Monday, February 20, 2012

Week 8 Scoring Recap

In the words of former Texas Rangers TV broadcaster Josh Lewin: "Ballgame." This thing is over, kids. The writing has been on the wall for several weeks but I've been holding out hope that Ben would have a sudden fit of sanity, realize he's been thinking with something other than his head, and send Courtney packing before she could capture his life essence and leave him in a shallow grave along with her other victims. But alas, it just isn't to be. If your Spidey sense isn't going ape crap crazy when a girl SETS UP A FAKE WEDDING AND MAKES YOU WRITE VOWS while you're still sort-of dating three other girls then there's no chance of snapping out of it in time to salvage your reign as the Bachelor.

The moral of the story, friends, is that is you trash everyone around you, present yourself as a whore, and generally act like a nut job, guys will like you. It's like the plot of Grease all over again. So congratulations Courtney, you've won. And congratulations Ben on the fresh hell you've earned yourself.

As far as the rest of the show goes, Hometown Week is, by far, the best episode of the season every season. It allows for even more mockery than usual and brings a whole host of new train wrecks into the equation which I absolutely love. This season was no exception. Of the four remaining contestants, two (Courtney and Lindzi) brought weird families to the table and one (Kacie) brought the obligatory disapproving parents that are a hallmark of every Hometown Week episode. Kudos to Nicki for having the only normal(ish) home life, a statement I never thought I'd say. You'd think a person with such a bad case of the Crazy Eyes would come from a bonkers family.

There were two great statements from Lindzi's date:
1.) At the outset, Ben said something to the affect of, "I could love this woman." To me it seemed readily apparent that he was trying to convince himself that this statement was true. Not a good sign.
2.) When discussing her love of horses, Lindzi said, "Horses have been a part of my life since before I was born. I mean I learned to ride before I could walk." So if you're keeping track at home, Lindzi hung out with horses as a fetus THEN learned to ride THEN learned to walk. I don't have kids but I have to say, that's not the way I'd choose to raise them.

Meanwhile back at the farm, Lindzi's parents force a clearly uncomfortable Ben to partake in the family past time: reenacting the chariot races from Ben Hur. I've not spent much time around horses but this seemed odd to me. All I could think about during this scene was just how very WHITE this family activity really is. If I was in charge of the White Girl Problems Twitter feed, right now I'd be crafting a great tweet concerning my frustration with my wobbly chariot wheel or something. And as far as Lindzi's parents are concerned, the mom (I think her name was Marggie but that can't possibly be a real name) has the worst mouth wrinkles I've ever seen on a person. And the dad's name is Harry Cox. I don't really need to elaborate further, right?

Lindzi's Brother?
Lastly, I've finally figure out who/what Lindzi looks like. It's a long shot that anyone else will even know what in the name of everything good and holy I'm talking about but... If you've ever seen The Dark Crystal (a favorite of mine as a kid), Lindzi is a dead ringer for the main characters, Jen and Kira. That's right, Lindzi. If you're reading this, I'm saying you look like a muppet. My apologies.

Kacie's date got off to the worst start ever when Ben immediately got super weird and nervous based on approximately three sentences of details from Kacie concerning her family. Note to Ben, Courtney, and whoever else Ben ends up with after escaping from the depths of hell: you don't handle conflict well, dude. Seriously all it takes to make you a bumbling mess is to find out that your date's dad doesn't drink and he's protective of his daughter? Wow. Grow a pair. Honestly, though, I think he was looking for a reason to cut Kacie and her dad's disapproval was the excuse he needed. It's another example of why girls who come from conservative backgrounds should just stay the heck away from this show. It's not for you. It's for freaks and weirdos. Also, Kacie should not have been expecting a rose after the way Ben tucked tail and ran after her hometown date. That should have been a HUGE red flag, kiddo.

Nicki started her date off by buying directly into the most obnoxious and infuriating Texas stereotypes. So, thanks for that, Nicki. There are now 1 million more people out there who think we all use horses as our chosen form of transportation, wear hideous cowboy boots all of the time, and cram 10 gallon hats onto every handsome newcomer that passes through. *Sigh* Surprisingly, though, their date was drama-free and almost boringly normal. Nicki's dad turned out to be the nicest dude to grace this show in the last decade (besides Ames, of course). Even still, I can't be the only one who's noticing those crazy eyes. She did a good job of keeping them in check earlier in the show but now they're popping out of socket almost all the time. She seems like a nice, attractive, down to earth gal. It's just too bad her eyes are always screaming, "I've definitely hugged a cat to death a time or two in my life."

I've already touched on the abject insanity of Courtney's pseudo-marriage ceremony. But let's talk about her family. I was genuinely creeped out by the family. The dad wasn't so bad though he did look like a slightly shady preacher at a Pentecostal church. But the sister had this weird vibe that I couldn't quite identity until the last scene after the rose ceremony in which she totally threw Courtney under the bus. There's a fierce undercurrent of competitiveness between the sisters and I get the sense that they're always fighting with each other in really mean, hateful ways. I put the odds on the sister making a pass at Ben at 3:1. And then there was the mom who is clearly Courtney's greatest inspiration. Watching the two of them talk was terrifying. TERRIFYING. Their facial expression, mannerisms, and speech patterns are all so similar and so completely inhuman. I do not believe that those two are of this world. So congratulations, Ben, you've positioned a sub-human, demon-being to win The Bachelor. Curse you.

Best Line: "Daaaaayyyyyyyddddd" - The way Kacie's father says "Dad", drawing it out to create an eight syllabal word.

Best Scene: Courtney straining to contain her joy after Kacie, her only real competition, is sent packing. Historians will look back on this scene as the moment when the demon apocolypse began.

KELBY
Nicki - Kiss: +25p
Courtney - Kiss: +25p
Kacie B. - Disapproving Family: +50p
Two or more in top 3: +150p
Total: 250
Previous Total: 1840
SEASON TOTAL: 2090

EMMELIE
Nicki - Kiss: +25p
Courtney - Kiss: +25p
Kacie B. - Disapproving Family: +50p
Kacie B. - Elimination Pick: +100p
Two or more in top 3: +150p
Total: 350
Previous Total: 1685
SEASON TOTAL: 2035

MALLORY
Nicki - Kiss: +25p
Courtney - Kiss: +25p
Kacie B. - Disapproving Family: +50p
Kacie B. - Elimination Pick: +100p
Two or more in top 3: +150p
Total: 350
Previous Total: 1645
SEASON TOTAL: 1995

CALEB
Nicki - Kiss: +25p
Lindzi - Kiss: +25p
Kacie B. - Disapproving Family: +50p
Two or more in top 3: +150p
Total: 250
Previous Total: 1580
SEASON TOTAL: 1830

JENNA
Courtney - Kiss: +25p
Lindzi - Kiss: +25p
Kacie B. - Disapproving Family: +50p
Two or more in top 3: +150p
Total: 250
Previous Total: 1580
SEASON TOTAL: 1830

LINDSEY
Nicki - Kiss: +25p
Courtney - Kiss: +25p
Lindzi - Kiss: +25p
Two or more in top 3: +150p
Total: 225
Previous Total: 1505
SEASON TOTAL: 1730

MICAH
Nicki - Kiss: +25p
Kacie B. - Disapproving Family: +50p
Total: 75
Previous Total: 1405
SEASON TOTAL: 1480

MOLLY
Lindzi - Kiss: +25p
Kacie B. - Disapproving Family: +50p
Total: 75
Previous Total: 1395
SEASON TOTAL: 1470

KYLIE
Nicki - Kiss: +25p
Courtney - Kiss: +25p
Kacie B. - Disapproving Family: +50p
Kacie B. - Elimination Pick: +100p
Two or more in top 3: +150p
Total: 350
Previous Total: 1355
SEASON TOTAL: 1705

SARAH
Kacie B. - Disapproving Family: +50p
Total: 50
Previous Total: 945
SEASON TOTAL: 955

LAURA BETH
Kacie B. - Disapproving Family: +50p
Total: 50
Previous Total: 805
SEASON TOTAL: 855

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