Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Week 9 Scoring Recap

It's Fantasy Suite week at The Bachelor and we all know what that means! Oh, Sean is (sort of) a virgin and for the first time in the history of this show, someone has chosen at least a couple of girls who appear to have some morals? Huh. Welp...on with the show I guess.

We open in Thailand. a country where I like to think Ames is just wandering around, looking for Mrs. Ames and getting the crap knocked out of him in boxing matches. Ah, Ames. I miss you, little buddy. Seriously though, Thailand truly is one of the most beautiful places in the world. It's just too bad that it also happens to be home to some of the shadiest stuff on earth, as covered in this SNL bit. (If you don't know about Thailand's shady shenanigans, DO NOT use Google to find out. Just trust me here.) Anyway, we're here so Sean might as well make the most of it by stripping down to his skivvies and taking a dip in the hotel pool to ease his troubled, frustrated mind. How is he going to choose between these three women that he probably, kind of, maybe likes?!?!

LINDSAY'S DATE
Yet again, I feel it is imperative to say that I just can't see how this is going to work out for these two. They're clearly attracted to each other and they should be since Lindsay is stupid attractive and Sean is at a Kliff Kingsbury-level of dreamy (Wreck 'Em!!!) but that's all there is to it. I just don't believe she can win. But they do have fun together so good for them, I guess.


The first part of their date takes them to a local market and let me tell, this place has EVERYTHING: purses, t-shirts, a bowl full of crispy grasshoppers, LIVE PEEPS! If I was in charge of Thailand's tourism, I would try to battle all the bad press they've received over the years by pointing out that they have live peeps available at on any street corner. That's sure to bring in non-perverts. Of course, no date would be complete without your prospective husband forcing you to eat bugs. That always gets the ladies! But hey, when in Rome. (Also, I really wanted the person standing behind the table full of bugs to be Joe Rogan in disguise. I don't know why.) After some disgusting food choices (and I'm sure an even more disgusting make out session), the pair headed off to the beach where we discover that A.) monkeys just wander around on the beach in Thailand (not sure if that's a plus or a minus) and B.) Lindsay has a really dumb tattoo that I suppose she calls a hip tattoo but really, it's a butt tattoo. Good decisions, Lindsay!

The evening portion of the date took place in a tacky meadow lit up like a courtyard in Chinatown where the pair was entertained by a somewhat random dance number. At this point, I felt like the episode felt less like The Bachelor and more like The Amazing Race: Blind Date edition which TOTALLY NEEDS TO HAPPEN. OH MY GOODNESS I WOULD WATCH THE CRAP OUT OF THAT. Finally, after what seemed like days of hemming and hawing, Lindsay finally confessed to Sean that she loves him. Congratulations! You did it! World's best cup of saying I love you

ASHLEE'S DATE
First off, a note to our hero: If AshLee is "your best relationship" as you pointed out in the pre-date monologue, then that's probably your sign that she's the person you should pick. Just a thought. Second, by the point AshLee showed up, I was 100% convinced that she was going home. She's too intense. Everything she does is handled with so much purpose that you have to wonder if she's capable of having fun or letting loose a little. Lindsay and Catherine have shown the ability to have a good time but AshLee hasn't and the way she walked into her time with Sean (driven and with purpose, eyes always on the prize) told me she was going home. 


That said, the actual date was pretty cool. Sean and AshLee headed out on a boat where Sean informed AshLee that they were going to swim through a cave to get to their beach. AshLee, of course, freaked the freak out, which was, of course, the intended purpose of this date, but eventually relented when Sean took his shirt off. (As an aside, Sean isn't as ripped as he was earlier in the season. Don't get me wrong, I'd still kill to have his abs but he's definitely gained a few. Perhaps he ate too many grasshoppers.) The pair made their way through the cave and came out in their own private beach which was pretty cool I guess but for my money if it isn't a heart shaped lagoon then what's the point? As the date progressed, I became more and more convicted in my belief that AshLee was on her way out, simply because it seemed like Sean was doing everything he could to talk himself out of choosing her. Always a bad sign. Regardless, I can't wait to hear AshLee tell her parents exactly what she and Sean did in the Fantasy Suite in excruciating detail.

CATHERINE'S DATE
I think I've said it before but it needs to be said again: I am supremely bored by Sean's relationship with Catherine. For weeks, I've had a sneaking suspicion that she's going to end up the winner and yet at the same time I can't begin to tell you why because they have the strangest relationship I've ever seen on this show. There's this weird dynamic between them where they seem to have chemistry but are also extremely awkward around each other and they're tough to figure out. But maybe the key to this whole thing is that Catherine is pretty low maintenance and undramatic, which makes for horrible TV and much better actual relationships. Case in point: every week I jot down next to nothing about Catherine in my notes and yet every week she gets a rose with ease.


As such, very little about the Sean-Catherine date drew my attention beyond these three things:

1.) Catherine screaming, "I'm the queen of the world" is almost grounds for dismissal in and of itself. So Michael Scott.
2.) She is obsessed with her own weirdness. Stop talking about it. 
3.) She started talking about whether or not she was going to accept the invitation to the Fantasy Suite before Sean had even offered it to her. It would have been really funny if he would have just said, "Nah, I'm good, see you tomorrow!" after she went through that whole back and forth bit.n

And that's it. I imagine that over the course of the season I've spent fewer words on Catherine than I have any of the top 12 and yet she's on the verge of going home the winner. 

We now pause in our weekly Bachelor recap to bring you a sneak preview of The Great and Powerful Oz, which A.) has been advertised CONSTANTLY for the last 9 months and therefore does not require a sneak preview and B.) will be TERRIBLE. James Franco was the THIRD choice to play that role (Robert Downey, Jr. was originally signed on and then it fell to Jude Law), the PG rating means they're striving to hit all markets which is always a horrible sign, and it cost over $200 million to make. This has train wreck written all over it. Please don't see it. Trust me, I fake-review movies for a fake-living. 

ROSE CEREMONY
I don't think ABC knows what they have in Chris Harrison. He's the best host on TV and yet it seems like his role decreases with each passing season. Get this dude involved in every episode. Have him giving guidance to both the contestants and the bachelor/bachelorette. Cut to him making fun of the contestant behind the scenes. Show him in the shower for a change. No, wait, strike that last one. The point is, we need more Chris Harrison on this show. Make it so, ABC!

I love that Sean actually thought the video messages the girls recorded for him would actually make his choice easier. As if AshLee was going to suddenly stop being all serious and just half-heartedly say, "Like, I mean, if you want to choose me that's cool but if not, it's alright. I'll be fine either way. Oh, BTW, thanks for that mixtape. That was...nice." No, OF COURSE she's going to pour her heart out, dude! And of course, this seriously messed with Sean who clearly does not want to be the bad guy but maybe should have considered that before signing up to do this show. Unfortunately, Sean, this isn't The Bachelor: Utah Edition and as such, someone had to go home. I'm sad to see AshLee go. She seemed like a genuinely good person who overcame a lot to get to this point. I wish her the best but we're now on to The Women Tell All, which is, of course, the reason why we all watch this show in the first place.

POINT SCORERS
Lindsay - 25p (Kiss)
AshLee - 50p (Kiss, Cries)
Catherine - 50p (Kiss, Hot tub)

ANGELA
Elimination Picks - 50p
Total: 50
Previous Total: 2210
SEASON TOTAL: 2260

ASHLEY
Elimination points - 100p
Total: 100
Previous Total: 1410
SEASON TOTAL: 1510

BRIAN
Ashlee - 50p
Third Place Finish - 200p
Total: 250
Previous Total: 2400
SEASON TOTAL: 2650

CALENNA
Ashlee - 50p
Third Place Finish - 200p
Total: 250
Previous Total: 2045
SEASON TOTAL: 2295

EMILY
Ashlee - 50p
Third Place Finish - 200p
Total: 250
Previous Total: 2800
SEASON TOTAL: 3050

EMMELIE
Catherine - 50p
Total: 50
Previous Total: 2000
SEASON TOTAL: 2050

JENN
Ashlee - 50p
Elimination Pick - 100p
Third Place Finish - 200p
Total: 350
Previous Total: 2515
SEASON TOTAL: 2865

JOSH
Elimination pick - 100p
Total: 100
Previous Total: 2070
SEASON TOTAL: 2170

KAITI
Ashlee - 50p
Third Place Finish - 200p
Total: 250
Previous Total: 1785
SEASON TOTAL: 2035

KELBY
Elimination pick - 100p
Total: 100
Previous Total: 2385
SEASON TOTAL: 2485

KYLIE
Elimination pick - 100p
Total: 100
Previous Total: 1935
SEASON TOTAL: 2035

LINDSAY
Ashlee - 50p
Third Place Finish - 200p
Total: 250
Previous Total: 2780
SEASON TOTAL: 3030

LINDSEY
Ashlee - 50p
Catherine - 50p
Elimination pick - 50p
Third Place Finish - 200p
Total: 350
Previous Total: 3155
SEASON TOTAL: 3505

MALLORY
Lindsay - 25p
Ashlee - 50p
Catherine - 50p
Third Place Finish - 200p
Roster Bonus (2) - 200p
Elimination pick - 34p
Total: 559
Previous Total: 2865
SEASON TOTAL: 3424

MANDY
Ashlee - 50p
Elimination picks - 100p
Third Place Finish - 200p
Total: 350
Previous Total: 2475
SEASON TOTAL: 2825

MICHELLE
Ashlee - 50p
Catherine - 50p
Third Place Finish - 200p
Total: 300
Previous Total: 2660
SEASON TOTAL: 2960

MOLLY
Catherine - 50p
Elimination pick - 100p
Total: 150
Previous Total: 2235
SEASON TOTAL: 2385

TIFFANY
Ashlee - 50p
Elimination pick - 100p
Third Place Finish - 200p
Total: 350
Previous Total: 2880
SEASON TOTAL: 3230

TOBIN
Catherine - 50p
Elimination picks - 100p
Total: 150
Previous Total: 2630
SEASON TOTAL: 2780

ZACK
Catherine - 50p
Ashlee - 50p
Lindsay - 25p
Third Place Finish - 200p
Elimination picks - 33p
Roster Bonus (2) - 200
Total: 558
Previous Total: 3485
SEASON TOTAL: 4043

1 comment:

  1. I am putting in my official application for Amazing Race: Blind Date edition! Nothing could go wrong with that!

    ReplyDelete