SARAH’S DATE
Sarah of the One Arm (as opposed to Frodo of the Nine Fingers, geek joke of the week) gets the first one-on-one date of this Bachelor season and I have to say that’s
fitting because she’s beautiful, seems fun, and totally doesn’t have an
obnoxious voice at all. No, no wait, I mean the exact opposite on all of that.
Her voice grates on me like the proverbial nails on the chalk board, she’s kind
of a Debbie Downer, and she looks like she performed plastic surgery on herself
right before she got into the limo. I give her all the credit in the world for
fighting through her disability and I want to make it very clear that I am not
mocking her because of her handicap. I am mocking her because she’s obnoxious
and she talks like she’s one of The Californians.
But at least on her first date Sean will take her to do
something fairly casual that won’t involve rigorous physical activity. Nix
that, they’re going to repel down a 30 story building. Because anyone can do
that, right? I like Sean’s reasoning behind taking the one armed girl on this
date in that he wanted to make sure that, “She was up for anything.” Their next
date will involve playing baseball followed by the development of a jazz hands
routine so he can make sure she’s up for anything. It’s not about whether or
not she CAN do these things, it’s about it being kind of mean to force this
poor girl to do something like this and then take the rest of the
non-handicapped girls on dates that involve no physical activity whatsoever.
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get something else
out of the way, too: Do we not all feel like Sean is keeping Sarah around
because she only has one arm and he doesn’t want to seem like the jerk who just
immediately sends the handicap girl home? How many weeks before he can
definitively say, “I’m not sending you home because you only have one arm, I’m
sending you home because your voice has no inflection and it looks like your
face is incapable of moving”? I hope that day comes sooner rather than later.
GROUP DATE
Next up we have the first group date in which Sean takes
13 women to a mansion where they pose as models for the cover of a set of
Harlequin novels. Shocker: the model won the contest! In the interest of
fairness, I think they should have held competitions in the fields of each of
the respective date participants. They could, say, have a bill writing competition
so Lesley could win and maybe a “live in a tree house and eat bark” competition
so Katie could win. Just to be fair.
A few scattered thoughts:
1.) Brooke looks completely different with straight
hair. Like, I didn’t recognize her AT ALL.
2.) A question for the women in our game here: How
much do you hate Kristy? Because I’m on the verge of throwing a trident through
my television every time she shows up and I’m her target market. Ugh.
3.) Like all of you, I expected massive drama with
Tierra. I did not, however, expect that Robyn would be the first one to start
talking smack about her. That caught me off guard.
4.) Diana indicated an interest in getting on the
horse with Sean and riding off into the sunset but as Tobin astutely pointed
out, there’s no room for her kids on that horse so (FORESHADOWING!!!) this is
the end of her ride.
5.) Forcing poor Katie to be in the creepy vampire
group was mean but then again, what do you expect with THAT HAIR?!
We move on to the cocktail party in which Lesley makes
everyone, including Sean and herself, super uncomfortable with her talking. I’m
continually torn on her because on the one hand she seems like a real player in
this game and I’d like to have her on my team but on the other hand she seems
SUPER immature and I think that’ll be her downfall eventually. Also, “I didn’t
want to say this but I’m here for love” is maybe the worst possible way to
phrase that sentiment. I think I knew what Lesley was getting at but still, her
phrasing made Sean (and me, and everyone else) uncomfortable.
Lesley is, of course, far less uncomfortable than Katie,
however, who eventually freaked out and took herself out of the competition. I
would love to talk to Katie personally and ask her what in the world she was
thinking in coming on this show in the first place. Can’t she find love at a
Widespread Panic concert or something? She seems like a nice person but she’s
way too, shall we say, “different” to succeed here. Did she lose a bet? I need
to know what the logic behind this was!
Every year there’s one girl who never gets any time with
the bachelor, never seems to make much of an impression on anyone, and seems
more interested in making 24 new friends than making a connection with a guy
but still manages to stick around for an absurdly long time. Last year it was
Casey S. who might have stayed on longer if her past hadn’t come back to bite
her in the backside. This year we have Daniella, who might just be here for the
free alcohol and who I would wager is drunk 65% of the time, whether on camera
or off. Also, Sean has no idea who Daniella is.
Final scattered thoughts on the Group Date:
1.) “I’m a vegan but I love the beef” is one of the
dumbest statements ever made, so thanks for that Catherine.
2.) During their brief alone time Sean glanced at
Tierra’s chest no fewer than six times so you can bet she’ll be around for a few
more weeks (assuming she doesn’t actually break her neck falling down the
stairs next week).
3.) And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Kacie,
who is probably in the Friend Zone but doesn’t think she’s in the Friend Zone
which means her eventual exist will be BRUTAL. That said, I think it would be
smart for the producers to bring her back every single season until someone picks
her. The promos for that almost shoot themselves. “And one former contestant
comes back for her shot at love…again!” She seems just desperate enough to do
this. Make it so, Chris Harrison!
DESIREE’S DATE
I like pranks as much as the next guy and I like that
Sean likes pranks. It shows far more personality than Ben ever exhibited.
(Speaking of Ben, has anyone seen him lately? Did Courtney already kill him and
lay her alien eggs inside his corpse? It’s bound to happen before too long,
anyway.) That said, this is a bad prank because A.) It’s possible that she’s
going to lose her crap and start bawling and B.) The payoff is pretty menial.
Anytime your prank has a high percentage chance of causing tears and the payoff
is only, “HA! Made you cry!” it’s not a great prank.
Anyway, Sean and Chris conspire to make Desiree think
that she broke a $1.5 million dollar piece of art except the plan goes awry
when A.) she’s nowhere near the thing when it falls off its stand and B.) the “actor”
who played the upset artist was clearly a homeless man hired 10 minutes before
Sean and Desiree arrived. It didn’t work that well and I think Desiree knew it
was a bit. Good job, good effort though guys.
Afterward Sean took Desiree back “home” where he declared
his ability to cook a steak even though we all know it was the aforementioned
cat lady production assistant who made dinner and then the pair sat down to
have a nice talk. And I actually mean that. It’s early in the game but if I was
a Vegas oddsmaker I’d have Desiree as the most likely to win. She’s pretty, she’s
fun, she seems normal, and unlike Ashley P., it appears they might actually
have the same morals. This of course will all go to pot when Chris Harrison
pays a fake ex-boyfriend to show up at the house in a couple of weeks and cause
trouble. But for now, I declare Desiree to be the leader in the clubhouse.
COCKTAIL PARTY
Lindsay, now slightly less drunk, looked great and did
her best to make Sean forget the image of her as the drunk girl in the wedding
dress UNTIL SHE IMMEDIATELY BRINGS IT UP AND FORCES HIM TO RELIVE IT. How dumb
do you have to be?! Let sleeping dogs lie, Lindsay! I think she could be a
player in this thing but she stands no chance if she keeps getting slightly
tipsy and running her mouth.
Robyn bought herself a rose. It was a shrewd move to
broach the race question with Sean and I applaud her for doing so. It won’t
help her win, she has to be on the chopping block sooner rather than later,
partly because she’s talking so much junk about Tierra and partly because she
has no jaw, but for at least one week, she bought herself safety.
Which brings us, finally, to the conundrum of Amanda. Um…what’s
the deal with Amanda? First of all, I can’t figure out who she looks like and I
don’t mean to brag but making such comparisons is something I’m very skilled
at. She definitely has a hint of Sarah Jessica Parker Horse Face (by the way, Google Image search Sarah Jessica Parker Horse) to her but
that’s not quite right. If you have the answer, please let me know because it’s
killing me. Second, for a long stretch of time it appeared that Amanda could
not understand the English language. I was torn between wondering if she’d had
a stroke or if she was being Nell from the movie Nell. She continually has a look on her face that suggests she
doesn’t know where she is but that she is not above cutting a chick if it’ll
help her get to the top. AND YET SHE DIDN’T GET SENT HOME!!! She spent the
whole episode acting like a wild animal that had been forced to wear a dress
and perform for an audience and yet Sean kept her around. And I’m not sure if
that speaks more to her virtues when the camera isn’t around or more to Diana’s
lack of virtues since Sean sent her packing to be with her girls. Regardless,
Amanda is now the odds on favorite to actually start a legitimate fist fight in
the house and so I’m totally on board for her sticking around a while longer.
Next week looks like a fun one with AshLee getting some
serious attention from Sean and Tierra pretending to break her arm in order to
get attention. You’re the best, Bachelor.
POINT SCORERS
Sarah (210p)
One-on-One
Date: 25p
Rose
on One-on-One: 10p
First
Kiss: 100p
First
Helicopter Ride: 75p
Desiree (185p)
One-on-One
Date: 25p
Rose
on Date: 10p
First
Hot Tub: 100p
Kiss:
25p
Accuses
Someone of Being Fake: 25p
Lesley (110p)
“Claws
Coming Out”: 25p
Interrupts
Someone Else’s Alone Time: 35p
Kiss:
25p
Accuses
Someone of Being Fake: 25p
Tierra (100p)
“Not
Here to Make Friends”: 25p
First
to Bring Up Emily: 75p
Kacie (50p)
Rose
on Group Date: 50p
Kristy (25p)
Strokes
Sean’s Abs: 25p
AshLee (25p)
Survives
Without Date: 25p
Lindsay (25p)
Survives Without Date: 25p
Jackie (25p)
Survives Without Date: 25p
Amanda (15p)
Accused
of Being Fake: 15p
ANGELA
Desiree – 185p
Kristy – 25p
Tierra – 100p
Kacie – 50p
Lesley – 110p
Elimination Pick (Brooke, Katie) – 50p
Total: 520
Previous Total: 100
SEASON TOTAL: 620
ASHLEY
Desiree – 185p
Lesley – 110p
Kacie – 50p
Jackie – 25p
Total: 370
Previous Total: 0
SEASON TOTAL: 370
BRIAN
Desiree – 185p
Kacie – 50p
Tierra – 100p
AshLee – 25p
Elimination Pick (Katie) – 50p
Total: 410
Previous Total: 25
SEASON TOTAL: 435
CALENNA
Lesley – 110p
Tierra – 100p
AshLee – 25p
Elimination Pick (Brooke) – 100p
Total: 335
Previous Total: 25
SEASON TOTAL: 360
EMILY
Desiree – 185p
Kacie – 50p
Tierra – 100p
AshLee – 25p
Lesley – 110p
Elimination Pick (Brooke) – 100p
Total: 570
Previous Total: 50
SEASON TOTAL: 620
EMMELIE
Desiree – 185p
Tierra – 100p
Elimination Pick (Katie) – 20p
Total: 305
Previous Total: 125
SEASON TOTAL: 430
JENN
Desiree – 185p
Kacie – 50p
Tierra – 100p
AshLee – 25p
Elimination Pick (Brooke) – 100p
Total: 460
Previous Total: 75
SEASON TOTAL: 535
JOSH
Tierra – 100p
Lesley – 110p
Kristy – 25p
Desiree – 185p
Elimination Picks (Brooke, Diana) – 77p
Total: 497
Previous Total: 125
SEASON TOTAL: 622
KAITI
Sarah – 210p
Kacie – 50p
AshLee – 25p
Lesley – 110p
Elimination Picks (Katie) –10 0p
Total: 495
Previous Total: 125
SEASON TOTAL: 620
KELBY
Jackie – 25p
Tierra – 100p
Desiree - 185
Lesley – 110p
Elimination Pick (Brooke) – 100p
Total: 520
Previous Total: 125
SEASON TOTAL: 645
KYLIE
Desiree – 185p
Kacie – 50p
Tierra – 100p
Lesley – 110p
Total: 445
Previous Total: 100
SEASON TOTAL: 545
LINDSAY
Desiree – 185p
Tierra – 100p
AshLee – 25p
Lesley – 110p
Elimination Pick (Brooke) – 100p
Total: 520
Previous Total: 25
SEASON TOTAL: 545
LINDSEY
Desiree – 185p
Tierra – 100p
AshLee – 25p
Lesley – 110p
Elimination Picks (Brooke) – 50p
Total: 470
Previous Total: 60
SEASON TOTAL: 530
MALLORY
Desiree – 185p
Tierra – 100p
AshLee – 25p
Lindsay – 25p
Elimination Picks (Diana, Katie, Brooke) – 75p
Total: 335
Previous Total: 25
SEASON TOTAL: 360
MANDY
Desiree – 185p
Tierra – 100p
AshLee – 25p
Jackie – 25p
Total: 335
Previous Total: 125
SEASON TOTAL: 460
MICHELLE
Desiree – 185p
Tierra – 100p
AshLee – 25p
Amanda – 15p
Elimination Pick (Brooke) – 100p
Total: 425
Previous Total: 0
SEASON TOTAL: 425
MOLLY
Desiree – 185p
Tierra – 100p
Amanda – 15p
Lesley – 110p
Elimination Pick (Brooke) – 100p
Total: 510
Previous Total: 0
SEASON TOTAL: 510
TIFFANY
Desiree – 185p
Jackie – 25p
Tierra – 100p
AshLee – 25p
Lesley – 110p
Elimination Pick (Brooke) – 100p
Total: 545
Previous Total: 75
SEASON TOTAL: 620
TOBIN
Desiree – 185p
Tierra – 100p
Lesley – 110p
Elimination Picks (Brooke, Katie) – 100p
Total: 495
Previous Total: 75
SEASON TOTAL: 570
ZACK
Lindsay – 25p
Desiree – 185p
Tierra – 100p
AshLee – 25p
Elimination Pick (Brooke) – 100p
Total: 435
Previous Total: 125
SEASON TOTAL: 560
No comments:
Post a Comment