INTRO
I’ve been on record for several weeks now that I hate my
team. Within 20 minutes of picking the five members of my roster, I regretted
three of them. So while I still had all five participants going into this week,
I knew it was all smoke and mirrors. Even more importantly, I knew I was doomed
this week when Chris stepped out onto the patio to tell the guys that they’d be
moving on to Bermuda and I suddenly noticed that Nate has a remarkable case of
Dumbface. It isn’t to the level of Eli Manning of course, but it is a clear,
definitive strain of the disease. That was a sign of things to come,
unfortunately.
As the guys scootered up to their new resort, I was
struck by the fact that every single week I think Michael couldn’t possibly
look any more feminine…and then he puts on a helmet and rides a moped. Wow. I’m
not sure if he’s going for “Pre-op Crossdresser” as his look but if he is, well
done, sir, you’ve nailed it. I’m also left to wonder, considering he yet again
did not receive a date, if Emily has any idea that Alejandro is here. No one
could blame her for assuming he and Alessandro were the same person but I
wonder if every time she catches him roaming through the background of the cocktail
party, looking for mushrooms to cross-pollenate with the ones he has at home,
if she thinks he’s just a member of the crew. He might be a nice guy but I have
a feeling we’ll never find out.
Hey, note to Doug: chill the freak out, braugh. I’m not
sure if you know this or not but the whole point of this show is to actually go
on dates with the pretty girl. I’m fairly certain than all the other guys in
the house would kill a Bermudan hobo to switch places with you and yet you’re
coming unglued at the very prospect of this date. Either go home
or relax.
DOUG’S DATE
As the date progressed, I became more and more impressed
with Emily. Y’all, she might be the smartest Bachelor/Bachelorette we’ve ever
had. She doesn’t miss anything. She knows there’s something wrong with Doug and
eventually she’s going to unleash the beast. I also really enjoyed that he gave
the old, “I have bad days; we all have bad days” response. Sure, Doug. The
difference is, when I have a bad day, I’m a little bit snippy and I yell at bad
drivers. When you have a bad day, you assault your girlfriend and pretend to commit suicide. All the same.
Am I the only one who sort-of thinks Austin (Doug’s son)
doesn’t exist? Like he’s a complete fabrication designed by Doug’s psychiatrist
Inception-style? Anyone? Okay. Then,
am I the only one who sort-of hoped Doug would get sent packing this week and
he’d arrive home before that postcard? Just me then? Alright.
GROUP DATE
Whoever thought up this date should be fired. I’m all for
the competition bit and the whole winners get more quality time, losers go home
deal. The softball episode was probably the best of Ben’s season. But what’s
the point of having these guys show up to a dock and immediately jump on a boat
and competing in a race while Emily sits alone at the finish line? No one gets
anything out of that. Or maybe I’m just bitter because Sean, Travis, and
Charlie were all on the same boat which I immediately took to mean I was
screwed. There was no way that race was going to go my way. On the other hand,
you guys just lost to a team that included both Kalon and Jef, the two girliest
guys in the house who are not named Michael. Gotta give a better showing than that,
fellas. And of course, on the way home Charlie cries (come on, dude), his only
contribution to my team this season. I regret that choice so much.
Okay, in defense of Ryan: I thought the trophy wife line
was funny. At the very least, I thought you could tell he was trying to be
funny, not a tool. On the flip side, he has no idea when to shut his mouth.
Every time he talks all I can think is, “No! No! No! Dude! Shut up! You’re
blowing this!” There’s no way he wins this thing now and he should be
neck-and-neck with Arie to bring the trophy home. (See what I did there?) What
a waste.
I’m not going to lie, I kind of checked out during this
portion of the program. Sue me. Jef gets the rose but they have absolutely zero
chemistry so A.) They do no kiss and B.) If they did, both parties would have
been sorely disappointed. Welcome back to High School, guys. And that’s all I
really remember.
TWO-ON-ONE DATE
The producer who came up with this bit is a genius. At its
best, the 2-on-1 date creates dynamic situations like when Brad shockingly
picked annoying, dressed-like-an-idiot Ashley over really hot, not at all annoying Ashley. At its worst, you get instant awkward drama like what we
received this time around. I’m not sure you could have picked a more awkward
pair than Nate and Wolf. They are diametrically opposed to one another as Nate
is a full blown Sensy (too sensitive for his own good) and Wolf…well…more on
Wolf in a second.
I wonder what would happen if The Bachelor/Bachelorette had a season in which no one jumped off a
cliff into a body of water. It’s like Chris Harrison and his cohorts are
putting the show together from an old checklist they laminated back in 2001. “Girl:
Check. 22 white guys: Check. 3 minorities: Check. Picturesque spot from which
to jump off a cliff into a body of water: Check. Alright guys, we’ll just wing
it from here.” I’m not complaining about it, I just think it’s a little weird
that we always, ALWAYS, get this date at some point. Side note number one about
this portion of the date: Wolf totally did a monster belly flop on his jump.
Ouch. Side note number two: Oh, hello, Emily’s boobs. Yikes.
As our trio descends into the cave (baller location, by
the way), the awkwardness abounds. Wolf can’t be troubled to care much about
this situation but oh how Nate’s nerves got the best of him. Poor guy. He seems
like a sweet dude but everything he said was off. It’s never a great idea to
run off at the mouth about how all of your friends and family members are
married and have kids and you feel left behind. Not always the best way to make
a date feel wanted. In many ways, he’s a lot like Ames, only he’s not nearly as
interesting. And with that, he’s sent packing.
Side note about Wolf: There are several guys in this
house who I would consider to be tools. At the very least, many of them are
capable of toolish moments (even Arie wasn’t above this behavior this week).
However, none of them are bad guys…except Wolf. Just trust me on this one. That
dude has done bad things in his life and whats more, I think he agrees with Latarian Milton's lifelong motto. Just look into his eyes. He’s dead inside
and is capable of horrible, horrible deeds. To apply this to sports: Lebron
James is a giant tool who cannot seem to keep himself away from douchy deeds.
But deep down, he’s not a bad guy, just dumb, immature, and misguided. But
Dwyane Wade…that guy is pure evil. The stuff he pulls on a nightly basis is the
basketball equivalent of communing with demons. Ryan and Doug are Lebron but Wolf
is Wade.
COCKTAIL PARTY
First and foremost, WHAT WAS JEF WEARING?!?! Were those
shorts or a skort? I honestly couldn’t tell. And the knee-high socks?! It’s
like someone in the house told him Alicia Silverstone died and he wanted to pay
homage to his favorite film. Good gracious, Jef. As if your name, hair, and
general disposition weren’t bad enough, you went with that look on NATIONAL
TELEVISION?! There’s no way he’ll be allowed back into Utah.
Ryan continues to make a fool of himself with his
misguided comments about becoming the next Bachelor.
Bad call, dude. For his sake, I hope he didn’t win this thing because if he
did, Emily had now ended their relationship after that.
Chris and Doug’s little confrontation was so pointless that
it barely bears mentioning. Both of you are dumb. Just shut up.
Quietly, Sean is becoming Arie’s toughest competition. I
think Ryan has officially blown his early momentum and clearly Arie is the
leader of the pack. But Sean has moved his way up the chart in very efficient,
organic fashion and he’s ready for the break out week. And, of course, by
saying that I have probably doomed him to be sent home next week.
The conversation between Emily and Chris was awesome.
Just AWESOME. You can see how much Chris digs Emily’s straight-forward,
no-nonsense way of handling everything and she’s an interviewers dream. If for
some reason Emily can’t make it work with whoever she chooses here, I hope she
and Chris get married and their child becomes the world’s greatest reality show
host ever.
And at the end of it all, Charlie gets a somewhat
unexpected but not entirely shocking exit and finally, FINALLY, Michael goes
home. If you were wondering, Chris Harrison also has no idea how that guy hung around this long, either. We’re almost done with the easy eliminations now which means
we should all be preparing for some shocking and/or devastating decisions. Can’t
wait!
KELBY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Interrupts alone time – 50p
Arie: Uses term “steal away” – 15p
Jef: Group rose – 50p
Sean: Kiss – 25p
Doug: 1-on-1 date – 25p
Doug: Mentions kid – 25p
Doug: Rose – 10p
Total: 225
Previous Total: 1020
SEASON TOTAL: 1245
EMILY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Interrupts alone time – 50p
Arie: Uses term “steal away” – 15p
Sean: Kiss – 25p
Michael: Elimination pick – 50p
Total: 165
Previous Total: 810
SEASON TOTAL: 975
JOEY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Interrupts alone time – 50p
Arie: Uses term “steal away” – 15p
Jef: Group rose – 50p
Doug: 1-on-1 date – 25p
Doug: Mentions kid – 25p
Doug: Rose – 10p
Charlie: Cries – 25p
Michael: Elimination pick – 50p
Total: 220
Previous Total: 755
SEASON TOTAL: 975
LINDSEY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Interrupts alone time – 50p
Arie: Uses term “steal away” – 15p
Doug: 1-on-1 date – 25p
Doug: Mentions kid – 25p
Doug: Rose – 10p
Charlie: Cries – 25p
Michael: Elimination pick – 50p
Nate: Elimination pick – 50p
Total: 275
Previous Total: 745
SEASON TOTAL: 1020
MALLORY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Interrupts alone time – 50p
Arie: Uses term “steal away” – 15p
Jef: Group rose – 50p
Doug: 1-on-1 date – 25p
Doug: Mentions kid – 25p
Doug: Rose – 10p
Jef: Group rose – 50p
Total: 195
Previous Total: 680
SEASON TOTAL: 875
KYLIE
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Interrupts alone time – 50p
Arie: Uses term “steal away” – 15p
Charlie: Cries – 25p
Sean: Kiss – 25p
Michael: Elimination pick – 50p
Total: 185
Previous Total: 670
SEASON TOTAL: 855
EMMELIE
Doug: 1-on-1 date – 25p
Doug: Mentions kid – 25p
Doug: Rose – 10p
Nate: Cries during date – 50p
Michael: Elimination pick – 50p
Total: 160
Previous Total: 620
SEASON TOTAL: 780
MANDY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Interrupts alone time – 50p
Arie: Uses term “steal away” – 15p
Charlie: Cries – 25p
Nate: Cries during date – 50p
Total: 160
Previous Total: 585
SEASON TOTAL: 745
JENNA
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Interrupts alone time – 50p
Arie: Uses term “steal away” – 15p
Jef: Group rose – 50p
Total: 135
Previous Total: 570
SEASON TOTAL: 705
JOSH
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Interrupts alone time – 50p
Arie: Uses term “steal away” – 15p
Charlie: Cries – 25p
Nate: Cries during date – 50p
Michael: Cries – 25p
Total: 185
Previous Total: 560
SEASON TOTAL: 745
MOLLY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Interrupts alone time – 50p
Arie: Uses term “steal away” – 15p
Charlie: Cries – 25p
Nate: Cries during date – 50p
Michael: Elimination pick – 33p
Total: 193
Previous Total: 545
SEASON TOTAL: 738
KAITI
Charlie: Cries – 25p
Alejandro: Survives without date – 25p
Total: 50
Previous Total: 510
SEASON TOTAL: 560
CALEB
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Interrupts alone time – 50p
Arie: Uses term “steal away” – 15p
Nate: Cries during date – 50p
John: 2-on-1 rose: 50p
Michael: Elimination pick – 100p
Total: 285
Previous Total: 430
SEASON TOTAL: 715
SARAH
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Interrupts alone time – 50p
Arie: Uses term “steal away” – 15p
Charlie: Cries – 25p
Nate: Cries during date – 50p
Michael: Elimination pick – 25p
Total: 185
Previous Total: 420
SEASON TOTAL: 605
BRIAN
Sean: Kiss – 25p
Charlie: Cries – 25p
Nate: Cries during date – 50p
Nate: Elimination pick – 50p
Michael: Elimination pick – 50p
Total: 200
Previous Total: 375
SEASON TOTAL: 575
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