EPISODE 1
- We're in Montana this week and like most of you, the only thing I know about Montana is that it is the birth place of The Big Montana. No, that's not true? Okay then. I know nothing about Montana.
- Did Daniella just call Sean her boyfriend? Really? Does he even know her name?
- Tierra makes note of the fact that while she doesn't care for this sort of strange dating experiment she willingly signed herself up for, she still plans to, "make the best of it." I beg to differ.
LINDSAY'S DATE
- How did none of the women hear the helicopter land in the first place?
- Lindsay is hot and she seems to be fun and Sean obviously likes that. But she won't win for two reasons: 1.) She has a slight hint of the Crazy Eyes that comes out at weird times and 2.) She talks like a teenager. Mark it down.
- Hey Sean, no one likes being an Army brat so let's not pretend like this knowledge is some sort of shocking revelation.
- This is the shortest, most non-nondescript date ever.
- I have no idea who this singer is and judging by this song, I don't want to know.
- And now all of America has seen your crack, Lindsay. Bravo.
GROUP DATE
- I'm pretty sure it was Daniella who asked if the goats were dogs. I'd like to believe she was making a joke but knowing Daniella as we all do, I think it's safe to guess that she in fact has never seen a goat.
- I feel like this entire obstacle course was set up with the express intention of making any men who happen to be watching this giggle and try not to make inappropriate jokes. As such, I'll just let Michael Scott make my joke(s) for me.
- So after all of that, we're just going to let the other girls come back and rejoin the date? If I'm Desiree I'm pretty stinking mad right now. I just guzzled goat's milk in the most unsophisticated fashion ever and now you're telling me it was for nothing? Weaksauce.
- Obligatory, "Sarah is the worst" thought of the week (fill in your own thought).
- We're starting to see Selma's true colors. She isn't an enjoyable person. Sean will tire of her before he tires of Tierra, guaranteed.
- Speaking of Tierra, here she is to surprise Sean by sneaking up behind him and playing the "Guess who?!" game, to which his honest response was most likely, "Um, any number of girls, actually."
- Also, when Sean looks back on this adventure, this will be the moment he realizes Tierra was a crazy person.
- Lower on the crazy scale than Tierra but lurking prominently nonetheless is Ashlee. She's sweet, she's pretty, she's very serious about all of this, and I like her. But she's getting really heavy really fast and that usually turns out poorly.
- Daniella finally scores some alone time with Sean and immediately begins crying, which is definitely what you want.
- And yet, of course it works because Sean is too much of a sucker who always buys into the sobs stories. Boo.
- Enjoy that rose, Daniella, because it's the last one you'll ever get. I hope you preserve it forever like the one in Beauty and the Beast.
- And of all the girls who have the right to complain about Daniella getting the rose, Robyn is the least of them. Seriously, Robyn, you're only here because he's had more obnoxious girls to get rid of so far. Stop whining.
2-on-1 DATE
- The 2-on-1 date is one of the best ideas anyone has ever had in the production of this show. They should do this 5 times a season.
- Jackie looks supremely rattled. This date was over before it even began. Poor kid.
- On the other hand, Jackie has no personality whatsoever so it probably wouldn't have mattered anyway.
- I love it when people who don't know how to talk trash try to talk trash. Jackie looks and sounds so incredibly uncomfortable while throwing Tierra under the bus. She might as well tell a yo mama joke.
- At this point, while discussing the merits of both of these girls, Sean gives us some insight into what he's going through when he mentions that there is, "So much drama" that comes along with Tierra. This is a battle pretty much every guy has gone through at some point. Yeah, she's a huge pain in the butt and yet she's hot so... Eventually common sense will win out but it's not going to be today, Jackie.
- Does anyone else think Tierra's story is total crap? It seems totally fabricated and too familiar, like she saw someone else with a similar story on a past season of The Bachelor and just copied it. Also, if she was with this person for 5 years and he died in 2009, that would have made her 16 when they got together. I'm just saying it's fishy. But it worked so...
COCKTAIL PARTY
- Whoever said, "He gives roses to girls having a bad time" was SPOT ON.
- Desiree should pull her bangs back more often. Looks totally different. Almost Rachel Leigh Cook-ish.
- Now it's time for "Tierra and Robyn Fight for No Real Reason!" It's been a couple of weeks since these two had a standoff so it's about time. Robyn represents the People's Coalition for Clear Thinking (even though she's kind of crazy herself) while Tierra fights for a more popular group known as the Association of Women Who Are Sort-Of Hot and Therefore Feel They Can Act Anyway They Want. It should be a great fight but unfortunately Robyn really doesn't have the guts to go all the way with this and as Tierra notes, she's not a fighter, though she wishes she was because if she was, she would beat these girls down. In related news, if I was 6 inches taller and had more athletic ability, I would totally dunk a basketball.
- We do get one interesting quote from Tierra who remarks that if she wanted to get engaged, she could considering how many men are out there. Hey ladies, maybe THIS is what you tell Sean in regards to what a horrible person Tierra is.
- Now that Sean has gotten some of the story from Lesley (who tried to handle the situation diplomatically but shouldn't have), he's now confused and needs Chris Harrison to guide him. I wish Brad Womack was here to help. I think he'd say, "Use your head-brain, braugh, not your pants brain." I miss Brad.
- Alas, Brad wasn't here to help and Sean sends Robyn packing, partly because she's a whippin' and partly because he inadvertently gave Daniella a rose earlier and can't reneg on that. But at least we get a tearful goodbye from Robyn who actually and inexplicably thought she was going to win.
EPISODE 2
- After a rough week in Montana (to which residents of Montana replied, "Yeah, try living here"), Sean and the girls set off to somewhere in Canada. I'm assuming British Columbia but I'm going to be honest, I wasn't paying too much attention.
- My ears perk up, however, when I hear Daniella spouting off about deserving a 1-on-1 date this week because she's dumb and drunk and doesn't understand anything about life.
CATHERINE'S DATE
- We've all been waiting for this one for a long time now. Catherine and Sean seem to have a real connection but they're rarely able to spend time together and up to this point, they haven't even been on a date.
- Sean pulls up in a snow bus which I DIDN'T KNOW WAS A THING UNTIL NOW.
- Now that they're on a date on a freaking glacier, they discover that, hey, it's freaking cold...in Canada...when you're standing on a glacier. WHAT?!?!
- Statements like, "I'm never cold when I'm with Sean" make me cringe. I want to like Catherine but if she keeps dropping cheesy one-liners like this I'm out.
- "Carriage ride" should have totally been included in the point system. Somebody remind me of that next year.
- Now it's time for the emotional backstory we've all been waiting for and man, is it a doozy! Catherine watched her friend get crushed by a tree at age 12. That's the sort of thing you can't make up. I look forward to next week when Tierra discusses her sister who was also crushed by a tree while shooting up heroin in the ghetto they lived in when she was 8.
- And we finish with the following statement from Sean: "Catherine has melted my heart." Get it? Because they're in an ice castle. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
GROUP DATE
- Ugh, cut it out Ashlee. You're starting to get obnoxious. Of course Lesley jumped at the chance to ride in the canoe with Sean. You should have tried to do the same, dummy.
- Question: does Selma know that sharks do not live in landlocked lakes in the middle of Canada? I say no.
- Do these girls really think the day is over? They're all acting like their entire pre-cocktail activity is just going to be canoeing across a lake. Because that took like 12 minutes.
- There's the turn, ladies. Now you have to get down to your skivvies and jump in a freezing lake or else you run the risk of going home! Haha, suckers!
- A word about these sort of "life threatening" stunts: ABC makes approximately $100 billion off of the combined efforts of The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor Pad. If someone dies or even has a serious physical issue on a date, all of that goes away. Therefore, nothing you're ever going to have to do on this show is truly "life threatening." So stop whining.
- HE SAID IT! Sean said, "You only live once" so now I have an excuse to post this video! This is just the best day, guys.
- Selma won't do this bit, partly because she's from Iraq where they don't have water and partly because she never wants to do anything, ever. Marry Selma, Sean, and the rest of your life will be filled with velour tracksuits, tiny lap dogs, and high caviar bills. Abandon ship, dude.
- This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to Tierra. You can already see her thinking of ways to use this stunt to her advantage.
- As if I haven't made fun of Daniella enough, now she gives us this little quip: "Sean is hot, I'm hot. Let's just jump in and get hot and cold together." Those are words to live by, my friends.
- Also, you're not hot, Daniella, but you sure are bouncy so I guess use that to your advantage? Oh, you're already trying that, nevermind.
- Ease up on the psychology of having a breakthrough, Ashlee. You jumped in cold water for .3 seconds.
- HERE COMES THE CRAZY, EVERYBODY!!!
- This is the fakest thing ever. I know the EMT and lifeguard have to treat Tierra like she's really dying but come on, y'all, this is a joke.
- I think it's HILARIOUS that Catherine and Desiree, up in their tower, need to know who it is that's being rushed away in a pseudo-ambulance. OF COURSE IT'S TIERRA, dummies.
- Kudos to the producers/editors who knocked it out of the park with this sequence: 1.) Tierra being treated in her room by 100 paramedics 2.) Desiree wondering, "If this is what Tierra looks like, what about the other girls?" 3.) A quick cut to a shot of the other girls running into their room, wooing, and generally having the time of their lives. PERFECT.
- Now Sean is here to bless Tierra's heart. Ugh. This has to end at some point, right?
- I'm slightly concerned that Lesley is being put into the Friend Zone. Not 100% sure but put a pin in that.
- Oh man, now it's time for, "Sarah is the Worst." First of all, this is not the appropriate time for the picture show. Second, is she just carrying these pictures around all the time? Third, WHY ARE THESE PICTURES IN BLACK AND WHITE?! They look super old. Is Sarah actually in her mid-60s? Is her plastic surgery actually really stinking good? What is happening?
- Lesley gets the group rose, but possibly because she's his best friend in the house. Serious concern for her.
- Now it's time to send Sarah home "for her own sake" and not at all because she started acting sort-of serious about this and Sean never had any intention of actually dating her.
- Sean said it right, however. This felt forced the entire time. There was nothing there.
- I'm kind of surprised she was able to keep it together in front of him but then again, I'm not sure her face is capable of showing emotion.
- I would watch a show called, "Daniella and Lindsay Have Logical Discussions." Make that happen, Chris Harrison.
- TIERRORIST! They're calling her the TIERRORIST! How did I not think of that?! Perfect.
- Okay, there's no way Tierra ends up winning this thing. No way. BUT. If somehow she tricks Sean into picking her, their relationship will be over before the After the Final Rose episode because of all her interviews. Everything she says to the camera is horrifying and Sean won't stand for it. I promise.
DESIREE'S DATE
- I think it would be more fun if the girls had to pack their bags to leave AFTER they didn't get a rose. You'd just have this total awkwardness where the girls are either trying to comfort the unchosen one while simultaneously being happy that she's gone. Meanwhile, 25% of the time the girl who is getting kicked out would be FREAKING OUT. It would make for great TV.
- That elk was not impressed by Sean and Desiree climbing the tree.
- These two have actually, legitimate chemistry.
- Desiree used to live in a tent. That is all.
- I admit I'm in Bachelor overload now and don't have anything else to say.
COCKTAIL PARTY
- Hey look! Formerly pious Selma is now puckering up! You could see this coming from a mile away. Values start to go out the window when you're up against the wall and she is definitely on the chopping block tonight.
- Selma's family might get killed for this. Hope it was worth it.
- Lindsay has smartly enacted the "No Kissing Embargo of 2013" because she sensed that, you know, all she does with Sean is make out. It would be really funny if he sent her home after this but he won't. Actually a shrewd move in my estimation.
- You know what's not a shrewd move? Ashlee's weird blindfold bit. I am really uncomfortable right now. This is weird.
- And with that, we say adieu to Selma and Daniella.
- Sorry you shamed your family for nothing, Selma.
- Daniella astutely sums up her entire experience on this show with this eloquent statement: "I was like, whaaaattt?" Ugh. I feel like she's a character on a Bravo original series that airs in between Watch What Happens Live and The Rachel Zoe Project. Good riddance.
POINT SCORERS
A brief word. I had forgotten about the points for speaking about the death of a family member and/or spouse. I don't THINK anyone has gone there yet but since I haven't explicitly been paying attention to it thus far, I'm going to throw that out altogether so as not to award one player points and not another. Just FYI. Also, roster bonuses are for having 2 or more contestants in the top 6. There will be no points for having 2 or more in the top 7 because there never was a top 7, only a top 9.
Lindsay 200p (Ep 1: 1-on-1, Cry on camera, Helicopter, Kiss, Rose, Dance. Ep 2: Interrupts, "Steals Away", Kiss)
Tierra 90p (Accused of being different with girls, Cries, 2-on-1 rose)
Jackie 50p (Accused, cries)
Ashlee 75 (Ep 1: Kiss. Ep 2: Cries, Kiss)
Catherine 60p (1-on-1, Rose, Kiss)
Lesley 75p (Kiss, Group Rose)
Sarah 25p (Cries)
Desiree 60p (1-on-1, Kiss, Rose)
ANGELA
Tierra - 90p
Desiree - 60p
Lesley - 75p
Elimination Picks - 150p
Roster Bonus (3) - 70p
Total: 445
Previous Total: 1160
SEASON TOTAL: 1605
ASHLEY
Desiree - 60p
Lesley - 75p
Elimination Picks - 150p
Roster Bonus (2) - 50
Total: 385
Previous Total: 750
SEASON TOTAL: 1135
BRIAN
Tierra - 90p
Desiree - 60p
Ashlee - 75p
Elimination picks - 100p
Roster Bonus (3)
Total: 395
Previous Total: 1075
SEASON TOTAL: 1470
CALENNA
Tierra - 90p
Lesley - 75p
Ashlee - 75p
Elimination picks - 100p
Roster Bonus (3)
Total: 410
Previous Total: 1030
SEASON TOTAL: 1440
EMILY
Lesley - 75p
Tierra - 90p
Desiree - 60p
Ashlee - 75p
Elimination picks - 150p
Roster Bonus (4)
Total: 540
Previous Total: 1305
SEASON TOTAL: 1845
EMMELIE
Catherine - 60p
Tierra - 90p
Desiree - 60p
Elimination picks - 125p
Roster Bonus (3) - 70
Total: 405
Previous Total: 965
SEASON TOTAL: 1370
JENN
Tierra - 90p
Desiree - 60p
Ashlee - 75p
Elimination picks - 100p
Roster Bonus (3) - 70
Total: 395
Previous Total: 1240
SEASON TOTAL: 1635
JOSH
Tierra - 90p
Desiree - 60p
Lesley - 75p
Elimination picks - 100p
Roster Bonus (3) - 70
Total: 395
Previous Total: 1187
SEASON TOTAL: 1582
KAITI
Sarah - 25p
Lesley - 75p
Ashlee - 75p
Elimination picks - 150p
Roster Bonus (2) - 50
Total: 375
Previous Total: 1085
SEASON TOTAL: 1460
KELBY
Lesley - 75p
Tierra - 90p
Desiree - 60p
Jackie - 50p
Elimination picks - 100p
Roster Bonus (3) - 70
Total: 445
Previous Total: 1285
SEASON TOTAL: 1730
KYLIE
Lesley - 75p
Tierra - 90p
Desiree - 60p
Elimination picks - 100p
Roster Bonus (3) - 70
Total: 395
Previous Total: 1085
SEASON TOTAL: 1480
LINDSAY
Lesley - 75p
Tierra - 90p
Desiree - 60p
Ashlee - 75p
Elimination picks - 100p
Roster Bonus (4) - 90
Total: 490
Previous Total: 1260
SEASON TOTAL: 1750
LINDSEY
Lesley - 75p
Tierra - 90p
Desiree - 60p
Ashlee - 75p
Catherine - 60p
Elimination picks - 150p
Roster Bonus (5) - 110
Total: 620
Previous Total: 1345
SEASON TOTAL: 1965
MALLORY
Lesley - 75p
Tierra - 90p
Lindsay - 200p
Ashlee - 75p
Catherine - 60p
Elimination picks - 150
Roster Bonus (5) - 110
Total: 760
Previous Total: 990
SEASON TOTAL: 1750
MANDY
Tierra - 90p
Desiree - 60p
Ashlee - 75p
Jackie - 50p
Elimination picks - 100p
Roster Bonus (3) - 70
Total: 445
Previous Total: 1050
SEASON TOTAL: 1495
MICHELLE
Tierra - 90p
Desiree - 60p
Ashlee - 75p
Catherine - 60p
Elimination picks - 100p
Roster Bonus (4) - 90
Total: 475
Previous Total: 1045
SEASON TOTAL: 1520
MOLLY
Tierra - 90p
Desiree - 60p
Ashlee - 75p
Lesley - 75p
Elimination picks - 150p
Roster Bonus (4) - 90
Total: 525
Previous Total: 1080
SEASON TOTAL: 1605
TIFFANY
Tierra - 90p
Desiree - 60p
Ashlee - 75p
Lesley - 75p
Jackie - 50p
Elimination picks - 100p
Roster Bonus (4) - 90
Total: 540
Previous Total: 1285
SEASON TOTAL: 1825
TOBIN
Tierra - 90p
Desiree - 60p
Catherine - 60p
Lesley - 75p
Elimination picks - 175p
Roster Bonus (4) - 90
Total: 550
Previous Total: 1250
SEASON TOTAL: 1800
ZACK
Tierra - 90p
Desiree - 60p
Catherine - 60p
Ashlee - 75p
Lindsay - 75p
Elimination picks - 200p
Roster Bonus (5) - 110
Total: 795
Previous Total: 1340
SEASON TOTAL: 2135
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