PRE-DATES
I always enjoy the seasons in which the producers allow
for advisors. Like the time that one guy’s friend posed as a contestant or when
they bring back past contestants to ask questions. As such, I like that Emily
is hanging out in Charlotte and meeting up with her gal pals. Otherwise, how
would she get great date advice like, “Just be yourself”? “Just be yourself” is
the most vague advice a human can give another human when the first human is
about to go on a date. Let’s just be honest: if you’re about to go on a date
and your friend says that to you, in the back of your mind you’re thinking, “Really
Important Friend Who I Entrusted With This Huge Piece of News? Really?! Be
myself?! Why didn’t I think of that?” Don’t be that friend, people.
I think it’s weird how quickly Kalon has entered the “It’s
Just Tough to See Her Dating Other Guys” phase. I said last week that he was
mostly harmless but now I’m starting to suspect there might be a literal
skeleton in his closet. (If you’re new to this league, just know that I will
accuse numerous people of being closeted serial killers. It’s my bit. More on
this in a minute.)
RYAN’S DATE
Ryan was a darn good sport at the beginning of his date.
He can say that he digs the “everyday life” date all he wants (and I believe he
actually meant it) but there had to be a part of him that was bummed out by
such an inauspicious start. Still, he passed the test with flying colors and
the fact that Emily threw him directly into the fray is a good sign for all of
us who drafted the guy. On the back half of their date, Emily went right after
him with serious questions, yet another good sign. Moreover, these two have an
organic chemistry that I expect will be a big player as the season progresses.
They seemed very natural together whereas she’s still working out the kinks
with everyone else. Keep your eye on Mr. Football. (I realize there were
virtually no jokes in this paragraph. That’s because these two are really,
really unfunny while simultaneously bringing almost nothing to the table that I
can pick at. I sort of hate them both for this.)
GROUP DATE
Since I was old enough to create mottos for myself (I
would say around age 3), I’ve held on to this one above all others:
“Anything is better with Muppets.”
Case in point: babies. Babies: Not so awesome. They cry,
they can’t talk, they completely miss the point of sarcasm, and they’re
always on the brink of death (or at least that’s how I feel every time I hold
one). But Muppet Babies? So much better than babies. They sing, they dance, and
they have entire story arcs dedicated to Star
Wars. There isn’t a single level on which babies are better than Muppet
Babies. Therefore, this is the greatest group date ever. I actually feel bad
for Ryan because he got a romantic one-on-one date instead of getting to hang
with Kermit. Poor guy, he really missed out.
Anyway, I still haven’t completely figured out this group
yet but one thing is for certain: Stevie is the worst dressed human in the
history of The Bachelorette. Check
that. He’s the worst dressed male in
the history of The Bachelorette as
Ashley routinely dressed like a blind prostitute. (Man, the stylists HATED
her.) That outfit would have embarrassed Craig Sager. (I have to throw in
sports references here and there to make sure everyone knows I’m not gay.) I
still have no idea how this guy got selected for the show in the first place.
He was DEFINITELY in a Backstreet Boys cover band at one point or another.
Also, I just realized that John, aka “Wolf”, is a DATA
destruction specialist. With a name like Wolf I just assumed he was into
explosions and what not. What in the world is a data destruction specialist and
how does one find himself in that job?
I’m glad there’s a standup comedy group on this date.
Because if Ashley’s season of The Bachelorette taught us anything, it’s that mixing insensitive guys with
impromptu comedy writing is a recipe for abject humiliation. Somewhere, William
is taking a break from selling cellphones and lamenting the fact that his turn
on this show came one season too early. The producer cut away from this group
FAST because other than Wolf’s rehearsal joke about Stevie’s hat, clearly none
of their jokes were funny.
Somehow Chris Harrison’s job just got even awesomer. I
didn’t think that was possible. But now that he’s chilling with the Muppets and
taking the place of Waldorf (the greatest job in Hollywood), darnit if he didn’t
just get cooler. What a boss.
Somehow, Michael looks even worse with his hair in a
ponytail. Get a haircut, hippy!
Alessandro has date raped someone in the past. I just
know it.
We wrap up with Stevie getting drunker by the minute (he
WILL get in a drunken fight by season’s end if he stays around for another week
or two) while Alessandro falls asleep on the couch. And then there’s Kalon and
his cardigan. I understand that the male cardigan is an accepted thing these days.
I’m not a fan as I believe the cardigan should be reserved for women and bad ‘90s bands but if you’re going to rock the cardigan, dude, you have to be pickier in
your selection. That one looks like it was stolen off of his grandmother’s
corpse. He so badly wants to be Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love but he’s not pulling this whole act off in any
way, shape, or form.
JOE’S DATE
If I didn’t understand the appeal of Chris then I REALLY
don’t understand the comparison of Joe to Matthew McConaughey. That’s not even
kind of close. Also, I found it a little shocking that Emily took the guy to a
lavish country club in West Virginia. Not because it was so fancy or because
she took him to a personal place so early on but because I didn’t know West
Virginia had airports. (HI-OOOOOOO!!!!!) Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all
week.
Again Emily gets right to the point, putting Joe the
Jester on his heels at the outset of dinner. The poor guy had no idea what was
coming and he showed it by giving probably the worst answer you could give to
the “where do you see yourself in five years” question. “I see myself happy.”
Yikes, dude; lots of insecurities leaking through in those four little words. And
just like that, you’re gone. All of you take notice right now: most of the
eliminations this year are going to be PAINFUL. Not like Ryan crying because
Ashley didn’t want to meet his family painful. But excruciatingly serious, “I’ve
thought this through to the highest degree possible” painful and Emily will
probably cry every time. These will be rough. On the plus side, however, I hope
we can look forward to fireworks exploding in the distance to offset the pain.
No one can stay sad for too long when there are fireworks to be seen.
KALON v. DOUG
I’m going to half-defend Kalon here. What he said at the
beginning, about figuring out the whole dad thing if and when he comes to it,
wasn’t that bad. It’s probably not the most mature response but it wasn’t worth
getting up in arms about. However, his follow-up, regarding Doug getting away
from his kid for this show…not cool.
Also, I propose that, as a group, from now on we all use “Just
check it” in every situation imaginable. It’s the new Gottem. Someone is
running their mouth? “Just check it.” Someone cuts in line? “Just check it.”
Someone is singing too loudly at church? “Just check it.” You beat someone in a
sport or game? “Just check it.” It works on so many levels.
COCKTAIL PARTY
If I had to put odds on the winner right now, it would a
push between Arie and Ryan. Ryan is the safer choice but man, she really digs
Arie. That little statement of, “I promise it’ll get easier” was very, VERY
telling. You can almost pencil him in for the final at this point. Personally I
think he’s just a little too smooth for his own good but we’ll see.
It might be a violation of the unwritten rules of Bachelorette decorum that Ryan took so
much time with Emily after he’d already gotten a rose. However, I place 75% of
the blame for this on Emily. When she opened that letter and found that it was
actually an exact replica of the letter Rachel wrote Ross, (“18 pages!
Front and back!”) she should have just told him she’d read it later. On the
flip side, it was really fun watching Tony squirm awkwardly. That guy just
needs to stop. He’s too intense and too weird and it’s like he’s basing
everything on the fact that they both have kids. That’s not all it takes, dude.
And then we come to the shocking eliminations. I knew
Kyle was toast the moment he got out of the limo. He had no personality and
there was absolutely no spark with Emily. He was a dead man walking. But Aaron?
That surprised me. Not because he was awesome or anything. But because she
still has so many losers to choose from! How Stevie and Alessandro have made it
through two rose ceremonies is completely beyond me. Get your head in the game,
Emily! One of those guys is a freaking Jersey
Shore-wannabe and the other stared at your boobs for 30 seconds upon your
first meeting. How is that better than the nerdy science guy? Bad call. Someone
get her friend in here to give her some great advice.
KELBY
DOUG: Survive with no date: +25p
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
JEF: Group date rose: +50p
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
SEAN: Survives with no date: +25p
Total: 185
Previous Total: 385
SEASON TOTAL: 570
EMMELIE
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
DOUG: Survive with no date: +25p
AARON: Interrupts another contestant’s alone time: +25p
Total: 110
Previous Total: 275
SEASON TOTAL: 385
LINDSEY
DOUG: Survive with no date: +25p
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
Total: 110
Previous Total: 275
SEASON TOTAL: 385
EMILY
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
SEAN: Survives with no date: +25p
KALON: Interrupts another contestant’s alone time: +25p
TONY: Talks about son: +25p
Total: 160
Previous Total: 240
SEASON TOTAL: 400
JOEY
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
TONY: Talks about son: +25p
DOUG: Survive with no date: +25p
JOE: Elimination pick: +25p
Total: 160
Previous Total: 235
SEASON TOTAL: 395
KAITI
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
KALON: Interrupts another contestant’s alone time: +25p
TONY: Talks about son: +25p
JOE: Elimination pick: +50p
Total: 160
Previous total: 175
SEASON TOTAL: 335
JOSH
KALON: Interrupts another contestant’s alone time: +25p
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
AARON: Elimination pick: +100p
Total: 150
Previous total: 150
SEASON TOTAL: 300
MANDY
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
TONY: Talks about son: +50p
JOE: 1-on-1 date: +25p
Total: 100
Previous total: 150
SEASON TOTAL: 250
MALLORY
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
JEF: Group date rose: +50p
AARON: Elimination pick: +34p
JOE: Elimination pick: +33p
KYLE: Elimination pick: +33p
Total: 235
Previous total: 125
SEASON TOTAL: 360
BRIAN
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
SEAN: Survives with no date: +25p
TRAVIS: Survives with no date: +25p
Total: 110
Previous Total: 115
SEASON TOTAL: 225
JENNA
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
AARON: Interrupts another contestant’s alone time: +25p
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
JEF: Group date rose: +50p
Total: 160
Previous total: 100
SEASON TOTAL: 260
MOLLY
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
TONY: Talks about son: +25p
Total: 110
Previous total: 75
SEASON TOTAL: 185
KYLIE
TONY: Talks about son: +25p
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
SEAN: Survives with no date: +25p
KYLE: Elimination pick: +50p
JOE: Elimination pick: +50p
Total: 235
Previous total: 50
SEASON TOTAL: 285
CALEB
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
Total: 85
Previous total: 25
SEASON TOTAL: 110
SARAH
RYAN: 1-on-1 date: +25p
RYAN: Rose on 1-on-1: +10p
RYAN: Brings a gift: +25p
ARIE: Survive with no date: +25p
KYLE: Elimination pick: +25p
JOE: Elimination pick: +25p
Total: 135
Previous total: 25
SEASON TOTAL: 160
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