: 745
Roster: 85
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 85
Season Total: 305
Roster: 330
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 330
Season Total: 815
Roster: 180
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 180
Season Total: 410
Roster: 255
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 255
Season Total: 875
Roster: 275
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 275
Season Total: 735
Roster: 255
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 455
Season Total: 730
Roster: 200
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 200
Season Total: 985
Roster: 330
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 530
Season Total: 1130
Roster: 170
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 370
Season Total: 1120
Roster: 255
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 455
Season Total: 1185
Roster: 300
Elimination Picks: 75
Total: 375
Season Total: 1140
Roster: 350
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 550
Season Total: 1370

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