Monday, February 10, 2014

Week 6 Scoring Recap

Hey look at this! I actually had time to write a recap this week AND I'm putting it out the same night the episode aired! Lucky all of you! I wrote this while watching so it's basically live blog style.

- Ah, New Zealand. Finally, we're in a place that hasn't been ripped apart by controversial war! Unless you count the Battle for Middle Earth. WHICH I DO.
- These are the tiniest beds ever. My 9 month old son would not stand for sleeping in that bed.
- I'm just going to start ending sentences like someone just said "Infinity pool." Like, "I have a pretty good day at woooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkkkk." Kind of like Oprah. "Everyone gets a tabbbbleeettttttttttttt!"
- Remember at the beginning of the season when I said Clare was too hot to be single if she's normal? Welp...I think we're all seeing why Clare is still single.
- I have no patience for a 21 year old freaking out about not being married yet. Knock it off.
- Remember when Chelsie was still in the house? That was fun. Wait, she's STILL here?!?

- Sure, Andi gets a speed boat in an exotic location. But does that boat turn into a car? I doubt it. Point for Cassandra!
- Worst. Swimsuit. Ever.
- There's no way this doesn't end in someone getting bitten by an anaconda.
- Can you imagine the crazy river parasites that they're picking up?
- BTW, there is no nature feature that is more boring than a geyser. "So once a day, it shoots water up in the air for 10 seconds? Awesome." I'm just saying.
- Clare's fake, "Wait, me?" is the worst. Please jump inside a geyser. And wait a day for the water to get you know what, that's not a very good threat. Nevermind.
- Honest question: Does JP know what a district attorney does?
- "This geyser represents my love. Once a day..." I'm backing off that one too. Goodnight all!

- Stop talking, Cassandra. Just stop. No more. I beg of you.
- "You know what this giant plastic rolling ball needs? Water and us in our swimsuits."
- I don't understand why JP is not all about Kat. She seems like the girl who should be dominating this show but he does not seem all that interested.
- Hey good job Nikki! You kissed him twice! Now think about what everyone else was doing. And now you're sad.
- This is probably the worst group of people in the world to bring to Hobbiton. I'd bet Sharleen is the only one who has ever willingly seen the movie.
- I'm going to go ahead and say Cassandra has baggage.
- These selfies are going to look great in that "Bachelor Scrap Book of Girls I Made Out with Just Weeks Before I Proposed to My Fiancee" coffee table book.
- I hope Renee gets sent home soon because she is way too good for this tool.
- I could watch JP and Sharleen talk to each other for hours. Except the opposite of that.
- When are Sharleen and JP going to sing "A Whole New World" together?
- Somewhere in The Shire, a hobbit is about to get lucky with a really drunk girl on her birthday. (Okay, that's my third Hobbit/Lord of the Rings related joke so I guess I'll try to stop now. No promises.)
- Great birthday or GREATEST birthday?
- It's always fun when you get to blame it on the kid. It's also nice when the three adjectives you can come up with to describe someone are, "Pretty. Funny. Nice."
- This is the kind of a music a network procedural uses right before a dramatic car crash. Sorry your birthday is getting even worse, Cassandra.

- No joke, our friend Carly is here and when they showed those lambs, she went, "OOOOH-HO-HO!" and was genuinely excited.
- What if Clare had an actual turtle shell that she could take out of her bag and crawl into? These are the things I think about this season.
- Hey, let's keep talking about it! That'll be fun.
- I don't want to come out in defense of JP or anything but...I mean...has Clare ever met a guy before?
- "What are the boundaries, you ask, Clare? Oh, I don't know, probably not humping in the ocean would be a good start. MAYBE in a heart shaped lagoon. But not just the regular ocean."
- Literally at no point did JP apologize to you.
- I really missed an opportunity to score points for those times when JP has to ask what a word means. Sorry guys. I've let you all down.
- Did The Bachelor hire a new music selector? I don't feel like there's ever been this much music before, barring Jake's season.

- Next year, people get points when they say they wish they had a rose. Mark it down.
- "Hey, why aren't y'all partying and having a good time? Oh, because one of you is about to go home alone without getting to go on the remainder of the Lord of the Rings walking tour? My bad."
- Is there even a 10% chance that whoever this guy picks will still be with him by the time we get to After the Final Rose? This is a train wreck for this show.
- It's not like this show has been a hallmark for great conversation or anything but seriously, if you supercut all of the actual, real conversations he has had with all of the girls throughout the season, it'd be like 12 seconds long.
- "There's nothing more attractive than a woman talking about her kid. Except what Clare did last week. That was hotter."
- Oh, Chelsie. Just give it up. This is over for you.
- She's talking fast, JP is tipsy and doesn't understand English that well, anyway. Good call, Chelsie.
- Now is definitely the right time to tell a sad story to swing him in your favor. Well played, Kat.
- Also, if there are four girls left who don't have a rose and you know it's between two of you as to who gets a rose, SPOILER ALERT: you're going home next week.
- I still don't get why he's not into Kat but there you have it. So weird.
- But fret not, Kat. You will be INCREDIBLY popular on the soon-to-return Bachelor Pad.

Sharleen - 110 (Group date, group rose, kiss, cry)
Andi - 60 (1 on 1, kiss, rose)
Clare - 75 (1 on 1, kiss, rose, dance)
Nikki - 45 (Group date, rose, kiss)
Renee - 120 (Group date, rose, kiss, cry, lower back tattoo, child)
Kat - 35 (Group Date, Cry)

Roster: 60
Elimination Picks: 150
Total: 210
Season Total: 850
Roster: 260
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 460
Season Total: 1635
Roster: 195
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 195
Season Total: 1890
Roster: 75
Elimination Picks: 75
Total: 150
Season Total: 1410
Roster: 300
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 500
Season Total: 2465
Roster: 245
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 445
Season Total: 2485
Roster: 115
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 315
Season Total: 1540
Roster: 300
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 300
Season Total: 2290
Roster: 60
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 60
Season Total: 735
Roster: 320
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 520
Season Total: 2420
Roster: 225
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 225
Season Total: 1395
Roster: 180
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 380
Season Total: 2250
Roster: 155
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 355
Season Total: 1890
Roster: 190
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 190
Season Total: 1250
Roster: 195
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 195
Season Total: 1860
Roster: 320
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 320
Season Total: 2710
Roster: 110
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 310
Season Total: 2155
Roster: 215
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 415
Season Total: 2840
Roster: 410
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 410
Season Total: 3030
Roster: 300
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 300
Season Total: 2585

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