Thursday, July 26, 2012

Week 10: Scoring Recap

Well, this is it, dear friends. A season of extreme awkwardness, douchy comments, and just a bit of bromance comes to an end. Who would have thought at the beginning of all this that the guy who RODE UP ON A FREAKING SKATEBOARD would be going home with the most serious minded Bachelor/Bachelorette in the history of the show. Well, I guess three of you would have guessed it since that’s the number of people who included Jef on their teams. Anyway, let’s dive in, shall we?

I love that Chris Harrison opened the show with a few classy remarks about Aurora, Colorado followed by an uncomfortable segue into a trashy reality show. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, whatever Harrison gets paid, it isn’t enough. He is without question the greatest reality host ever. Someday the reality TV host hall of fame will be named after him.

What a spectacular first impression Jef must have made on Emily’s family! Here sits a group of down home, Southerners and in walks Jef, with his one F, his Conan O’Brien-esque hair, and his white t-shirt. He looked like a greaser and would have fit in beautifully on the set of West Side Story. But hey, he was true to himself. I guess when you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way.



Speaking of Emily’s family…wow. That’s an interesting group of humans. Her mom definitely reminds one of Terrie, the longtime smoker who wants everyone to be aware of the side effects of cigarettes. Emily’s brother is apparently named Ernie, which makes sense considering NO ONE BORN IN THE LAST 50 YEARS HAS BEEN NAMED ERNIE. And her dad…well…her dad just had a look on his face that screamed, “Boy, how’d you get your hair like that?” Nice folks all of them but an interesting group nonetheless.

But despite his Danny Zuko looks, Jef trumped Arie by simply understanding how to interact with other humans. Seriously, Arie. What’s with the running of the mouth? Is this why Emily keeps making out with you? Because if she doesn’t you just start talking and before long the date is over and Dolly Parton has fallen asleep at her guitar? “I heard when it’s overcast, that’s when the fish bite. (Awkward pause.) That’s what I heard.” That was painful, bro. Also, I can’t be the only one who thought his gift for the family was a little weird. Why do they care about the roses? That would be a great present for Emily, not the family. But I guess it worked since before long they’d all put his awkward fishing comments behind them and moved on to staring at him quietly. I’m a little disappointed that no one thought to call him out for his wristwatch, which clearly came out of the Flava Flav collection.

(NOTE: If it seems like I’m writing less and less about Arie as the weeks go by, it’s because I am. He literally bores the words out of me. I’m sure he’s a genuinely nice guy. But he brings nothing to the table in terms of entertainment for me. I feel like he probably enjoys whittling.)

After the meetings have concluded and the family gathers for their final words of advice, someone finally mentions Brad in a passing reference to Emily’s third engagement. It’s about time. I feel like everyone has been dancing around the subject for weeks. In fact, I’m starting to wonder if Brad is still alive. Has anyone seen him lately? Poor guy. He deserves better. And he would KILL IT on Bachelor Pad. Make this happen for season four, Chris Harrison!

During their one-on-one date, Jef pushed the Ricky issue HARD and rightly so. I’m all for protecting your child but what’s the plan here, introduce your kid to her new stepfather after the honeymoon? I think I’d want to see how someone interacts with my kid before making a big decision like this. I loved that after Jef posed the question to Emily as to how she would feel in his shoes, her response was, “It would be weird, you know?” “Yes, I do know, Emily, because it’s literally happening to me right now.” Finally, though, she relented and in true Emily fashion, she put on an outstanding happy face as if to suggest this was her plan all along.

But when she did give Jef an opportunity to hang out with Ricky, I was left to wonder if the real reason she wanted to keep everyone in the dark is because Ricky actually has some special needs. I don’t feel like her behaviors were appropriate for a six year old. Also, I could not understand a word she said. What’s happening here?

After this I completely checked out during the couple’s evening date. I’m bored by Emily’s interactions with both of these guys. At least Courtney was completely nuts and kept things interesting last time around. I perked up, though, when it became readily apparent that Emily was suuuuuppppppper drunk. Wow. Clearly it snuck up on her and in her defense, who knows how long their date actually went on during which time they basically did nothing but sip wine and look at Jef’s stupid stick figures. But still, yikes, she got squinty eyed and giggly fast. As she walked away from Jef’s room all I could think was that Jef better hope she didn’t bump into Arie on her way home. Then it would have been ON.

I admit I was caught off guard by Emily putting an end of the competition so early and still think maybe she should have sobered up a bit before making such a big decision. Regardless, I think it all comes down to the fact that Jef was the first to meet Ricky. If Arie would have had the first date and had convinced Emily to let him meet her daughter, he might very well have been the winner. Alas, he drew the second shift and that led to cringe-inducing send off.

As he was preparing for his date, Arie just acted like he was the only guy in the picture. Seriously, man, I’m all for self-confidence but it probably would have been prudent to at least acknowledge the presence of another man in this weird love triangle. So painful! It took way too long for him to sense her tone, though perhaps he was distracted by Emily’s medallion which looked like something off of a Journey album. He just had no idea what was coming and his defense, how could he know given how into him Emily has clearly been since day one? Hopefully he was able to take the love potion home and put it to good use. And by good use, I mean an Indy Car groupie in Florida or something.

At this point, we stopped down for a few crowd shots of the live studio audience and I must say, this is probably the least attractive group of people we could have possibly assembled for this. What happened there? Was this some sort of outreach program for fans of The Ricky Lake Show who no longer have anywhere else to go? If you were in the studio audience for this show, I’m sorry to tell you, you need a makeover. But at least Ashley Spivey was in attendance and for some reason we needed to hear her opinion, despite the fact that she couldn’t even get into the top eight during her season. If this was just Chris Harrison’s attempt to reacquaint himself with the hottest contestant the show has had in quite a while well…then…good for you, Chris. I’m rooting for you buddy! Let’s you, me, and Brad meet up for a drink sometime. Please?

Anyway, all of this set the stage for the most anticlimactic proposal ever. And I don’t mean “ever” as in the history of The Bachelor/Bachelorette. I mean “ever” as in “ever in the history of the world.” If Emily wasn’t going to accept the proposal then she would have sent Jef packing along with Arie and there’s no question about it. This sense of anticlimax was doubled by perhaps the worst staging for a proposal this show has ever pulled off. Courtney got a cape and a beautiful terrace overlooking the Swiss Alps. Emily gets a poorly constructed stage in the middle of an unappealing Caribbean plaza. What’s that about? It looked like a stage at Six Flags. I expected the gunfighters to come out at 15 past the hour to put on the same show they’ve been doing since 1972. (Seriously, Six Flags, get some new shows.) I did, however, enjoy Jef picking out the ring and wondering if the jeweler guy had to say, “No, I wouldn’t pick that one. That one’s Brad’s. Both times.”


Finally, Jef arrived and proposed and shockingly enough, Emily accepted. But not before we got a chance to hear the theme music to Shrek. That was an odd choice. My first thought was, “So does she have to become a Mormon now or can she wait until the week before the wedding?” Is that horrible generalization on my part? Yes. Is that going to stop me? No. We were given a dramatic pause to let the moment build while Emily and Jef embraced and then the outro music which was, of course, “The Glory of Love” by Chicago/Peter Cetera (though this version is a thousand times better). Because anytime you can highlight a triumphant moment with a song that is older than both of your subjects, you have to do it. Emily and Jef head off into the sunse—err…horribly built set in the middle of a dirty plaza, followed closely by little Ricky who is...yup, she’s flapping her arms. Definitely something wrong with that one.

KELBY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Gift – 25p
Jef: Kiss – 25p
Jef: Gift – 25p
Arie: Elimination Pick – 50p
Arie: Second Place – 500p
Jef: Winner – 750p
Total: 1400
Previous Total: 3420
SEASON TOTAL: 4820

MALLORY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Gift – 25p
Jef: Kiss – 25p
Jef: Gift – 25p
Arie: Elimination Pick – 50p
Arie: Second Place – 500p
Jef: Winner – 750p
Total: 1400
Previous Total: 2600
SEASON TOTAL: 4000

EMILY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Gift – 25p
Arie: Second Place – 500p
Total: 550
Previous Total: 2585
SEASON TOTAL: 3135

LINDSEY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Gift – 25p
Arie: Second Place – 500p
Total: 550
Previous Total: 1720
SEASON TOTAL: 2270

CALEB
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Gift – 25p
Arie: Second Place – 500p
Total: 550
Previous Total: 1910
SEASON TOTAL: 2460

KYLIE
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Gift – 25p
Arie: Elimination Pick – 100p
Arie: Second Place – 500p  
Total: 650
Previous Total: 2365
SEASON TOTAL: 3015

JENNA
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Gift – 25p
Jef: Kiss – 25p
Jef: Gift – 25p
Arie: Elimination Pick – 100p
Arie: Second Place – 500p
Jef: Winner – 750p
Total: 1450
Previous Total: 2040
SEASON TOTAL: 3460

JOEY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Gift – 25p
Arie: Second Place – 500p
Total: 550
Previous Total: 1575
SEASON TOTAL: 2125

EMMELIE
Arie: Elimination pick – 100p
Total: 100
Previous Total: 1700
SEASON TOTAL: 1800

MOLLY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Gift – 25p
Arie: Second Place – 500p
Total: 550
Previous Total: 1388
SEASON TOTAL: 1938

BRIAN
Total: 0
Previous Total: 1760
SEASON TOTAL: 1760

JOSH
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Gift – 25p
Arie: Second Place – 500p
Total: 550
Previous Total: 1155
SEASON TOTAL: 1705

SARAH
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Gift – 25p
Arie: Second Place – 500p
Total: 550
Previous Total: 1105
SEASON TOTAL: 1655

MANDY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Arie: Gift – 25p
Arie: Elimination Pick – 100p
Arie: Second Place – 500p
Total: 650
Previous Total: 1110
SEASON TOTAL: 1760

KAITI
Arie: Elimination pick – 50p
Total: 50
Previous Total: 985
SEASON TOTAL: 1035

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