Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Scoring Recap: Week 2

This week I watched The Bachelorette in the most confusing way possible. I came home right at the end of Joe’s date, watched from there to the ending, then went back to watch the first hour and then half-watched the back half again to put it all into context. It was dumb and I regret my choice. I blame ABC for putting the show on at 8 instead of 7. For some reason, I’m apt to blame Bentley for this.

PRE-DATES
I always enjoy the seasons in which the producers allow for advisors. Like the time that one guy’s friend posed as a contestant or when they bring back past contestants to ask questions. As such, I like that Emily is hanging out in Charlotte and meeting up with her gal pals. Otherwise, how would she get great date advice like, “Just be yourself”? “Just be yourself” is the most vague advice a human can give another human when the first human is about to go on a date. Let’s just be honest: if you’re about to go on a date and your friend says that to you, in the back of your mind you’re thinking, “Really Important Friend Who I Entrusted With This Huge Piece of News? Really?! Be myself?! Why didn’t I think of that?” Don’t be that friend, people.

I think it’s weird how quickly Kalon has entered the “It’s Just Tough to See Her Dating Other Guys” phase. I said last week that he was mostly harmless but now I’m starting to suspect there might be a literal skeleton in his closet. (If you’re new to this league, just know that I will accuse numerous people of being closeted serial killers. It’s my bit. More on this in a minute.)

RYAN’S DATE
Ryan was a darn good sport at the beginning of his date. He can say that he digs the “everyday life” date all he wants (and I believe he actually meant it) but there had to be a part of him that was bummed out by such an inauspicious start. Still, he passed the test with flying colors and the fact that Emily threw him directly into the fray is a good sign for all of us who drafted the guy. On the back half of their date, Emily went right after him with serious questions, yet another good sign. Moreover, these two have an organic chemistry that I expect will be a big player as the season progresses. They seemed very natural together whereas she’s still working out the kinks with everyone else. Keep your eye on Mr. Football. (I realize there were virtually no jokes in this paragraph. That’s because these two are really, really unfunny while simultaneously bringing almost nothing to the table that I can pick at. I sort of hate them both for this.)

GROUP DATE
Since I was old enough to create mottos for myself (I would say around age 3), I’ve held on to this one above all others:

“Anything is better with Muppets.”

Case in point: babies. Babies: Not so awesome. They cry, they can’t talk, they completely miss the point of sarcasm, and they’re always on the brink of death (or at least that’s how I feel every time I hold one). But Muppet Babies? So much better than babies. They sing, they dance, and they have entire story arcs dedicated to Star Wars. There isn’t a single level on which babies are better than Muppet Babies. Therefore, this is the greatest group date ever. I actually feel bad for Ryan because he got a romantic one-on-one date instead of getting to hang with Kermit. Poor guy, he really missed out.

Anyway, I still haven’t completely figured out this group yet but one thing is for certain: Stevie is the worst dressed human in the history of The Bachelorette. Check that. He’s the worst dressed male in the history of The Bachelorette as Ashley routinely dressed like a blind prostitute. (Man, the stylists HATED her.) That outfit would have embarrassed Craig Sager. (I have to throw in sports references here and there to make sure everyone knows I’m not gay.) I still have no idea how this guy got selected for the show in the first place. He was DEFINITELY in a Backstreet Boys cover band at one point or another.

Also, I just realized that John, aka “Wolf”, is a DATA destruction specialist. With a name like Wolf I just assumed he was into explosions and what not. What in the world is a data destruction specialist and how does one find himself in that job?

I’m glad there’s a standup comedy group on this date. Because if Ashley’s season of The Bachelorette taught us anything, it’s that mixing insensitive guys with impromptu comedy writing is a recipe for abject humiliation. Somewhere, William is taking a break from selling cellphones and lamenting the fact that his turn on this show came one season too early. The producer cut away from this group FAST because other than Wolf’s rehearsal joke about Stevie’s hat, clearly none of their jokes were funny.

Somehow Chris Harrison’s job just got even awesomer. I didn’t think that was possible. But now that he’s chilling with the Muppets and taking the place of Waldorf (the greatest job in Hollywood), darnit if he didn’t just get cooler. What a boss.


 At the after party, we got a quality look at who the real contenders are in this group. Clearly Emily is crushing on Chris and I have to say, I don’t get it. That guy is a creeper and perhaps I’ll be voted down by the ladies in this group, but I don’t see the appeal. Jef’s appeal, however, is thoroughly evident: Emily cannot figure him out. Whether intentional or not, he’s giving off a seriously aloof vibe and as long as he keeps that up, she’s going to keep him around. I don’t think he can win because eventually aloofness becomes douchy but for the time being, he has her on his hook.

Somehow, Michael looks even worse with his hair in a ponytail. Get a haircut, hippy!

Alessandro has date raped someone in the past. I just know it.

We wrap up with Stevie getting drunker by the minute (he WILL get in a drunken fight by season’s end if he stays around for another week or two) while Alessandro falls asleep on the couch. And then there’s Kalon and his cardigan. I understand that the male cardigan is an accepted thing these days. I’m not a fan as I believe the cardigan should be reserved for women and bad ‘90s bands but if you’re going to rock the cardigan, dude, you have to be pickier in your selection. That one looks like it was stolen off of his grandmother’s corpse. He so badly wants to be Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love but he’s not pulling this whole act off in any way, shape, or form.

JOE’S DATE
If I didn’t understand the appeal of Chris then I REALLY don’t understand the comparison of Joe to Matthew McConaughey. That’s not even kind of close. Also, I found it a little shocking that Emily took the guy to a lavish country club in West Virginia. Not because it was so fancy or because she took him to a personal place so early on but because I didn’t know West Virginia had airports. (HI-OOOOOOO!!!!!) Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week.

Again Emily gets right to the point, putting Joe the Jester on his heels at the outset of dinner. The poor guy had no idea what was coming and he showed it by giving probably the worst answer you could give to the “where do you see yourself in five years” question. “I see myself happy.” Yikes, dude; lots of insecurities leaking through in those four little words. And just like that, you’re gone. All of you take notice right now: most of the eliminations this year are going to be PAINFUL. Not like Ryan crying because Ashley didn’t want to meet his family painful. But excruciatingly serious, “I’ve thought this through to the highest degree possible” painful and Emily will probably cry every time. These will be rough. On the plus side, however, I hope we can look forward to fireworks exploding in the distance to offset the pain. No one can stay sad for too long when there are fireworks to be seen.

KALON v. DOUG
I’m going to half-defend Kalon here. What he said at the beginning, about figuring out the whole dad thing if and when he comes to it, wasn’t that bad. It’s probably not the most mature response but it wasn’t worth getting up in arms about. However, his follow-up, regarding Doug getting away from his kid for this show…not cool.

Also, I propose that, as a group, from now on we all use “Just check it” in every situation imaginable. It’s the new Gottem. Someone is running their mouth? “Just check it.” Someone cuts in line? “Just check it.” Someone is singing too loudly at church? “Just check it.” You beat someone in a sport or game? “Just check it.” It works on so many levels.

COCKTAIL PARTY
If I had to put odds on the winner right now, it would a push between Arie and Ryan. Ryan is the safer choice but man, she really digs Arie. That little statement of, “I promise it’ll get easier” was very, VERY telling. You can almost pencil him in for the final at this point. Personally I think he’s just a little too smooth for his own good but we’ll see.

It might be a violation of the unwritten rules of Bachelorette decorum that Ryan took so much time with Emily after he’d already gotten a rose. However, I place 75% of the blame for this on Emily. When she opened that letter and found that it was actually an exact replica of the letter Rachel wrote Ross, (“18 pages! Front and back!”) she should have just told him she’d read it later. On the flip side, it was really fun watching Tony squirm awkwardly. That guy just needs to stop. He’s too intense and too weird and it’s like he’s basing everything on the fact that they both have kids. That’s not all it takes, dude.

And then we come to the shocking eliminations. I knew Kyle was toast the moment he got out of the limo. He had no personality and there was absolutely no spark with Emily. He was a dead man walking. But Aaron? That surprised me. Not because he was awesome or anything. But because she still has so many losers to choose from! How Stevie and Alessandro have made it through two rose ceremonies is completely beyond me. Get your head in the game, Emily! One of those guys is a freaking Jersey Shore-wannabe and the other stared at your boobs for 30 seconds upon your first meeting. How is that better than the nerdy science guy? Bad call. Someone get her friend in here to give her some great advice.

KELBY
DOUG: Survive with no date: +25p
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
JEF: Group date rose: +50p
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
SEAN: Survives with no date: +25p
Total: 185
Previous Total: 385
SEASON TOTAL: 570

EMMELIE
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
DOUG: Survive with no date: +25p
AARON: Interrupts another contestant’s alone time: +25p
Total: 110
Previous Total: 275
SEASON TOTAL: 385

LINDSEY
DOUG: Survive with no date: +25p
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
Total: 110
Previous Total: 275
SEASON TOTAL: 385

EMILY
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
SEAN: Survives with no date: +25p
KALON: Interrupts another contestant’s alone time: +25p
TONY: Talks about son: +25p
Total: 160
Previous Total: 240
SEASON TOTAL: 400

JOEY
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
TONY: Talks about son: +25p
DOUG: Survive with no date: +25p
JOE: Elimination pick: +25p
Total: 160
Previous Total: 235
SEASON TOTAL: 395

KAITI
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
KALON: Interrupts another contestant’s alone time: +25p
TONY: Talks about son: +25p
JOE: Elimination pick: +50p
Total: 160
Previous total: 175
SEASON TOTAL: 335

JOSH
KALON: Interrupts another contestant’s alone time: +25p
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
AARON: Elimination pick: +100p
Total: 150
Previous total: 150
SEASON TOTAL: 300

MANDY
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
TONY: Talks about son: +50p
JOE: 1-on-1 date: +25p
Total: 100
Previous total: 150
SEASON TOTAL: 250

MALLORY
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
JEF: Group date rose: +50p
AARON: Elimination pick: +34p
JOE: Elimination pick: +33p
KYLE: Elimination pick: +33p
Total: 235
Previous total: 125
SEASON TOTAL: 360

BRIAN
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
SEAN: Survives with no date: +25p
TRAVIS: Survives with no date: +25p
Total: 110
Previous Total: 115
SEASON TOTAL: 225

JENNA
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
AARON: Interrupts another contestant’s alone time: +25p
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
JEF: Group date rose: +50p
Total: 160
Previous total: 100
SEASON TOTAL: 260

MOLLY
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
TONY: Talks about son: +25p
Total: 110
Previous total: 75
SEASON TOTAL: 185

KYLIE
TONY: Talks about son: +25p
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
SEAN: Survives with no date: +25p
KYLE: Elimination pick: +50p
JOE: Elimination pick: +50p
Total: 235
Previous total: 50
SEASON TOTAL: 285

CALEB
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
Total: 85
Previous total: 25
SEASON TOTAL: 110

SARAH
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
KYLE: Elimination pick: +25p
JOE: Elimination pick: +25p
Total: 135
Previous total: 25
SEASON TOTAL: 160

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