I’m starting this week off not with a few words to you,
dear Bachelorette friends, but with a
PSA for the entire human race.
Dear Humans,
I, like many of you, have come to love and appreciate the
wealth of technology that now inhabits our everyday lives. From HD television
service to social media to the speed with which the Internet runs these days,
we truly are in the golden age of technology. But I fear that in the midst of
all these great advances one new piece of technology may have gone unnoticed to
many of you. The wonderful piece of equipment is known as a “Digital Video
Recorder”, or a “DVR” in layman’s terms.
This truly remarkable technology allows users to record a
television program and…are you ready for this?...watch it at a later time.
Ingenious, right? Any show, game, or other TV event at any time can be recorded
so that the viewer may enjoy the program when he/she is ready. Say you want to
check out this newfangled show all the kids are talking about called Seinfeld but it comes on during your
weekly bridge game. Well, with a “DVR” you can just look it up on the guide
(the one on your TV, not the one that arrives weekly in the mail), hit record,
and voila! You’re all set. When you get back from your bridge game, you can
finally find out what this Seinfeld
thing is all about! And best of all, the “DVR” allows you to skip right over
those obnoxious commercials and jump right back into the action of Seinfeld, Friends, or any other new show
you might love. How great is that?!
There is one significant drawback to this service,
however. Because of the nature of this “DVR” and the way in which programs can
be viewed at literally any time, day or not, right after it airs or three weeks
later, some people may not watch a given show in the same time frame that you
do. In fact, it’s safe to say that anyone who does have a “DVR” (and you’d be
surprised at the number of people who have embraced this brand new technology)
probably will not watch their favorite shows during their regularly scheduled
time slots. Therefore, if you plan on visiting a social media site, such as
MySpace, Xanga, or this new thing called “Facebook”, right after watching a TV
program you enjoy, you’ll probably want to steer clear of giving away any
important details about said program.
If, for example, you watch The Bachelorette, it would be prudent to keep your social media
posts about the show as vague as possible. You could say, “I can’t believe what
just happened on The Bachelorette!!!”
or, “OMG! What a way to end the night, Bachelorette!”
or, “Emily made a serious mistake on The
Bachelorette tonight. SMH.” In doing this, you can both express your
frustration/excitement/mindless blatherings the way the devil intended when he
created the Internet while still having respect for the literal HUNDREDS OF
MILLIONS of people who have incorporated this “DVR” into their everyday lives.
On the other hand, it would be impolite to COMPLETELY AND
TOTALLY RUIN someone’s viewing of The
Bachelorette by posting, “It broke my heart to see Sean leave 2night on The
Bachelorette! I thought it would be Jef and Sean in the final!” LITERALLY 3
MINUTES AFTER THE SHOW ENDS. In fact, someone who absentmindedly stumble across
your post while, say, sitting in the Whataburger drive-thru on their way home
to watch the show might take great offense to you COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY
RUINING said person’s viewing, prompting this person to curse loudly, shake
his/her fist in anger, and immediately defriend you.
I urge you then, dear humans, to note that the calendar
year is, in fact, 2012, not 1978. So before you hit “post”, consider the
information given here and prevent yourself from becoming the proverbial bull
in the virtual china shop while subsequently causing your “friends” to wish
unknowable harm upon you and all your family.
Regards,
THE 200 MILLION OF US WHO OWN A FREAKING DVR
Now that I’m done with my rant, let’s get down to
business, quick-hit style.
SEAN’S DATE
- Sean definitely borrowed that outfit from Ryan. No
question about it.
- As Emily and Sean flew over their private island, all I
could think was, “Where’s the heart shaped lagoon?!?!” Curse you, Ali and
Roberto.
- Even if an unnamed human had not ruined this episode
for me, I would have known it was over by the way in which Emily talked about
Sean in her interviews. The writing was on the wall for that guy.
- Hey Sean, JUST FREAKING SAY IT, DUDE!!! Kindly,
Everyone at Home Who Knows You’re a Better Fit For Emily than Either Arie or
Jef.
- On the other hand, Sean’s letter to Ricki was a
thousand times more REAL than any of the notes/letter/lengthy lists that end
with the term “trophy wife” that Emily received in the course of this season.
- You can tell it’s a HUGE step for Sean to finally throw
out the L word. I take back what I said earlier, Sean. Way to stick to your
guns and be who you are, even if it did cost you the girl.
- How great was it that both Emily and Sean IMMEDIATELY
alibied themselves when accepting the fantasy suite? “It would be great to stay
up and JUST TALK TO YOU AND DO NOTHING ELSE.” Best cover ever.
- And of course, he ends the night with, “I’m going to
end up marrying that girl.” Heartbreaking.
JEF’S DATE
- Why wasn’t it a bigger deal that Jef’s parents didn’t
come to his Hometown Date? That nearly cost Melissa Rycroft the win a few years
ago and yet this time around it was like nobody cared. I thought maybe his
parents were dead.
- Mark it down now: If Emily ends up choosing Jef, they
WILL NOT get married. That dude is getting cold feet already.
- Stuff may have happened here that I missed but I
totally zoned out while looking at Sean’s Twitter feed. Thanks for that,
Mallory.
- We stop down here for a quick commercial break. The
copy reads, “Why watch The Glass House?
(Cue the entrance of golden retriever puppies) Enough said.” Really? Is that
what we’ve come to, America? Are we so easily entertained that the arrival of
puppies and some badly written copy is enough to get us to watch a horrible
show like The Glass House? AaronSorkin was right. (Topical reference!)
- Anyway, I’m back from zoning out and getting angry
about The Glass House but now I
suddenly find myself just not caring about Jef. He’s almost as boring as Arie
is only he has a skateboard instead of a racecar.
- But he did just buy himself a pass to the finale by
posturing over not accepting the Fantasy Suite key. Smooth move, jackwagon.
ARIE’S DATE
- Man, they just get right down to business, don’t they?
- Note to Emily: Arie saddling up behind you while
feeding the dolphins is not him being protective of you; he just wants to touch
you. That’s “Date Moves for Cheesy Guys 101.” Or did you not watch Boy Meets World growing up?
- “All of your favorite moments involve kissing!” –
Emily, with fake shock in her voice. Yeah, because that’s literally all you two
do.
- Seriously, enough with the making out. I’m about to
start docking 25 points from Arie every time they kiss. It’s getting obnoxious.
Emily is so pent up it is unbelievable.
- That last kiss was less romance and more a UFC-style
choke hold. Dear goodness, please make it stop.
COCKTAIL PARTY
- This is where Chris Harrison shines. He’s barely had to
do anything this season but here, when Emily is at her breaking point, there’s
Chris Harrison stepping up like a boss by both comforting her and sternly
telling her to suck it up. I hope Chris is the next bachelor and they bring in
Brad Womack to do the hosting. You’re welcome for the idea, ABC.
- Tonight is the first time Emily hasn’t looked good this
entire season. That dress looks like a mermaid tail.
- As Emily pauses between calling Jef and Arie’s names,
Sean knows it’s over. The pause killed him and you could see it in his eyes. He
knew.
- I really and truly think Emily made the wrong call
here. Sean was the best guy for her, even if they hadn’t figured out how to get
past the awkwardness yet. Oh well.
- Finally, for the record, hearing someone say, “I wanted
it to be you” is THE WORST. Literally any other cliché break up line is better.
If you want it to be someone then make it so, period. Poor guy. One of you get
out to Colleyville and give him a hug already. I would do it but I’m too loyal
to Brad and can’t throw my full support behind another jilted Bachelorette contestant.
KELBY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Jef: Kiss – 25p
Sean: Kiss – 25p
Sean: First helicopter ride – 75p
Sean: First hot tub – 200p
Sean: Brings a gift for Ricki – 25p
Sean: Third place – 250p
2 contestants in the top 2 – 200p
Total: 825
Previous Total: 2595
SEASON TOTAL: 3420
MALLORY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Jef: Kiss – 25p
Sean: Elimination pick – 50p
2 contestants in the top 2 – 200p
Total: 300
Previous Total: 2300
SEASON TOTAL: 2600
EMILY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Sean: Kiss – 25p
Sean: First helicopter ride – 75p
Sean: First hot tub – 200p
Sean: Brings a gift for Ricki – 25p
Sean: Third place – 250p
Total: 600
Previous Total: 1985
SEASON TOTAL: 2585
LINDSEY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Total: 25
Previous Total: 1695
SEASON TOTAL: 1720
CALEB
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Sean: Elimination pick – 100p
Total: 125
Previous Total: 1785
SEASON TOTAL: 1910
KYLIE
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Sean: Kiss – 25p
Sean: First helicopter ride – 75p
Sean: First hot tub – 200p
Sean: Brings a gift for Ricki – 25p
Sean: Third place – 250p
Total: 600
Previous Total: 1765
SEASON TOTAL: 2365
JENNA
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Jef: Kiss – 25p
Sean: Elimination pick – 50p
2 contestants in the top 2 – 200p
Total: 300
Previous Total: 1740
SEASON TOTAL: 2040
JOEY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Sean: Elimination pick – 100p
Total: 125
Previous Total: 1450
SEASON TOTAL: 1575
EMMELIE
Sean: Elimination pick – 50p
Total: 50
Previous Total: 1650
SEASON TOTAL: 1700
MOLLY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Sean: Elimination pick – 100p
Total: 125
Previous Total: 1263
SEASON TOTAL: 1388
BRIAN
Sean: Kiss – 25p
Sean: First helicopter ride – 75p
Sean: First hot tub – 200p
Sean: Brings a gift for Ricki – 25p
Sean: Third place – 250p
Total: 575
Previous Total: 1185
SEASON TOTAL: 1760
JOSH
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Sean: Elimination pick – 100p
Total: 125
Previous Total: 1030
SEASON TOTAL: 1155
SARAH
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Total: 25
Previous Total: 1080
SEASON TOTAL: 1105
MANDY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Total: 25
Previous Total: 1085
SEASON TOTAL: 1110
KAITI
Sean: Elimination pick – 50p
Total: 50
Previous Total: 935
SEASON
TOTAL: 985
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