Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Scoring Recap: Week 3

It’s that glorious time of the season in which the true colors start to show. We won’t know for sure who the real contenders are (besides Arie) for another week or two, but what happened this week will lay the ground work for some of the pretenders to drop off.

CHRIS’ DATE
To go along with my “I don’t see the appeal” statement regarding Chris from last week, let me also point out (courtesy of our own Molly Davis) that this dude has the largest neck I’ve ever seen on a human and an Adam’s apple that should probably be eligible for its own social security number. Also I’m pretty sure he has the waistline of Mick Jagger. I don’t mean to totally bash on the guy; he seems to be a genuinely decent human. I just don’t get what Emily, whom I admittedly believe to be quite attractive, sees in him from a physical standpoint as she seems to be completely caught up in his looks. Because seriously Emily, calm down and/or take a cold shower. Geez.

As for the date…I mean…whose idea was this? Clearly Emily is terrified and it actually was a fairly strenuous activity. This wasn’t like Jake and Vienna dangling upside down by a bungee cord but rather an actual, potentially scary climb that I would guess actually took both time and effort. Dumb idea all around. And as into Chris’ looks as Emily is, she is equally turned off by his age. It’s a little unfair to the guy that his age will be the deciding factor in his inevitable ejection from the show but yeah, he’s done. I really don’t think she’ll be able to get past that. Lastly, I’m glad we’re leaving Charlotte next week as I’m not sure I can handle yet another date that includes a mid-level country artist.

GROUP DATE
First of all, there’s no way Emily is actually friends with that aging Indian woman. Second of all, that older blonde is half-way to becoming a miserable human. She’s the Chelsea Handler of Charlotte and Lord knows this world doesn’t need another Chelsea Handler. There is an 87% chance that, if given the chance off camera, she would have jumped into bed with any of these guys (except Tony). She was straight up on the prowl. I do wish, however, that the producers would have given us more footage from those interviews. Doug was bordering on a nervous breakdown at the prospect of being questioned (probably because of this) and I would have enjoyed hearing his answers to some pointed questions. But then again, judging by what we did see, I’m guessing most of the interviews just turned into scenes out of a Chippendale club. Yeesh. Settle down, ladies.

(As an aside, what does it say about our culture that THAT was totally and completely acceptable to depict in front of millions and millions of viewers? Just for one second imagine if ABC had brought out a group of Ben’s guy friends to meet his season’s women and the guys behaved in much the same way. On second thought, don’t imagine that. It would have involved a tremendous amount of Courtney-related nudity.)

When Emily brought out the group of kids, I would have greatly enjoyed it if one of the guys had taken off across the park, Tom Haverford style. But maybe that was just me.

I’m not sure what in the world Ryan was hoping to accomplish by A.) Bailing on the kids to interrupt Emily’s recap time with her friends and B.) Telling her, in no uncertain terms, that she better not get fat but I’m guess he didn’t achieve his goal. She. Was. PISSSSSSED. And rightfully so. I’m just shocked that a 30+ year old dude who is being filmed for NATIONAL TELEVISION would be dumb enough to say that and then to try and pass it off as a semi-joke. I think I had a friend who made that same mistake once…in the 10th grade. Ouch, braugh.

I really and truly think Sean and Emily would work well together. However, the dude is so nervous that he’s stumbling over himself at every turn. Maybe it’s just that he’s trying too hard. Take a deep breath and make conversation like a normal human. I need you to win this thing, dude! That rose will help but you gotta do more.

Um…did everyone else hear Doug tell Emily that his dad died because he didn’t want to spend the family grocery money on a trip to the doctor? I heard that right, right? Wow. For one thing that’s super heavy and for another…I mean…not to speak ill of the dead or anything…but…doesn’t that call into question the problem solving abilities of Doug and his entire family? I just feel like there are probably better choices.

Finally, we come to Tony. The only person involved with this show who did not want to see Tony go is Kalon. As long as Tony was around, it was at least a split vote on the award for “Most Obnoxious Guy in the House” between the two. Now all the attention will be on Kalon and I doubt he’ll last long. In the meantime, kudos to Emily for calling a spade a spade, being straight up about having absolutely zero connection with Tony, and sending him packing rather than buying into his self-pitying hemming and hawing. What a beat down that guy was. If he ever shows up on Bachelor Pad I will just lose it.

ARIE’S DATE
Arie bores the fire out of me so I’m going to use this space almost exclusively for the purposes of discussing Dolly Parton.

It really is a crying shame that Dolly Parton is looked upon as the bit she has allowed herself to be portrayed as. In truth, she is a supremely talented song writer, a solid vocalist, and more importantly, a genuinely awesome human being. Every single time I’ve ever seen Dolly interviewed or read a story about her, she always comes across as one of the world’s best people. Just the fact that she’s managed to stay married for 45 years while working with people who trade out spouses the way most of us trade DVDs with Netflix is basically grounds for sainthood. Simply put, Dolly is a baller. And yet, because of her general appearance and those ridiculous boobs, it has become acceptable to completely overlook her many virtues and laugh at her expense because you just can’t take her seriously. The woman deserves better, America!


Back to the date. Arie is awesome…blah blah blah…would’ve totally picked him if not for the race car thing…blah blah blah…Emily pulls off the “I’m not sure about giving you a rose” thing surprisingly well…blah blah blah…and we have our first real kiss. *Angry Sigh*

COCKTAIL PARTY
The similarities between Ryan and Sean are becoming more and more apparent. They’re both downhome guys, they’re both ripped, and they’re both trying too hard. The difference is Ryan seems hell bent on driving himself off a cliff to a fiery death while Sean is saying all the right things. It all seems a bit to earnest for my taste but you can tell he means what he says whereas Ryan is starting to show signs of total douchery.

I also think Emily genuinely likes Travis. I don’t think he has any chance of winning but there’s some serious, “I like hanging out with him so I’ll keep him around till the hometown dates” potential there. And the guys toasting and pouring out their 40s in honor of Shelly is probably the season’s first intentional moment of comedy. Well done, guys.

The fact that Kalon could pull a stunt like what he did here and stay around is a true testament to what a freak show Stevie was. “I love it when you talk but I wish you’d let me finish” is a strong statement, dude. I thought Emily might walk him directly to the door. Her retort, “I don’t like tall, skinny, and condescending” was perfect. The thing that Kalon and the rest of the would-be douchers need to realize is that Emily is too smart for the typical bar-type crap that they’re used to pulling. Poor little Kalon has absolutely nothing in the way of social skills. The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that he most likely runs the Bates Motel with his mom.

And then there’s Alessandro. There are almost no words to describe what unfolded in those brief moments in which Alessandro forever sealed his fate, not just with Emily but with EVERY WOMAN IN AMERICA. The two basically haven’t talked for two weeks and now that he’s finally getting a moment to chat, instead of selling himself he basically gave us his homage to Shawshank Redemption. He climbed up on a chair, carved “Alessandro Was Here” into a beam, and hung himself with a noose of his own choosing. And Emily did EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to keep him from doing it. She tried so hard to give him the “lost in translation” excuse which he graciously slapped away and continued to strangle himself to death. BRUTAL. On the bright side, it sounded like he has lots of options back home in Brazil and since he has no problem dating family members, he shouldn’t be single for long. Adios, pal. Thanks a lot for holding the crazy back until I stopped putting elimination points on you. I really appreciate that.

KELBY
Arie: 1-on-1 date: 25p
Arie: Date rose: 10p
Arie: First to Bring up Brad: 75p
Arie: First Kiss: 100p
Sean: Group rose: 50p
Sean: Kiss: 25p
Doug: First to bring up death of family member: 100p
Stevie: Elimination pick: 50p
Total: 435
Previous Total: 585
SEAON TOTAL: 1020

EMILY
Arie: 1-on-1 date: 25p
Arie: Date rose: 10p
Arie: First to Bring up Brad: 75p
Arie: First Kiss: 100p
Sean: Group rose: 50p
Sean: Kiss: 25p
Tony: Talks about kid: 25p
Tony: Cries on camera: 25p
Kalon: Survives without date: 25p
Alessandro: Elimination pick: 50p
Total: 410
Previous Total: 400
SEASON TOTAL: 810

JOEY
Arie: 1-on-1 date: 25p
Arie: Date rose: 10p
Arie: First to Bring up Brad: 75p
Arie: First Kiss: 100p
Tony: Talks about kid: 25p
Tony: Cries on camera: 25p
Doug: First to bring up death of family member: 100p
Total: 360
Previous Total: 395
SEASON TOTAL: 755

EMMELIE
Doug: First to bring up death of family member: 100p
Chris: 1-on-1 date: 25p
Chris: 1-on-1 date rose: 10p
Tony: Elimination pick: 100p
Total: 235
Previous Total: 385
SEASON TOTAL: 620

LINDSEY
Arie: 1-on-1 date: 25p
Arie: Date rose: 10p
Arie: First to Bring up Brad: 75p
Arie: First Kiss: 100p
Doug: First to bring up death of family member: 100p
Stevie: Elimination pick: 50p
Total: 360
Previous Total: 385
SEASON TOTAL: 745

MALLORY
Arie: 1-on-1 date: 25p
Arie: Date rose: 10p
Arie: First to Bring up Brad: 75p
Arie: First Kiss: 100p
Chris: 1-on-1 date: 25p
Chris: 1-on-1 date rose: 10p
Tony: Talks about kid: 25p
Tony: Cries on camera: 25p
Alessandro: Elimination pick: 25p
Total: 320
Previous Total: 360
SEASON TOTAL: 680

KAITI
Tony: Talks about kid: 25p
Tony: Cries on camera: 25p
Kalon: Survives without date: 25p
Stevie: Elimination pick: 50p
Tony: Elimination pick: 50p
Total: 175
Previous total: 335
SEASON TOTAL: 510

JOSH
Arie: 1-on-1 date: 25p
Arie: Date rose: 10p
Arie: First to Bring up Brad: 75p
Arie: First Kiss: 100p
Nate: Survives without date: 25p
Kalon: Survives without date: 25p
Total: 260
Previous Total: 300
SEASON TOTAL: 560

KYLIE
Arie: 1-on-1 date: 25p
Arie: Date rose: 10p
Arie: First to Bring up Brad: 75p
Arie: First Kiss: 100p
Tony: Talks about kid: 25p
Tony: Cries on camera: 25p
Sean: Group rose: 50p
Sean: Kiss: 25p
Stevie: Elimination pick: 50p
Total: 385
Previous total: 285
SEASON TOTAL: 670

JENNA
Arie: 1-on-1 date: 25p
Arie: Date rose: 10p
Arie: First to Bring up Brad: 75p
Arie: First Kiss: 100p
Stevie: Elimination pick: 50p
Alessandro: Elimination pick: 50p
Total: 310
Previous total: 260
SEASON TOTAL: 570

MANDY
Arie: 1-on-1 date: 25p
Arie: Date rose: 10p
Arie: First to Bring up Brad: 75p
Arie: First Kiss: 100p
Tony: Talks about kid: 25p
Tony: Cries on camera: 25p
Nate: Survives without date: 25p
Stevie: Elimination pick: 50p
Total: 335
Previous Total: 250
SEASON TOTAL: 585

BRIAN
Nate: Survives without date: 25p
Sean: Group rose: 50p
Sean: Kiss: 25p
Stevie: Elimination pick: 50p
Total: 150
Previous Total: 225
SEASON TOTAL: 375

MOLLY
Nate: Survives without date: 25p
Arie: 1-on-1 date: 25p
Arie: Date rose: 10p
Arie: First to Bring up Brad: 75p
Arie: First Kiss: 100p
Tony: Talks about kid: 25p
Tony: Cries on camera: 25p
Alessandro: Elimination pick: 25p
Stevie: Elimination pick: 25p
Tony: Elimination pick: 25p
Total: 360
Previous Total: 185
SEASON TOTAL: 545

SARAH
Nate: Survives without date: 25p
Arie: 1-on-1 date: 25p
Arie: Date rose: 10p
Arie: First to Bring up Brad: 75p
Arie: First Kiss: 100p
Alessandro: Elimination pick: 25p
Total: 260
Previous Total: 160
SEASON TOTAL: 420

CALEB
Nate: Survives without date: 25p
Arie: 1-on-1 date: 25p
Arie: Date rose: 10p
Arie: First to Bring up Brad: 75p
Arie: First Kiss: 100p
Chris: 1-on-1 date: 25p
Chris: 1-on-1 date rose: 10p
Stevie: Elimination pick: 50p
Total: 320
Previous total: 110
SEASON TOTAL: 430

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