Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Week 3 Scoring Recap

The first date card is here and I hate to tell you, Robyn, but it's probably not going to say, "Let's ditch these B's and go fall in love for real."

LESLEY'S DATE
I feel like before these dates take place, Chris Harrison should show up and say, "Hey, girl who is about to go on a date, you're going to start you date at like a Chuck E Cheese so maybe don't wear a fancy dress for that." Case in point: Lesley looks really dumb wearing her best get up while standing next to "deceptively tight t-shirt guy" Sean inside a Guinness museum. But I guess it all worked out when the two were forced to stand in the middle of the street and lock lips for over 3 minutes and 16 seconds while a group of weirdos cheered them on. No one's looking at your too-fancy dress when they're focused on you making out in front of everyone in the world! I especially enjoyed Sean's narration of the events: "She was working her hands..." Look, ma, public groping! Huzzah! I'm glad that now Sean and his dad have something new to relate over. Years from now, Sean's kid will find out they both hold world records and that conversation will go like this:

Kid: "Grandpa, what is your record for?"
Grandpa: "Well, Joey, I drove across the entire United States of America in less than 100 hours! It was a grueling trip but I loved every minute of it!"
Kid: "Cool! Dad, what's your record for?"
Sean: "I made out with the chick, on national television, for like 4 minutes. I don't even remember her name, haha!"


I'd also like to make special mention of the Guinness guy because A.) he has some seriously British teeth and B.) he's walking around with that giant Guinness book that all the weird kids buy at the Scolastic Book Fair. Well done, sir.

The rest of the date, spent on the top of the Empire Records building, bored the snot out of me so let me make these quick observations then we're out.

1.) Lesley gets more and more Southern with each passing day. If she makes it to the home town dates, I totally expect her parents to be shoeless pig farmers.
2.) I'm kind of creeped out by Lesley's black eyes.
3.) Favorite quote of the night comes from Sean with, "You're the only girl I want to set records with", said in a tone of voice that seemed to suggest he should finish that sentence with, "Tonight, anyway. Tomorrow there will be other girls to set records with."

GROUP DATE
Once we got to the beach, everyone disrobed down to their neon bikinis (there was a LOT of neon making the rounds tonight and I'm not even including the bizarre neon stripe running down Kacie's cocktail dress) and everyone was in for a grand old time until, WHO KNEW!!!, Chris shows up to ruin everyone's fun by making them split into teams and play volleyball. Three things I like about this competition:

1.) I like that Amanda let us know that she is "probably one of the most competitive people here" as if we didn't know that already based on last week when she appeared ready to throw acid on any girl who so much as talked to Sean.
2.) I like that Daniella admitted that she's bad at sports, which immediately made me think to myself, "Is there anything Daniella is good at? Besides drinking, of course."
3.) I like that clearly NONE of these girls have ever touched a volleyball before, ever. The producers did a good job of keeping the action moving but I would wager that getting the score to 21-19 took at least three hours as I'm not sure there was a single volley in the entire match.

At this point Kristy breaks down which was weird because I wasn't sure she was human before than point and half the group leaves the beach to, "Go home and cry in their beds. Because they lost. So they don't get time with Sean" as Lindsay astutely pointed out. Speaking of Lindsay, she has a lisp, right? I'm not the only one who's noticed that, right? Guys? Guys? She's really pretty, though, I must say. If she can keep the crazy at bay for a few weeks, she could be a real player here.

Back at Sean's place, Amanda and Desiree have locked horns but after watching Courtney torment the human souls around her on her path to total world domination last season, this seems pretty lackluster. But worry not, ABC producers, because even though the drama within this group isn't all that palpable, Kacie B. is here to TOTALLY BLOW EVERYTHING OUT OF PROPORTION AND MAKE POSSIBLY THE WORST STRATEGIC DECISION IN THE HISTORY OF THE SHOW!!! I want to speak briefly and directly to Kacie here.

First of all Kacie, you look horrible. Your clothes look to be taken directly from the Ashley Hebert collection and your face is swollen to the point that I'm starting to wonder if you played Will Smith's stunt double in Hitch. Second, let me let you in on a little secret: NO STRAIGHT GUY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD WANTS TO BE INVOLVED WITH A GOSSIP. It is literally the worst thing you could do, this side of viciously attacking his mother and/or dog. Third, you were around for one of the greatest cons in the history of this show (Courtney convincing Ben and parts of America that she wasn't an alien monster sent to earth to plant her horrifying spawn in the body of an unknowing nitwit) and you're making a big deal out of THIS?! Desiree and Amanda snipping at each other is NOTHING. Awful choice, Kacie, and we could all see Sean's opinion of you change immediately. You are really dumb.

ASHLEE'S DATE
Poor Ashlee. After all the horrible things that happened in her early life, she's finally about to get her moment in the sun...and then Tierra steps in to usurp Sean's attention and leave you to stand around in your pretty dress while everyone pretends to care about her. Ugh, so lame and faker than Manti Te'o's girlfriend. Even Sean seemed a little whipped by her, though that didn't stop him from softly caressing her backside. Well done, little buddy.


Finally Ashlee gets some time with Sean all to herse--- nope, here are two special needs kids to spend their date with them! (Also, the dress and heels looks pretty dumb now that you're spending the day at an amusement park. Someone should be giving these girls tips on what to wear!) Seriously, that was a really sweet and cool gesture on the part of Sean and The Bachelor but ESPECIALLY on Ashlee's part. You're in a competition with 25 other women for one guy and the one chance you get to spend time with him, you're joined by a couple of strangers. She handled that like a trooper but you know she was a little ticked. But of course, this also works in her favor because she proved that she's a legitimately good human being which will actually matter (at least on some level) this year whereas it clearly didn't last time. Also, I can't be the only one who was concerned over whether or not that first girl would actually be allowed to ride roller coasters. I was kind of scared for her. 

Later we get a special performance from, SHOCKER!!!!!, another country band!!! Just ONCE I want to see The Bachelor bring in a non-country artist for these improptu shindigs, like the Foo Fighters or Band of Horses or Carly Rae Jepsen. Really anything that doesn't involve a fiddle. Hi, I'm Brian and I'm one of five Texans who really really hate country music. After that, we get plenty of time for Ashlee and Sean to get to know one another and Ashlee actually gets Sean to cry which, in hindsight, totally should have been worth some points (adding it to the list for next year). Good work, Ashlee, I'm rooting for you.

COCKTAIL PARTY
First, let me say I've been disappointed in Catherine. She was one I immediately regretted excluding from my roster but since that first episode she's basically just blended into the background. Get involved, Catherine. Second, I was sort of half watching the cocktail party and caught Sarah out of the corner of my eye and I had to do a double take on her missing arm. Totally caught me off guard for a second. I imagine Sean has had that reaction a time or two as well. And yet he keeps acting as if he's into her, even going so far as to make time to take her outside and present her with a little gift, which Sarah in turn FREAKED OUT OVER AND MADE A HUGE SCENE about Sean sending her home. I like to think that, upon watching her lose her mind before he even opened the door to the limo, Sean considered simply saying, "I brought your dog here so you'd have someone to keep you company on the ride home. Bye." She's awful.

The rest of the party moved along at rapid pace. Robyn complained about not getting to talk to Sean but then never did anything about it. Kacie wore a hideous dress and got sent home early, a move that literally everyone in the world could have predicted given her miserable strategy move the day before. And Desiree freaked out unnecessarily over not getting a rose when everyone knows she's completely safe until her fake ex-boyfriend shows up to ruin her chances and drive ratings. In the end, we say goodbye to the aforementioned Kacie, Kristy the robot model who will look like an old shoe within five years, and Taryn who might be 45 years old. That leaves us with I believe 13 girls, at least six of whom I believe have absolutely no chance of winning this thing. Fun times.

POINT SCORERS
Lesley - 60p (Kiss 25p, 1-on-1 date 25p, Rose on date 10p)
Lindsay - 75p (Kiss 25p, Group rose 50p)
Desiree - 85p (Kiss 25p, Accuses another person of being different with Sean/not here for the right reasons 25p, Interrupts alone time 35p)
Amanda - 15p (Accused of being different with Sean 15p)
Kacie - 60p (Cries in interview 25p, Interrupts 35p)
Tierra - 85p (Cries and creates a scene 50p, Interrupts 35p)
Ashlee - 85p (1-on-1 date 25p, Rose on date 10p, Kiss 25p, Cries in interview 25p)
Kristy - 25p (Cries 25p)
Taryn - 60p (Cries in interview 25p, Interrupts 35p)

ANGELA
Desiree - 85p
Tierra - 85p
Lesley - 60p
Kacie - 60p
Kristy - 25p
Elimination Pick (Taryn) - 25p
Total: 340
Previous Total: 620
SEASON TOTAL: 960

ASHLEY
Desiree - 85p
Lesley - 60p
Kacie - 60p
Total: 205
Previous Total: 370
SEASON TOTAL: 575

BRIAN
Desiree - 85p
Tierra - 85p
Ashlee - 85p
Kacie - 60p
Total: 315
Previous Total: 435
SEASON TOTAL: 750

CALENNA
Tierra - 85p
Ashlee - 85p
Taryn - 60p
Lesley - 60p
Elimination picks (Kacie, Tayrn) - 80p
Total: 370
Previous Total: 360
SEASON TOTAL: 730

EMILY
Tierra - 85p
Ashlee - 85p
Kacie - 60p
Lesley - 60p
Desiree - 85p
Elimination picks (Kristy, Taryn) - 60p
Total: 435
Previous Total: 620
SEASON TOTAL: 1055

EMMELIE
Tierra - 85p
Desiree - 85p
Taryn - 60p
Total: 230
Previous Total: 430
SEASON TOTAL: 660

JENN
Tierra - 85p
Ashlee - 85p
Taryn - 60p
Lesley - 60p
Desiree - 85p
Total: 375
Previous Total: 535
SEASON TOTAL: 915

JOSH
Tierra - 85p
Kristy - 25p
Taryn - 60p
Lesley - 60p
Desiree - 85p
Elimination pick (Kacie) - 50p
Total: 365
Previous Total: 622
SEASON TOTAL: 987

KAITI
Lesley - 60p
Ashlee - 85p
Kacie - 60p
Taryn - 60p
Elimination pick (Kristy) - 50p
Total: 315
Previous Total: 620
SEASON TOTAL: 935

KELBY
Tierra - 85p
Taryn - 60p
Lesley - 60p
Desiree - 85p
Elimination pick (Taryn) - 50p
Total: 340
Previous Total: 645
SEASON TOTAL: 985

KYLIE
Tierra - 85p
Kacie - 60p
Lesley - 60p
Desiree - 85p
Total: 290
Previous Total: 545
SEASON TOTAL: 835

LINDSAY
Tierra - 85p
Ashlee - 85p
Lesley - 60p
Desiree - 85p
Elimination pick (Taryn) - 100p
Total: 390
Previous Total: 545
SEASON TOTAL: 935

LINDSEY
Tierra - 85p
Ashlee - 85p
Lesley - 60p
Desiree - 85p
Eliminaton picks (Taryn, Kacie) - 100
Total: 415
Previous Total: 530
SEASON TOTAL: 945

MALLORY
Tierra - 85p
Ashlee - 85p
Lindsay - 75p
Lesley - 60p
Elimination pick (Taryn) - 50p
Total: 355
Previous Total: 360
SEASON TOTAL: 715

MANDY
Tierra - 85p
Taryn - 60p
Desiree - 85p
Ashlee - 85p
Elimination pick (Kacie) - 50p
Total: 365
Previous Total: 460
SEASON TOTAL: 825

MICHELLE
Tierra - 85p
Desiree - 85p
Ashlee - 85p
Amanda - 15p
Total: 270
Previous Total: 425
SEASON TOTAL: 695

MOLLY
Amanda - 15p
Tierra - 85p
Lesley - 60p
Desiree - 85p
Elimination pick (Kacie) - 50p
Total: 295
Previous Total: 510
SEASON TOTAL: 805

TIFFANY
Tierra - 85p
Ashlee - 85p
Lesley - 60p
Desiree - 85p
Elimination pick (Kacie) - 100p
Total: 415
Previous Total: 620
SEASON TOTAL: 1035

TOBIN
Tierra - 85p
Lesley - 60p
Desiree - 85p
Elimination pick (Kacie) - 100p
Total: 330
Previous Total: 570
SEASON TOTAL: 900

ZACK
Tierra - 85p
Ashlee - 85p
Lindsay - 75p
Desiree - 85p
Elimination pick (Taryn) - 100p
Total: 430
Previous Total: 560
SEASON TOTAL: 990

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