Week 10 Scoring Recap

Yeah, so what if I didn't get around to writing my recap until over a week after the finale ended. I've got things to do, y'all. I've got a super busy job, an ultra pregnant wife, a nursery to organize, and Tiger Woods 13 on my PS3. Priorities, y'all! Seriously, though, sorry for the delay. I know you've all been waiting with bated breath, pining for one final series of inane ramblings and somewhat relevant links to hold you over until The Bachelorette picks up in 2 months. On with the show.

NOTE: Seeing as it is a solid week since I watched the show, my memory of the program isn't the best and therefore some of my notes don't make a lick of sense. So this could be brutal. Fair warning.

As we pan across the landscape of Thailand, I am again reminded of how beautiful this place rea--- wait, what in the world was going on with that lady?! Did she have a slinky around her neck? Rewind! Oh my gosh, she really does! Humans are weird.

Back to the program. Anytime one of these shows reaches the point where the lucky final contestants meet their would-be mate's parents I cannot help but think of Phoebe meeting Mike's parents on Friends. It's always such an awkward thing, even more awkward than real people in real life meeting their real boyfriend/girlfriend's parents and I always expect the worst. To be fair, nothing super uncomfortable has ever happened (at least that I can remember) but I always expect something horrible. Fingers crossed for next time.

CATHERINE'S MEETING
Right off the bat it appeared that Mama Lowe was not on board with this thing. She loves her son, she's going to be supportive, but clearly she would prefer her son not choose his potential mate while in the spotlight of America. Geez, what a stick in the mud. Catherine regaled the Lowe clan with stories of her middle school football career (somewhere Liz Lemon's dad was fuming(there should have been a great video clip here but the Internet failed me)) and I fell asleep because despite Catherine seeming like a genuinely nice person who might very well be normal, she bores me to tears. I was awakened by her laughing nervously, which is a noise akin to the most annoying sound in the world. Alright, it's not that bad, but it isn't good. Sean's family brought some REAL questions to the table (further indication that Sean is the most upstanding citizen who has ever taken on the title of The Bachelor) and then Sean's dad said probably the most incredibly kind thing a person with serious daddy issues like Catherine could ever hope to hear. What a boss.

LINDSAY'S MEETING
Somehow Lindsay's meeting with the Lowe family was even more boring that Catherine's. Every time Lindsay and Sean get together for a date, I only think two things:
1.) She is really hot;
2.) They seem to enjoy making out.
That's it. That's all I get from her or from the Lindsay-Sean relationship. She seems like a nice girl but man, there's just not much to latch on to beyond her looks. Her interaction with Sean's family was pretty ho-hum and it was only afterward, when Mama Lowe made it clear that she didn't think Sean should choose either of these girls, that this show got a little interesting. It seemed important to note at the time that Sean didn't seem to be all that concerned with his mom's opinion. If his dad or even his sister had told him not to choose either girl, I say there's a 50-50 shot he walks away from this whole thing. But his general tone with his mom suggested that he was more concerned with pacifying her rather than heeding her advice. This has been "Psychology of Reality TV" with your host, Brian Gill, who once took an advanced psychology class in college.

LINDSAY'S DATE
Ugh, this pastel tank top trend has got to stop. I can't take any male seriously who seems comfortable in that sort of thing. Knock it off. (Side note: Caleb Campbell, if you've been wearing pastel tank tops out there on the West Coast let this be a warning: I will mock you mercilessly if you come home in such a getup. I feel confident that Tobin will join me in this mockery. You've been warned.)

The pair began their date by floating down a river in what is essentially a third world country, which I would say is probably the most enjoyable way to contract debilitating diarrhea. I mean, at least it's beautiful scenery. (Note: I am terrified of most water sources that are not my shower so perhaps my apprehension about this date is a direct result of my water bias. But again, THIS IS A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY. Do you really want to be anywhere near the water in such a place?) As the date progressed, I became more and more aware of how immature Lindsay really is. It's not a knock against her, it's just that she's 24 and has no real direction in life. You don't want to marry that, braugh. Also she's wearing a bump it and that's another trend that needs to stop. (Apologies to any of you who enjoy the bump it. I just wanted to make Caleb feel better for bagging on the pink tank tops that I know he's been sporting lately.)

At some point the date turned into a session of seven minutes in heaven at which point Lindsay gave us what might be the best quote of the entire season when she said: "That's why we're always kissing. Because that's how he expresses emotion." HAHAHAHAHAHA! OH SWEET GOODNESS SHE ACTUALLY MEANT THAT WHEN SHE SAID IT!!! Note to all the single ladies: Um, if you allow virtually ANY straight male to ONLY express his emotions through physical methods, then that's EXACTLY what he's going to do...FOREVER. Oh sweet Lindsay, you have so much growing up to do.

NOTE: I wrote down the following sentence in my notes on Lindsay's date: "Now we're going to try to track down Rapunzel." I'm sure that was going to be a killer joke but I no longer remember what I was talking about. So...

CATHERINE'S DATE

So Catherine gets to ride around on an elephant while Lindsay was forced to dip herself in third world dysentery? If that's not an indication of who Sean likes the most then I don't know what is. Here's a collection of my thoughts throughout this date:

"She always looks the same. Always. Date to date, morning or night, Canada or Thailand, her look never changes."
"The difference in the conversations Sean has with Catherine and those he has with Lindsay is STAGGERING."
"Finally this girl shows some confidence!"
"Nope, now all the confidence is gone and she's reverted into an unsure mess."
"Yikes, now she's kind of losing it."
"And now she's turned into a popple. That's what you want."

That's all I got. I'm telling you, most unexciting Bachelor contestant ever.

CONCLUSION
My favorite part of the cuts to the live studio with Chris Harrison was when we allowed some random Bachelor fans to analyze the dates and break down who they thought Sean was going to pick. We just needed a telestrator to make this even more exciting! Also, why was Jackie there? Does anyone even remember anything Jackie did all season? What value did she add to this show?

As we neared the "most dramatic conclusion in Bachelor history" (see, Chris, I can do that too), it became readily apparent that this was going to be a BRUTAL shock to whichever one of these women got the boot. I think Catherine was somewhat prepared for things to go awry but Lindsay was 100% completely convinced that she was going to be the winner. And as Sean went into the "talk you up before I destroy you" bit that I know is part of the contract but really should be made illegal, you could see the poor girl's hopes getting bigger and bigger...and then BOOM. Oh man. In Sean's defense, there is no good way to do this in any circumstance, let alone such a strange situation as this one in. But still...come on, dude. Don't tell the girl how great she is and don't say there's nothing wrong with her and DEFINITELY don't say you love her like that. Rough. So rough. But Lindsay handled it well, controlled her emotions in front of Sean, and then let loose in the limo...wait, why is she getting in a bloody Land Rover? Do they not have limos in Thailand? What about tiny boats? I liked it when Ben had to get in a tiny boat to ride across the ocean while JP's helicopter came in for the landing. From now on, if we can't get a limo, the losing contestant MUST ride in away in a small fishing boat. This is now mandatory. Anyway, Lindsay handled it like a champ until she got into the limo Land Rover before breaking down into the "it's not fair" junk that reminded me that she was, in fact, still very young and Sean made the right choice.

After Lindsay made her exit, Chris showed up with that accursed letter that this show has been pumping up for like 7 months or something. Be honest: you thought it was going to be something bad. You thought it was going to be Catherine saying she couldn't go through with this or maybe it was a letter from Mama Lowe begging him not to propose or perhaps a ransom note demanding a small fortune for Catherine's return as this is, you know, a third world country and that sort of thing happens. Curse you, ABC. Curse you and your misleading previews! Instead it was probably the sweetest and more real moment in the history of this dumb show, Catherine stepped out onto the platform, Sean proposed, and Catherine almost passed out before accepting. Then the pair remounted their trusty elephant steed and rode off into a beautiful sunset, a great moment that lacked only one thing.

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
Very quickly, because it was a week ago and because it was the most nondescript episode of all time:

- Hey Lindsay, you're 24 and super hot. You're going to be fine. Probably a waste of time to worry about being alone at this point.
- Forcing the second place contestant to have a sit down with the man who scorned her is the worst thing ever. It's the only part of this show that I find truly horrifying (besides Tierra's eyebrow, obviously).
- Hey ABC, this "showing tweets on the screen thing" has got to stop. If I want to know what people on Twitter are saying about the show, I'll just look it up on Twitter.
- Sean and Catherine are going to do a nationally televised wedding?! After they found love in the most non-private manner on national television?! What are the odds?!
- Finally, Chris names the contestant who will rejoin us in May for The Bachelorette and after some serious concern that it might end up being Sarah, we get a bit of relief in the form of Desiree. I didn't love anyone from this season but if I'm going to be forced (because it's not like I have a choice, right?) to watch 10 more weeks of someone from that house, Desiree would probably be my first choice.

So with that, we bring our third season of The Bachelor Fantasy League to a close. Thank you all for participating! I hope you had a good time and we'll see you in a couple of months for Desiree's season!

POINT SCORERS

Lindsay - 50p (Kiss, Cries)

Catherine - 50p (Kiss, Cries)

ANGELA
Elimination Picks - 100p
Total: 100
Previous Total: 2260
SEASON TOTAL: 2360

ASHLEY
SEASON TOTAL: 1510

BRIAN
Elimination pick: 100p
Total: 100
Previous Total: 2650
SEASON TOTAL: 2750

CALENNA
Elimination pick: 100p
Total: 100
Previous Total: 2295
SEASON TOTAL: 2395

EMILY
SEASON TOTAL: 3050

EMMELIE
Catherine - 50p
Winner: 600p
Elimination pick: 50p
Total: 700
Previous Total: 2050
SEASON TOTAL: 2750

JENN
Elimination Pick - 100p
Total: 100
Previous Total: 2865
SEASON TOTAL: 2965

JOSH
SEASON TOTAL: 2170

KAITI
SEASON TOTAL: 2035

KELBY
Elimination pick - 100p
Total: 100
Previous Total: 2485
SEASON TOTAL: 2585

KYLIE
Elimination pick - 100p
Total: 100
Previous Total: 2035
SEASON TOTAL: 2135

LINDSAY
Elimination pick: 100p
Total: 100
Previous Total: 3030
SEASON TOTAL: 3130

LINDSEY
Catherine - 50p
Elimination pick - 100p
Winner - 600p
Total: 750
Previous Total: 3505
SEASON TOTAL: 4255

MALLORY
Lindsay - 50p
Catherine - 50p
Elimination pick - 50p
Second Place - 400p
Winner - 600p
Total: 1150
Previous Total: 3424
SEASON TOTAL: 4574

MANDY
Elimination pick: 100p
Total: 100
Previous Total: 2825
SEASON TOTAL: 2925

MICHELLE
Catherine - 50p
Winner - 600p
Elimination pick: 50p
Total: 700
Previous Total: 2960
SEASON TOTAL: 3660

MOLLY
Catherine - 50p
Elimination pick - 50p
Winner - 600p
Total: 700
Previous Total: 2385
SEASON TOTAL: 3085

TIFFANY
Elimination pick: 100p
Total: 100
Previous Total: 3230
SEASON TOTAL: 3330

TOBIN
Catherine - 50p
Elimination pick - 100p
Winner - 600p
Total: 750
Previous Total: 2780
SEASON TOTAL: 3530

ZACK
Catherine - 50p
Lindsay - 50p
Elimination picks - 50p
Second Place - 400p
Winner - 600p
Total: 1150
Previous Total: 4043
SEASON TOTAL: 5193