Oh, it’s Saturday, you say, and I still haven’t written a
scoring recap for this week? I’d like to tell you I’ve been busy but really it’s
just that I forgot. Getting old is tough, kids.
CHRIS’ DATE
I assumed that by stating his excitement at hanging out
with Emily in his element, he meant not shooting arrows. That was definitely
not his element. But really what he meant was he was going to take Emily to all
the weird Polish places the city of Chicago has to offer. I’m sure born and
bred Southern girl Emily was really into the concept of traditional polka
music. But hey, you gotta be yourself, right? And as Chris said, from one to
Polish, he’s Polish. (Kill me.)
If we didn’t already know it was over for Chris, we knew
when the pair sat down at the bar and Chris delivered the worst toast ever,
during which Emily was completely checked out. Somewhere, Ryan is sitting at
home, in the dark, wearing a horrible tank top, and kicking himself. THIS COULD
HAVE BEEN YOU, RYAN.
As we head to Chris’ parent’s house, I’m struck by two
thoughts:
1.)
Chris talked his parents up a lot, like these
contestants always do. I look forward to the day when one of the contestants
just says, “My parents are the worst. Really. Just horrible people.”
2.)
I really, really, REALLY hope he takes her to
the house from Home Alone.
Sadly, it’s not the house from Home Alone and Kevin McCallister it nowhere to be found. On the
plus side, Chris’ dad delivers the worst toast ever, instantly making everyone
forget the toast Chris gave earlier. He also says something to the effect of, “That’s
why Chris is the way he is” which, if you’re a terrible person like me,
instantly had you wondering if he was about to let the cat out of the bag on Chris
not being all there mentally. Anyway, it was a pretty lackluster hometown date,
which made me wish Wolf had made the cut last week so that we could at least
see the sad conditions in which that guy lived.
JEF’S DATE
First of all: WHOA, Jef knows how to shoot a gun? WHAT?!
Does anyone else find that extremely weird? Of all the guys in the house, I
would have pegged Jef as the second most likely to get freaked out by guns,
behind only Kalon who usually uses a croquet mallet to off his many victims. Skateboarding
and shotguns just don’t go hand in hand. This guy is just full of surprises!
Not surprising, however, is Jef’s huge family. It should
never, ever come as a surprise to anyone that someone from Utah has a large
family. That’s just science. Emily was obviously nervous with this group and I’m
not exactly sure what that means because she handled herself extremely well in
every other hometown date, including her meeting with Chris’ family, who she
clearly had no intention of keeping around after this week.
I loved Jef’s family for this reason: they were
incredibly honest about Jef even if they didn’t necessarily intend to me. When
Emily asked the women if Jef was ready for a family, they were all COMPLETELY
SILENT for a solid 20 seconds. Just total crickets. And then of course they all
vouched for Jef and talked about what a great dad he’ll be and blah blah blah.
But that silence speaks for itself. Then Jef’s brother asked him about settling
down and says he hasn’t seen a willingness for Jef to do that to this point.
And he said it in such a way that I think it’s safe to say that Jef has run
through every chick that Utah has to offer. Warning signs, Emily!
ARIE’S DATE
I’m becoming more and more bored by Arie. For someone who
races cars for a living, he sure brings a big bag of nothing to the table in
terms of excitement. I have slept through his hometown date. As such, I have
only three observations:
1.)
I don’t care what Emily says, the racing makes
her uncomfortable. If she chooses Arie, this WILL be a problem at some point.
2.)
Arie’s mom going into full Dutch to talk crap
about Emily is one of the crappier things we’ve seen this season. Infuriating.
3.)
I really feel like Emily is trying to talk
herself into Arie. Not that he’s a bad guy or anything but I get the feeling
that that she’s forcing herself to look past some potentially big issues in
order to make it work with him. Could be wrong.
SEAN’S DATE
There’s a definite element of puppy love between Sean and
Emily and that needs to sort itself out if Sean is going to challenge Arie for
the final rose. He needs to pick it up just a little bit.
The bit about Sean living at home was solid. Just a
little ice breaker to ease the tension and it wasn’t SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE like
the time that girl hired a troupe of actors to pose as her family. And the room
was well staged. I thought it was a bit and I think on some level Emily thought
it was a bit, too, but it was believable enough to freak her out. I also loved
how Emily covered herself with, “Oh, I’d still be crazy about you” when in
reality she was counting down the seconds until she could run out of there.
Random observations concerning Sean’s hometown date
(because I was falling asleep):
- Colleyville in the house, y’all. Holla.
- Is that girl’s name Kensington? I can’t decide if that’s
the best name ever or the worst one.
- I love that there was an air conditioner in Kensington’s
playhouse. Welcome to Texas.
- Sean’s dad has to be an elder at a church somewhere,
right?
- Emily has perfect answers for everything. EVERYTHING.
She should coach pageant girls on how to respond to those inane questions they
get thrown at them. But then again, if Miss South Carolina had Emily as a
coach, then the world would have never been gifted this little gem.
- She says “love” A LOT when speaking to and about Sean. “I
love this about you”, “I love that.” I’m not sure that’s enough to move him to
the front of the list but it is interesting.
- He has got to stop chasing her down and yelling her
name, however. Dude. Not manly at all.
COCKTAIL PARTY
Finally, Chris is sent packing. The writing has been on
the wall for this guy for weeks and everyone knew it…everyone except Chris, I
guess. Man, he really thought he was winning. It’s a wonder to me that he got
this far in the far in the first place and it required three things to make it
happen:
1.)
Guys like Travis, Doug, and even Wolf to a
degree had to basically sit on their hands for weeks and eliminate themselves
by not showing any real interest in Emily.
2.)
Ryan had to completely and totally sabotage
himself at least three times. He kept getting chances and he kept hanging
himself with his trophy wife statements and general douchy outlook on life.
Fool.
3.)
Chris was only able to qualify for the show
under a new rule that requires at least one special needs contestant to make it
into the field each season. Poor Emily wasn’t even aware of his mental
deficiency until she saw him shoot a bow and at that point she couldn’t find a
way to let him down easy until now. In hindsight, this rule isn’t so great. (I
stole this joke from Emily Tate and I’m unhappy with my usage of it but I’m up
against the clock. Sorry, Emily.)
But at least we’ll get to see Chris struggle with social
situations again when he returns on Bachelor
Pad 3!
So now we’re down to the final three and if you would
have told me at the beginning that Jef and his skateboard would have made it
this far, I would have punched you in the Adam’s apple. We’re almost there,
friends.
KELBY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Jef: Kiss – 25p
Sean: Kiss – 25p
Chris: Elimination pick – 100p
3 contestants in the top 3 – 200p
Total: 375
Previous Total: 2220
SEASON TOTAL: 2595
MALLORY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Jef: Kiss – 25p
Chris: Kiss – 25p
Chris: Elimination pick – 100p
Chris: 4th place – 150p
2 contestants in the top 3 – 150p
Total: 475
Previous Total: 1855
SEASON TOTAL: 2300
EMILY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Sean: Kiss – 25p
Chris: Elimination pick – 100p
2 contestants in the top 3 – 150p
Total: 300
Previous Total: 1685
SEASON TOTAL: 1985
LINDSEY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Chris: Elimination pick – 100p
Total: 125
Previous Total: 1570
SEASON TOTAL: 1695
CALEB
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Chris: Kiss – 25p
Chris: 4th place – 150p
Chris: Elimination pick – 100p
Total: 300
Previous Total: 1485
SEASON TOTAL: 1785
KYLIE
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Sean: Kiss – 25p
Chris: Elimination pick – 100p
2 contestants in the top 3 – 150p
Total: 300
Previous Total: 1465
SEASON TOTAL: 1765
JENNA
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Jef: Kiss – 25p
Chris: Elimination pick – 100p
2 contestants in the top 3 – 150p
Total: 300
Previous Total: 1440
SEASON TOTAL: 1740
JOEY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Total: 25
Previous Total: 1425
SEASON TOTAL: 1450
EMMELIE
Chris: Kiss – 25p
Chris: 4th place – 150p
Chris: Elimination pick – 100p
Total: 275
Previous Total: 1375
SEASON TOTAL: 1650
MOLLY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Chris: Elimination pick – 100p
Total: 125
Previous Total: 1138
SEASON TOTAL: 1263
BRIAN
Sean: Kiss – 25p
Chris: Elimination pick – 100p
Total: 125
Previous Total: 1060
SEASON TOTAL: 1185
JOSH
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Total: 25
Previous Total: 1005
SEASON TOTAL: 1030
SARAH
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Chris: Elimination pick – 50p
Total: 75
Previous Total: 1005
SEASON TOTAL: 1080
MANDY
Arie: Kiss – 25p
Chris: Elimination pick – 100p
Total: 125
Previous Total: 960
SEASON TOTAL: 1085
KAITI
Chris: Elimination pick – 100p
Total: 100
Previous Total: 835
SEASON TOTAL: 935
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