SELMA'S DATE
Just once I'd like the date card to show up with a different guy's signature on it. "Selma, Let's turn up the heat! *Heart*, Jeffrey." This would be great partly because of the confusion it would cause in the house and partly because we'd have the added drama of whether or not these girls would, in fact, go on a date with a random guy that they've literally never met even though they're here for Topless Sean or Caveman Ben or Greek god Brad Womack. My guess is 75% percent of the time, the girl would still go on the date WHICH IS WHY THIS SHOW WORKS IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Anyway, Topless Sean and Selma jump in a private plane where Selma makes mention of her 110 pound weight. I'll just let Jim Carrey handle this one and won't make another boob joke for the rest of this week, Scout's honor. Upon touchdown, the pair heads off into the wilderness presumably so Sean can smuggle her into Mexico and sell her vital organs on the black market...nope, my bad, it's just rock climbing but by the fuss Selma is putting up, you'd think the organ thing was actually happening. Seriously, she was not down for this date. Thankfully for her, Topless Sean "gave" her adrenaline, I'm guessing much like this though I have no idea why the producers cut that from the show!
After Selma stops whining and they climb to the top of the rock, they get all cleaned up and Topless Sean takes her to a fancy motor home park that could definitely serve as the setting for a creepy horror movie. Here, Selma tells Topless Sean that, "there's a lot you don't know about my family" which caused me to silently hope that they are members of the Taliban or something BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE FOR GREAT TV. After dissecting her conservative family, Selma makes it clear that she can't participate in any on screen kissing (good thing he didn't take her on the Guinness Book of World Records date, huh?) while simultaneously beckoning poor Topless Sean the entire time. Not cool, she devil. Of course the whole thing works and Selma is safe for at least one more week.
GROUP DATE
I like to think that when the idea for this date was pitched, it went something like this (again, I know Chris Harrison doesn't make all of these decisions but I think it's funnier to assume that he does so deal with it):
Chris Harrison: "We need to make these girls do something dramatic and physical on one of these dates."
Random Producer: "We could have them ski down a street in their bikinis."
Harrison: "WE'VE ALREADY DONE THAT GERALD! OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"
Random Producer: *dies*
Harrison: "What else?!"
Second Random Producer: "Um...what about roller derby?"
Harrison: "That's a terrible idea. IT'S PERFECT!!!"
Now I'd like to take my weekly moment to bash on Sarah since that seems to be a theme in these recaps. Sarah has GOT TO GO. Sure, Tierra may be a manipulative monster who WILL weigh 400 pounds in three years and sure, Amanda may look like a child found in the wilderness who was only recently introduced to society and sure, Daniella may be a drunk who brings absolutely nothing to this show. But above them all is Sarah. Her onearmedness is no longer an acceptable excuse for keeping her around given that her personality is so incredibly obnoxious. I'm sick of her crying and whining about her arm every week. It's not like she lost it in an unfortunate shark attack last year. She's had one arm for her whole life. You'd think she'd be used to it by now. More importantly, I'm sick of her monotone voice and Botoxed facial expressions. I really, really, REALLY hoped Topless Sean would call her bluff and just tell her to go home. It was the perfect way to get rid of her, he could have just said, "Well, if that's the way you feel I don't want you to waste your time" and immediately walked her to the door. Instead, he "talked her into staying" and then we get this little gem from her later on: "I think we all roll with the punches pretty well." Really, Sarah?! You just spent the whole date crying about the date but you think you roll with the punches pretty well? REALLY?! I am DONE with her. Shut it down.
At the fancy/slutty portion of the date, Amanda showed back up after "possibly breaking her jaw" and got almost no sympathy from Topless Sean. So she's gonna be gone. Lindsay manages to secure some serious alone time with Topless Sean and THEY ARE GOING AT IT, y'all. She's a sneaky contender here, by the way. She showed up in a freaking wedding dress and got drunk on the first night and he still kept her around. Since then, they've found quality time together every week, date or no date. She may be dumber than a pet rock but she's also hot and she's turning into much more of a player than I thought she would be. (By saying all this, I have probably doomed her to going home immediately.) Unfortunately for Lindsay, all the other girls have been picking on poor Tierra and that's prompted her to lose her mind. No, wait, that didn't happen at all, Tierra just imagined it and made a big deal out of literally nothing then interrupted Lindsay and Topless Sean in order to advance her own crazy agenda. I must give Tierra credit here. She is good at what she's doing. Eventually this game is going to wear thin and she'll be sent packing simply because no guy wants to put up with this much drama for the rest of his life. But in the meantime, she keeps it interesting and plays the game well enough to score the group date rose. And that little grin and half wink at the camera after she manipulates Topless Sean into keeping her around? TV gold.
LESLIE'S DATE
I have no idea how Leslie has stuck around this long and I have a feeling that Topless Sean doesn't either. I think, after the last rose ceremony, he and Chris Harrison were sitting around, drinking, and Chris asked him why he hadn't sent Leslie home yet and Topless Sean thought for a moment, laughed, and then said, "I forgot she was here. My bad!" This date has, "You're going home without a rose" written all over it.
Topless Sean picks Leslie up in a sweet ride to which Leslie exclaims, "Holy Moly Batman", a statement that I have never ever heard before. They head out on the prototypical Pretty Woman date which always makes me laugh because, as romantic as that movie may be, women always forget that in order for this fantasy to come true, you must first do a stint as a prostitute...and be friends with Laura San Giacomo, which is probably worse than the prostitute thing. The highlight of the date was when the pair arrived at Neil Lane's jewelry shop where I'm assuming Topless Sean made a joke to Neil like, "This could be the woman we'll be talking about in a few short weeks!" and then subtly shook his head while Leslie wasn't looking.
After all the glamour, the two head to a fancy dinner where Leslie admits that all of her exes get married after dating her, which I'm sure Topless Sean was thrilled to hear. Alas, the Pretty Woman fantasy comes to an end when Topless Sean cruelly picks up the rose and then tells Leslie he doesn't feel any romance toward her (duh), Leslie desperately says, "There isn't any romance at all?", Topless Sean tells her she can keep the earrings, and sends her on her way before returning to listen to Ben Taylor by himself and perform the most dramatic rose dropping of all time. Well done, sir.
COCKTAIL PARTY
We conclude the week with the following thoughts:
1.) There are SO MANY AWKWARD GIRLS in this house that it is easier to make note of the girls who aren't awkward than the other way around: Tierra, Ashlee, and Desiree. That's it.
2.) Ashlee is staking her claim as a contender. Right now, if I had to make a power rankings list, I'd call it as such: (1) Ashlee (2) Desiree (3) Catherine (4) Lindsay (5) Lesley. Just a guess.
3.) Robyn cornered Topless Sean and he had to kiss her in order to get out of the situation. In summarizing the events, Robyn states that, "He kissed me!" in a dreamy voice. I would say it was closer to you face raping him, Robyn, but I guess it's all semantics.
4.) Tierra, Robyn, and Jackie (seriously, has Jackie even said a word to anyone? How did she get roped into this?) hash out their differences and even though neither of them actually apologize, each accepts the other's apology.
5.) Did Catherine really just tuck a napkin with her lip print on it just inside her hemline? Gross.
6.) The statement of the night comes from Tierra when she says, "In life I always get what I want. That's why I'm a leasing consultant and still single."
7.) And once again, I must note that Amanda looks like a wild thing and that, I assume, is why she's headed home.
POINT SCORERS
(Note: I wrote down the total scores for each of the girls but inadvertently tossed out my note sheet before writing this recap. So the points for of you each of the girls is correct but I'm kind of guessing as to what each of them got point for this week. Sorry.)
Tierra - 125p (Accused of being here for the wrong reasons, kiss, group rose, cries, interrupts another's alone time)
Catherine - 50p (Kiss, accuses another participant)
Ashlee - 50p (Kiss, accuses another participant)
Desiree - 50p (Survives without a date, accuses)
Lesley - 25p (Survives without a date)
Lindsay - 25p (Kiss)
Amanda - 25p (Cries)
Sarah - 25p (Cries)
ANGELA
Tierra - 125p
Desiree - 50p
Lesley - 25p
Total: 200
Previous Total: 960
SEASON TOTAL: 1160
ASHLEY
Desiree - 50p
Lesley - 25p
Elimination Pick (Leslie) - 100p
Total: 175
Previous Total: 575
SEASON TOTAL: 750
BRIAN
Tierra - 125p
Desiree - 50p
Ashlee - 50p
Elimination pick (Leslie) - 100p
Total: 325
Previous Total: 325
SEASON TOTAL: 1075
CALENNA
Tierra - 125p
Lesley - 25p
Ashlee - 50p
Elimination pick (Leslie) - 100p
Total: 300
Previous Total: 730
SEASON TOTAL: 1030
EMILY
Lesley - 25p
Tierra - 125p
Desiree - 50p
Ashlee - 50p
Total: 250
Previous Total: 1055
SEASON TOTAL: 1305
EMMELIE
Catherine - 50p
Tierra - 125p
Desiree - 50p
Elimination picks (Leslie, Amanda) - 80p
Total: 305
Previous Total: 660
SEASON TOTAL: 965
JENN
Tierra - 125p
Desiree - 50p
Ashlee - 50p
Elimination pick (Leslie) - 100p
Total: 325
Previous Total: 915
SEASON TOTAL: 1240
JOSH
Tierra - 125p
Desiree - 50p
Lesley - 25p
Total: 200
Previous Total: 987
SEASON TOTAL: 1187
KAITI
Sarah - 25p
Lesley - 25p
Ashlee - 50p
Elimination pick (Amanda) - 50p
Total: 150
Previous Total: 935
SEASON TOTAL: 1085
KELBY
Lesley - 25p
Tierra - 125p
Desiree - 50p
Elimination pick (Leslie) - 100p
Total: 300
Previous Total: 985
SEASON TOTAL: 1285
KYLIE
Lesley - 25p
Tierra - 125p
Desiree - 50p
Elimination pick (Leslie) - 50p
Total: 250
Previous Total: 835
SEASON TOTAL: 1085
LINDSAY
Lesley - 25p
Tierra - 125p
Desiree - 50p
Ashlee - 50p
Elimination pick (Amanda) - 50p
Total: 325
Previous Total: 935
SEASON TOTAL: 1260
LINDSEY
Lesley - 25p
Tierra - 125p
Desiree - 50p
Ashlee - 50p
Catherine - 50p
Elimination pick (Leslie) - 100p
Total: 400
Previous Total: 945
SEASON TOTAL: 1345
MALLORY
Lesley - 25p
Tierra - 125p
Lindsay - 25p
Ashlee - 50p
Catherine - 50p
Total: 275
Previous Total: 715
SEASON TOTAL: 990
MANDY
Tierra - 125p
Desiree - 50p
Ashlee - 50p
Total: 225
Previous Total: 825
SEASON TOTAL: 1050
MICHELLE
Amanda - 25p
Tierra - 125p
Desiree - 50p
Ashlee - 50p
Catherine - 50p
Elimination pick (Amanda) - 50p
Total: 350
Previous Total: 695
SEASON TOTAL: 1045
MOLLY
Amanda - 25p
Tierra - 125p
Desiree - 50p
Ashlee - 50p
Lesley - 25p
Total: 275
Previous Total: 805
SEASON TOTAL: 1080
TIFFANY
Tierra - 125p
Desiree - 50p
Ashlee - 50p
Lesley - 25p
Total: 250
Previous Total: 1035
SEASON TOTAL: 1285
TOBIN
Tierra - 125p
Desiree - 50p
Catherine - 50p
Lesley - 25p
Elimination pick (Leslie) - 100p
Total: 350
Previous Total: 900
SEASON TOTAL: 1250
ZACK
Tierra - 125p
Desiree - 50p
Catherine - 50p
Ashlee - 50p
Lindsay - 25p
Elimination pick (Amanda) - 50p
Total: 350
Previous Total: 990
SEASON TOTAL: 1340
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