Week 1 Scoring Recap

Welcome to our third season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette Fantasy League! We had a great time the first two seasons and this year we’ve got our biggest group of players yet so it should be a lot of fun.

A couple of things that need to be pointed out up front since we have so many new players.

1.)  I will do my best to have the recap and the updated leaderboard live no later than Tuesday night most weeks. This week took some extra time due to resetting the website and being a little under the weather. I’ll email everyone each week when the new updates are live.

2.) By no means should anyone feel obligated to read these dumb weekly recaps. Feel free to skip right on down to the scoring portion of the page if you are so inclined.

3.) The idea behind the recaps is to be (relatively) funny. That said, in the interest of making a joke out of everything (as is my goal in life) it’s possible that a mean spirited joke or two (or twelve) may slip through the filter and onto the page. Please don’t take anything I say too seriously, unless it is regards to my man-crushes on Brad Womack and Chris Harrison. Those statements should be taken to be DEATHLY serious.

4.) I am, in fact, a straight male, despite the fact that I love The Bachelor and conduct a fantasy league based around said program. Judge me as you will.

With all that out of the way, let’s begin.

Let me first note that, aside from the aforementioned Brad Womack, Sean Lowe has the potential to be the best Bachelor we’ve had in quite some time. I know many of you were pining for Arie but as dreamy as Arie may be, deep down he was an insecure little boy and that would have become painfully obnoxious over the course of 10 weeks. Sean, on the other hand, is pretty sure of himself and when you combine that with his Spartan abs and the fact that he genuinely seems to want to find a WIFE (as opposed to a strange hookup like Ben), we have ourselves a recipe for good TV. I particularly enjoyed the opening montage when the heartless producers who run this show forced poor Sean to take a walk on the beach with a nice wedding going on in the background! Cruel.

The conversation between Sean and Arie was the highlight of the night for me. Yes, it was undoubtedly as fake as the proverbial three dollar bill but that doesn’t change the fact that both of them are relatively funny (a rare commodity in Bachelor land) and seem to actually get along. Plus, when you combine a Dallas socialite with a professional race car driver, you’re bound to turn out gems such as, “Let’s cheers is up!” Gah, I love this show.

As always, the intros of our select bachelorettes were filled with gold and the sort of instant judgment that makes this America's game. Desiree has a bad laugh but she seems fun. Tierra has big boobs (I just call ‘em like I see ‘em) which never hurts in this game but she also has a touch of the crazies. Robyn is self-described as quirky and while that plays well for Zooey Deschanel and Michael Cera, it’s not always a plus around here. There’s something off about Diana but I can’t put my finger on it. Sarah seems nice but there’s nothing really distinctive abou--- oh, wait, SHE ONLY HAS ONE ARM. Ashley P. is a complete mess and of course she’s obsessed with 50 Shades of Gray. That’ll go over well. (Just a heads up, ladies: the guy you want to marry isn’t so impressed with your 50 Shades of Gray fascination.) Lesley has the Southern thing going for her but she also seems like a smoker so that’s not the best. I already hate Kristy AND I’M A GUY so I’m sure the girls in the house will want to murder her by week two. And AshLee brings along a massive amount of baggage but also seems like a genuinely decent human being, which probably means she’ll turn out to be the craziest of them all.

When the bachelorettes poured out of the limos, I was struck by the follows thoughts:

1.)  There are a lot of black girls in the running this year. We’re all used to one or two, neither of whom will make it past the second date, but four?! What’s happening here? Did Sean tell Chris Harrison that he has a touch of Jungle Fever? Moreover, isn’t it high time we had a black Bachelor/Bachelorette? And if we did, would they call it The Blacherlor? (Hey! We’re jumping right into playful racism. Welcome to all the newcomers!)

2.) Awkwardness in that first meeting isn’t the problem. It’s a weird situation, there are cameras everywhere, and you’ve been drinking for three hours. Not a problem. The awkward that’s a problem is the awkward where you’re super weird, forget to say your name, and then basically run into the house (see: Taryn).

3.) Sean giving Tierra the first impression rose that early is an immediate game changer. I was really hoping he’d come back from the house with a marker and fill in her open heart tattoo.

4.) Hey Robyn, remember that time you went on national television and tried to do some gymnastic stuff? How’d that work out for you? Not well? WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY SEEN THAT COMING?!

5.)  Hey Kelly, remember that time you went on national television (with a SUUUUUUPER fake tan, by the way) and sang an original song to that guy who had his pick of 26 women? That wasn’t the best.

6.)  I wrote down “Boob trick” next to Selma’s name but now I can’t remember what exactly that trick was so it clearly wasn’t memorable at all.

7.)  If you showed me a picture of Leslie H. and gave me three guesses as to what her she did for a living, I guarantee I would have gotten it right. She has card dealer written all over her.

8.)  Daniella is the definition of a hot mess. Things will not end well for her.

9.)  Did Keriann just say she drove here? Why? Is Chris Harrison running out of money? The Bachelor can’t spring for 26 coach tickets? What gives?

10.) I really liked Katie when I saw her bio on the ABC website…and then she showed up looking high and without shoes. Because the hippy look is what every Dallas socialite is looking for.

11.) Be honest: if someone showed you these intros and asked you to pinpoint the girl who was most likely to have freebased cocaine at some point in her life, you’d definitely pick Ashley M.

12.) The wedding dress is a BOOOLLLLLLLD choice, Lindsay. Even bolder to show up sloppy drunk in a wedding dress!

The rest of the episode was kind of a mess thanks to Sean running willy-nilly about the house, handing out roses at his leisure. Don’t you know there are twenty of us who don’t have lives and need you to follow the rules so we can gather information, Sean?! Here’s all I could get out of the free for all:

1.) Taryn is not cut out for this. If you’re getting weepy drunk on the first night and half falling out of your shirt, you probably should just go home now.

2.) The questioning of Kacie B. was confusing. I think Sean is happy to see her but almost immediately after I picked her to take a spot on my team I remembered that she came back to try to get Ben to change his mind about her and realized that she’s only one step from becoming truly pathetic. Sean may be able to sense that. I hate my roster so much.

3.) Paige is a jumbotron operator?!

4.) Sarah’s disability will keep her around for a week or so because no one wants to be the guy who sends home the handicapped girl. But in the end, it won’t be the arm thing that does her in but rather the fact that she’s a Debbie Downer and she looks far too much like post-plastic surgery Lindsay Lohan.

5.) Oh man, is Lindsay blitzed! I’m not sure if Sean felt bad for her or what but she’s lucky to stick around.

6.)  And of course, I can’t leave this space without mentioning the epic meltdown that is Ashley P. Wow. Just wow. The dance, the tie, the obvious inebriation, and the general skankiness. That’s really the whole package right there. Gentlemen, form an orderly line to the left! (And by gentlemen, I mean “fake tan night club douche bags who are more interested in playing STD bingo than anything else in life.”) But don’t fret, Sean. Deep down, Ashley thinks you have the same morals so it’s all good. Boy, would it have been fun if Sean would have brought this chick home to meet the family. “Mom, dad, I want to introduce you to Ashley. But before I do, dad, take this rape whistle because she’s…um…feisty.”

And just like that, we say goodbye to Lauren (who represents the worst choice I’ve made in the three years of this game), Paige (who just can’t catch a break in life), KeriAnn (who I’m assuming will now have to drive back home in her Datsun hatchback), Ashley P. (who probably hooked up with the limo driver), Ashley H. (who is probably friends with Latarian), Kelly (who DEFINITELY cried herself to sleep while listening to Taylor Swift), and Lacey (who looked far closer to 44 than she did to 24). Good luck finding love at home now that you’ve all made fools of yourself for the sake of The Bachelor. Strap in, friends, it's going to be fun.

Let's cheers it up,

Brian

(I may have missed points this week due to the wild nature of the first episode. If I missed something, please let me know.)

(Also, it should be noted that no one will receive points for the First Impression Rose since it was handed out before the cocktail party. I blame Sean for this.)

POINT SCORERS
Taryn (25p)
           Cries: 25p

Lindsay (25p)

Get UNQUESTIONABLY drunk: 10p

           (Begrudging) Shares a Dance with Sean: 15p

Paige (25p)

Cries During Interview: 25p

ANGELA

Elimination Pick (Ashley H.) – 100p

TOTAL: 100

ASHLEY

-

BRIAN

Elimination Pick (Ashley P) – 25p

TOTAL: 25

CALENNA

Taryn - 25p
TOTAL: 25

EMILY

Taryn - 25p
Elimination Pick (Ashley P) – 50p

TOTAL: 75

EMMELIE

Elimination Picks (Ashley H, Ashley P) – 100p

TOTAL: 100

JENN

Taryn - 25p
Elimination Picks (Paige, Kelly) – 50p

TOTAL: 75

JOSH

Taryn - 25p
Elimination Picks (Ashley H, KerriAnn) – 100p

TOTAL: 125

KAITI

Taryn - 25p
Elimination Picks (KerriAnn, Lauren) – 100p

TOTAL: 125

KELBY

Taryn - 25p
Elimination Pick (Ashley P) – 100p

TOTAL: 125

KYLIE

Elimination Picks (Ashley H, Ashley P) – 100p

TOTAL: 100

LINDSAY

Elimination Pick (Paige) – 25p

TOTAL: 25

LINDSEY

Elimination Picks (Ashley P, Lauren) – 60p

TOTAL: 60

MALLORY

Lindsay – 25p

TOTAL: 25

MANDY

Taryn - 25p
Elimination Picks (Kelly, Ashley P, Ashley H, KerriAnn) – 100p

TOTAL: 125

MICHELLE

-

MOLLY

-

TIFFANY

Elimination Picks (Kelly, Ashley P) – 75p

TOTAL: 75

TOBIN

Paige – 25p

Elimination Picks (KerriAnn, Ashley P) – 50p

TOTAL: 75

ZACK

Lindsay – 25p

Elimination Pick (Paige) – 100p

TOTAL: 125