Week 8 Scoring Recap

If Jeff Foxworthy were in charge of this game, he'd take this moment to say something like, "If you're more excited about the Hometown Dates than you are about the possibility of eating today, you might be a Bachelorneck" but since I am not Jeff Foxworthy I will make no such lowbrow joke. But seriously, what is better, I ask you, than the Hometown Dates?! It's like Christmas day plus that glorious afternoon when you were a kid and you stayed home "sick" on a day when the Maury Povich show was particularly awesome. That was just me? Okay, sure.

ASHLEE'S DATE
I like that these two are only a few days away from potentially making the decision to spend the rest of their lives together and they only just found out what their respective fathers do for a living. "Your dad is a minister too? That is neat! High five!" The beginning of this date also brought out a truth about Ashlee: she's really hard to figure out. I would hazard a guess that 50% of the reason she's still here is because Sean can't decide if she's crazy or not and that's intriguing.

Okay, show of hands, who was uncomfortable while Ashlee was telling her mom and dad literally EVERYTHING that she and Sean have done during their time together? If your hand isn't up please leave The Bachelor Fantasy League now and never return. It's weird enough that they're going to see this stuff on national television, you definitely do not need to tell them. Her parents seemed more uncomfortable than anyone. Gross.

I think Ashlee's dad handled this whole thing like a boss. Like a Bosh, even (a joke for an audience of three! Yay!). Said his peace but made it clear that he gets how this whole thing works. There'll be no hard feelings coming from this man when Sean breaks his little girl's heart. There will be hard feelings, however, from Ashlee herself who is going to have a legitimate mental breakdown if and when she gets left behind. Just get ready.

CATHERINE'S DATE
Sean greets Catherine, every time the two of them come together, in much the same way that Brad used to greet Emily. He's super stoked to see her every time. Take that as you will.

Let me stop down and take a moment to say how much I love Seattle. Pike's Place Market is just the coolest place. If you haven't been, you should visit. And then come home before all the rain makes you suicidal. Just some friendly advice from one Bachelorian to another. On with the show.

This visit was a reminder that if you really want the dirt on a prospect Bachelor contestant, you need two siblings in the room. One sibling will defend his/her brother/sister to the death and never say a bad thing about them unless they're secretly in love with the sibling like Ben's sister was. But two siblings...now they'll get to talking and spill all the beans. Well done, Catherine's sisters.

And it wouldn't be Hometown Date Week without the Bachelor not really asking a parent for their blessing and then getting all weird about not getting said blessing. If you would have been clear in your wording this probably wouldn't be a problem, knucklehead.

LINDSAY'S DATE
I'm still not sure how Lindsay made it this far. She's hot, sure, and she seems to be fun but she's a kid, she acts like a kid, and all these two do is make out. I would be SHOCKED if she somehow came home the winner. But in keeping with the theme of their relationship, Sean and Lindsay spent their time kissing and working on a goofy training regiment that brought back memories of Gob getting Buster to climb the wall for Army, for which I will be eternally grateful. (This clip does not exist on YouTube and it makes me feel like nothing in the world matters anymore. How could you let me down like that, YouTube?)

The family portion of Lindsay's Hometown Date was much less entertaining than I had imagined it would be. Turns out the two star general is a pretty solid dude who didn't try to intimidate Sean (although for a moment the confrontation felt a little like Ross meeting Emily's dad), Lindsay's brother is a nerdy looking kid who doesn't get ANY screen time (I assume he was playing Dungeons and Dragons in the basement), and Lindsay's mom has a serious laugh. And that's about it.

DESIREE'S DATE
The Bachelor always saves the best for last and almost always delivers on the promise of serious drama. This date was no different.

First, a word on Desiree, whom I really and truly like. She does, however, have just a hint of manliness to her. Not like man hands or anything, but she's got some broad shoulders and at times she just looks BIG. Like, she might be able to beat up Sean. Second, that ex-boyfriend bit was obviously a prank but Sean fell for it hook, line, and sinker. I believe he was, in fact, ready to fight if he had to but he was more relieved that Marshall Eriksen when he realized he wouldn't have to. Third, I bet Desiree really wished she hadn't gone the prank route when her brother showed up and made a complete fool of himself and his entire family.

When her family showed up, I was a little taken aback by how...um...rough they all looked until I remembered that this family spent 6 months living in a tent together. That makes sense. Her mom is DEFINITELY a librarian and dad looks like a guy who hasn't spoken his mind in 30 years. I thoroughly enjoyed the awkward man hug that Sean and Desiree's dad enjoyed at the end of their alone time. I'm not sure what the female equivalent is of the awkwardness men feel when they're in a situation like this but I assure you it is quite palpable. If Shakespeare began writing in the mid-90s, the question would have been "to hug or not to hug." (Note: No it wouldn't. Sorry for cheapening your work, Bill.)

Now, onto the brother. First of all, sweet tats, braugh. Because anytime you can get barbed wire winding down your leg forever imprinted on your body, you have to do it. Second, I can't be the only one who picked up on the distinct, "I have a crush on my sister" vibe that this guy was putting out there, right? I have a sister whom I am very protective of but this had a different feel to it. Maybe he and Ben's sister should get together. Third, I'm going to go ahead and put myself on record as saying this guy has had his share of run ins with drugs. Just a hunch.

Sean handled this mess with real class but no matter what he says, this DEFINITELY sealed Desiree's fate. It's not so much the brother attacking him, it's that these actions were compounded by no one telling the brother to check it. I get the feeling that this dude ruins things for the rest of the family on a regular basis but someone needed to send him packing on this occasion.

Last note: there are an awful lot of degrees and certifications on the wall for someone who makes her living as a seamstress. I'm just saying.

ROSE CEREMONY
"The Bookshelf of Women" is one of the greatest things about this show. I always love it when the Bachelor has to retreat to his study to contemplate the headshots of his various options. I like to think that Chris Harrison has such a bookshelf at home for himself.

Speaking of Chris, this is unquestionably the best advice he's ever given on this show: "Get this right." Oh, thanks Chris! I was considering the option to completely blow this and thereby ruin my life but thanks to you, I now know I shouldn't take that approach. Thanks buddy!

Unfortunately, I'm not sure Sean was listening because he DEFINITELY made the wrong decision. Of all the remaining girls, I would say Desiree is the one with the highest chance of actually becoming this dude's wife. Worse yet, I think you could see that realization dawning on Sean as he was about to send her off in the limo. The dude was really struggling and it's understandable as now he's left with a potentially crazy person with significant baggage, an insecure and career-minded girl who he may or may not actually like, and a woo girl who acts like a 17 year old most of the time. Bad move, Sherbatsky.

SEAN TELLS ALL
Leading up to this week, everytime I heard someone mention "Sean Tells All", all I heard was, "Shawntel's All", which I assume would be a Bachelor spin-off show for former contestant Shawntel the Undertaker. The tag line for this show would, of course be, "She works with the dead but her heart is anything but cold." How does that not draw a decent rating on Friday nights in the summer? You're welcome, ABC. (Shout out to our own Emmelie Pickett for co-writing that joke.)

Very quickly, let's knock this out:

- There are a number of reasons why I could never be the Bachelor but way up the list would be my inability to sit with my legs crossed like that. I don't understand how guys can do that.

- You just know Sean is rocking some sweet lilac socks with that shirt and tie ensemble. I hope he got the whole thing at Rent a Swag.

- Chris mentioned that Sarah was a fan favorite to which my response is simply, "No."

- Another fallacy mentioned by either Sean or Chris in regards to Sarah is the opinion that she was a trooper during her time in the house. No, no she wasn't. She whined the entire time and had to be reassured on a constant basis. Lies, Chris Harrison!

- I like that Sean admitted he was caught off guard by Selma's lips embargo because she was, you know, a giant tease the entire time they were together.

- For the most part this never before seen footage stuff was a waste of time but we did get this little gem when Sean was "flirting" with Lesley: "You know how daddy likes his brownie." I'm not going to add to that, I just wanted to draw attention to it.

- Sean is going to be really, really embarrassed when he watches this season back and realizes just how close he came to taking Tierra all the way to the final. As a legitimate fan of Sean, a guy who genuinely seems to be a decent human being, it was good to see him admit that Tierra had pulled the wool over his eyes rather than attempting to justify his attraction to her.

- We're totally seeing Tierra on Bachelor Pad. I'm sure of it.

- Oh man, I had forgotten about Ashley P. What a trainwreck.

- Catherine is weird. I enjoy the silliness as much as the next guy (no I don't) but man, she really pushes the line on what's silly and what's stupid.

- And what would this season be without speculation on the sexual habits of our protagonist. The overnight dates are going to be...somewhat of a letdown, yo!


POINT SCORERS
Ashlee - 25p (Kiss)
Lindsay - 25p (Kiss)
Desiree - 100p (Cry, Kiss, Disapproving Family Member)
Catherine - 25p (Kiss)

ANGELA
Desiree - 100p
Fourth Place Finish - 100p
Elimination Picks - 100p
Total: 300
Previous Total: 1910
SEASON TOTAL: 2210

ASHLEY
Desiree - 100p
Fourth Place Finish - 100p
Total: 200
Previous Total: 1210
SEASON TOTAL: 1410

BRIAN
Desiree - 100p
Ashlee - 25p
Elimination picks - 50p
Fourth Place Finish - 100p
Total: 275
Previous Total: 2125
SEASON TOTAL: 2400

CALENNA
Ashlee - 25p
Elimination Pick - 100p
Total: 125
Previous Total: 1920
SEASON TOTAL: 2045

EMILY
Desiree - 100p
Ashlee - 25p
Elimination picks - 50p
Fourth Place Finish - 100p
Total: 275
Previous Total: 2525
SEASON TOTAL: 2800

EMMELIE
Catherine - 25p
Desiree - 100p
Fourth Place Finish - 100p
Total: 225
Previous Total: 1775
SEASON TOTAL: 2000

JENN
Desiree - 100p
Ashlee - 25p
Elimination Pick - 100p
Fourth Place Finish - 100p
Total: 325
Previous Total: 2190
SEASON TOTAL: 2515

JOSH
Desiree - 100p
Fourth Place Finish - 100p
Total: 200
Previous Total: 1870
SEASON TOTAL: 2070

KAITI
Ashlee - 25p
Total: 25
Previous Total: 1760
SEASON TOTAL: 1785

KELBY
Desiree - 100p
Elimination picks - 100p
Fourth Place Finish - 100p
Total: 300
Previous Total: 2085
SEASON TOTAL: 2385

KYLIE
Desiree - 100p
Fourth Place Finish - 100p
Total: 200
Previous Total: 1735
SEASON TOTAL: 1935

LINDSAY
Desiree - 100p
Ashlee - 25p
Elimination picks - 100p
Fourth Place Finish - 100p
Total: 325
Previous Total: 2455
SEASON TOTAL: 2780

LINDSEY
Desiree - 100p
Ashlee - 25p
Catherine - 25p
Fourth Place Finish - 100p
Roster Bonus (2) - 150
Total: 400
Previous Total: 2755
SEASON TOTAL: 3155

MALLORY
Lindsay - 25p
Ashlee - 25p
Catherine - 25p
Roster Bonus (3) - 200p
Elimination pick - 100p
Total: 375
Previous Total: 2490
SEASON TOTAL: 2865

MANDY
Desiree - 100p
Ashlee - 25p
Elimination picks - 100p
Fourth Place Finish - 100p
Total: 325
Previous Total: 2150
SEASON TOTAL: 2475

MICHELLE
Desiree - 100p
Ashlee - 25p
Catherine - 25p
Elimination picks - 50p
Fourth Place Finish - 100p
Roster Bonus (2) - 150
Total: 450
Previous Total: 2210
SEASON TOTAL: 2660

MOLLY
Desiree - 100p
Catherine - 25p
Fourth Place Finish - 100p
Total: 225
Previous Total: 2010
SEASON TOTAL: 2235

TIFFANY
Desiree - 100p
Ashlee - 25p
Fourth Place Finish - 100p
Elimination picks - 100p
Total: 325
Previous Total: 2555
SEASON TOTAL: 2880

TOBIN
Desiree - 100p
Catherine - 25p
Fourth Place Finish - 100p
Elimination picks - 100p
Total: 325
Previous Total: 2305
SEASON TOTAL: 2630

ZACK
Desiree - 100p
Catherine - 25p
Ashlee - 25p
Lindsay - 25p
Fourth Place Finish - 100p
Elimination picks - 25p
Roster Bonus (3) - 200
Total: 500
Previous Total: 2985
SEASON TOTAL: 3485