Is it weird to anyone else that Croatia is a beautiful
vacation destination? Not to be an uncultured American again but up until the
last year or so, if someone told me they were going to Croatia I would just
assume it was either a mission trip or that the person was on the run. Like, if
I stole a bunch of money from Initech, I would totally go to Croatia because I
would assume that my money would last a long time there and I’d certainly have
no trouble in bribing government officials to keep from being extradited. There’s
just something about the name “Croatia” that screams “Only Slightly Less
Poverty Stricken than Ethiopia.” But shockingly enough, Croatia has a thriving
tourism industry that only slightly depends on the kidnapping and ransom of
wealthy tourists and Liam Neeson has only had to go to this country twice in
order to save his family. So it’s actually quite nice.
Anyway, Emily and her suitors were in Croatia this week
and apparently none of them had to be rescued by Liam Neeson so I guess that’s
a good start, though perhaps Travis could have used an encounter with Neeson to
make his day a little brighter. You know it’s a bad sign when, as the only
person who had Travis on his roster, when the date card bearing Travis’ name
was read, I immediately though, “This cannot end well.” As Emily put it, Travis
is “a good guy” and has “a good heart” and while she professed that this was
all she was looking for in a man, he was encapsulated in the friend zone about
14 seconds after he stepped out of his limo on the first episode. His fate was
sealed long before Emily actually put him out of his misery, though I guess he
could have bought himself another week if only he would have disrobed while
walking through the crowded streets of Croatia. Because that’s definitely a
normal thing to hope for, Emily. He did, however, give us one of the best moments
of the season when, while walking away dejectedly through the streets of
Unpronounceable, Croatia, he threw his umbrella down in depressed rage. Cue the
Charlie Brown music!
Meanwhile, while Travis was facing his slow death, Ryan
was making a fool of himself inside the house. He did this not only with his
poorly chosen words but also by wearing a tank top that even the skinniest pre-teen
girl would never be caught dead in. I’d like to believe that Don Draper would have
looked at him in disgust and sent him packing were Don Draper in charge of The Bachelorette. (At least Season 4 Don
Draper would have done this; Season 5 Don Draper is a confusing man.)
I have two questions about the group date.
1.) Why was Jef even a little bit nervous about wearing a
kilt? YOU’VE ALREADY WORN A KILT ON THIS SHOW, JEF! And you weren’t prompted to
do so by Chris Harrison but rather of your own volition. It’s a little too late
to start acting all manly and stuff. To be fair, though, riding a burro while
wearing a kilt is a horse of a different color and sounds like the vindictive
plan of a female producer who was just dumped and wants all men to suffer.
2.) Um…why are they doing all these Scottish activities
in Croatia? Again, I clearly know nothing about Croatia other than the fact
that the country occasionally produces a decent basketball player. But couldn’t
we have gone to…I don’t know…maybe Scotland for all these activities? I’m just
a little confused.
On the bright side, that was a killer group date…unless
your name is Chris. If your name is Chris then that is probably the most embarrassing
20 minutes of television you will ever be a part of. I just felt bad for the
guy. I still don’t get what Emily likes about him. He’s weird and probably a
bit dimwitted and his movements are so jerky as to be misconstrued as inhuman.
He’s like the personification of what Pinocchio would be like 25 years after
becoming a “real boy.” And of course he got both the Bravery Cup (LAME) and the
rose. Of course.
As the events of Ryan’s date unfolded, I was continually
overwhelmed with the desire to yell, “JUST SHUT YOUR HOLE!!!” at the
television. I legitimately felt Emily’s pain as she went through the decision
of whether or not to cut him because as a viewer, he might be the most
frustrating participant to ever grace the show. In so many ways, Ryan and Emily
are perfect together. They have an easy, natural chemistry that she doesn’t
have with anyone else and if not for her experience with Brad Womack, he might
be in this thing to the very end. But for some reason, this knucklehead just
cannot figure out how to filter his thoughts. You have to pick up on social
cues, dude. CLEARLY she’s not digging your playful use of the term “trophy wife”
so bringing it up for the third time is probably not the best decision. I still
think Ryan is a decent enough guy, he just has no idea how to keep himself in
check. As such, my prediction is that when the “Men Tell All” special airs, he
will be the most humble, down-to-earth guy you’ve ever seen and will be FULL of
apologies and statements of how he was “misrepresented by the camera.” In fact,
he basically called his shot in the cab ride home when he talked about how he
hoped the editing didn’t make him look bad. He’ll be a different guy at the
reunion show. Also, we’re all agreed that he’ll be on Bachelor Pad this season, right?
Arie’s little sneak out maneuver will come back to bite
him in the butt; maybe not with Emily but certainly within the house should the
news ever get out. That’s a risky move. It worked for Courtney but not for
Michelle Money so who knows how it’ll turn out. (Oh wait, we all know, because
Arie is definitely winning this thing. Bah.) I did, however, think it was a
little early in the game to go with “falling in love”, even if it was just to
the cameras.
That brings us to the rose ceremony, which was so crammed
with fabricated drama as to become almost insufferable. I like that Emily informed
us that Doug and John were on the bubble, considering Doug hasn’t done anything
worth mentioning in three weeks and she’s never once even spoken to John
outside of the awkward 2-on-1 date. But wait, just before he’s eliminated, John
has a personal story to share! And a token to remind him of his grandparents!
Oh, and are those tears?! Wow! PLEASE. Gosh, that reeked of manipulation. Yet
somehow Emily bought it, though partly only because Doug refused to even
consider the possibility of maybe making even a slight hint of a move. Good
gracious, bro. A move right there probably sends John packing but instead we
get another week of both he and Doug twiddling their thumbs in the background
while Arie and Sean get closer to bringing this thing home. Oh well. We’re now
only a week or two out from the hometown dates and discovering just what sort
of people are capable of producing someone like Jef.
KELBY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Jef: Kiss – 25p
Ryan: 1-on-1 date – 25p
Doug: Mentions kid – 25p
Doug: Cries – 25p
Travis: Elimination pick – 50p
4 contestants in the top 6 – 90p
Total: 265
Previous Total: 1540
SEASON TOTAL: 1805
LINDSEY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Ryan: 1-on-1 date – 25p
Doug: Mentions kid – 25p
Doug: Cries – 25p
Travis: Elimination pick – 50p
2 contestants in the top 6 – 50p
Total: 200
Previous Total: 1195
SEASON TOTAL: 1395
EMILY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Ryan: 1-on-1 date – 25p
Travis: Elimination pick – 50p
Ryan: Elimination pick – 50p
2 contestants in the top 6 – 50p
Total: 200
Previous Total: 1160
SEASON TOTAL: 1360
JOEY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Ryan: 1-on-1 date – 25p
Travis: Elimination pick – 25p
2 contestants in the top 6 – 50p
Total: 125
Previous Total: 1125
SEASON TOTAL: 1250
MALLORY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Jef: Kiss – 25p
Ryan: 1-on-1 date – 25p
Chris: Group Rose – 50p
Chris: Kiss – 25p
Travis: Elimination pick – 50p
Ryan: Elimination pick – 50p
3 contestants in the top 6 – 70p
Total: 320
Previous Total: 1120
SEASON TOTAL: 1440
KYLIE
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Ryan: 1-on-1 date – 25p
2 contestants in the top 6 – 50p
Total: 100
Previous Total: 1090
SEASON TOTAL: 1190
JENNA
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Jef: Kiss – 25p
Ryan: 1-on-1 date – 25p
Travis: Elimination pick – 50p
2 contestants in the top 6 – 50p
Total: 175
Previous Total: 940
SEASON TOTAL: 1115
EMMELIE
Ryan: 1-on-1 date – 25p
Chris: Group Rose – 50p
Chris: Kiss – 25p
Doug: Mentions kid – 25p
Doug: Cries – 25p
Ryan: Elimination pick – 70p
2 contestants in the top 6 – 50p
Total: 270
Previous Total: 930
SEASON TOTAL: 1200
MOLLY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Ryan: 1-on-1 date – 25p
Travis: Elimination pick – 50p
2 contestants in the top 6 – 50p
Total: 150
Previous Total: 913
SEASON TOTAL: 1063
CALEB
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Ryan: 1-on-1 date – 25p
John: Brings up death of family member – 25p
John: Cries – 25p
Chris: Group Rose – 50p
Chris: Kiss – 25p
Travis: Elimination pick – 50p
3 contestants in the top 6 – 70p
Total: 295
Previous Total: 890
SEASON TOTAL: 1185
MANDY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Ryan: Elimination pick – 40p
Total: 65
Previous Total: 845
SEASON TOTAL: 910
JOSH
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Total: 25
Previous Total: 930
SEASON TOTAL: 955
SARAH
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Ryan: 1-on-1 – 25p
Travis: Elimination pick – 25p
Total: 75
Previous Total: 780
SEASON TOTAL: 855
BRIAN
Travis: 1-on-1 – 25p
Travis: Cries – 25p
Ryan: 1-on-1 – 25p
Travis: Elimination pick – 50p
Total: 125
Previous Total: 760
SEASON TOTAL: 885
KAITI
Ryan: 1-on-1 – 25p
Total: 25
Previous Total: 710
SEASON TOTAL: 735
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