CHRIS' DATE
Gotta be honest, if I was in Germany, I would probably just wander the streets yelling, "DIRK! DIRK! DIRK!" until someone pointed me to his house. (Note: This is also what I do anytime I'm in the ritzier Dallas neighborhoods.) What can I say? I love the man.
Anyway, it's Chris' time to shine (I think he's the first one to get two one-on-one dates, right?) and
I'm sure no one will interr--- oh, gracious, Bryden's gotta be a beating one more time. I hate this guy. If the most interesting thing about you is that you were once in a car wreck, then why were you cast on this show in the first place? Please get him off my television, Chris Harrison. At the beginning of the date, though, it's clear that these two are MFEO. They're both pretty and they both sort-of have it together and they're both total dorks. Someday they'll probably make pretty, dorky babies together. (I'd have Chris in a neck-and-neck race with Brooks for the win right now.) They seem to be having a great time together in Munich, talking to clown midgets and frolicking to some polka music and--- oh, here comes Bryden and--- oh, here's a close up of a creepy gargoyle! Weird editing, guys. I like how Bryden just stands at the edge of Chris and Des' dancing circle and just stares at them. Because that's not creepy at all. I'm not going to waste anymore time on Bryden. You should have left last week, tool.
But once Bryden has made his exit, it's clear that Des is shaken because, as we all know, men have a hive mind so if one of them leaves, obviously the rest of them will follow suit except no, men aren't like that at all and in fact, the rest of them are all glad to see Bryden go because A.) there's one less guy to contend with and B.) they're probably just as tired of him changing his hair style as the rest of us are. Still, Chris takes Des' concern in stride and says the absolute perfect thing to her ("I am here for the long haul") and that turns everything around, giving him occasion to recite some more poetry. Then it gets weird.
I rewatched this twice and I'm 99% confident that, during his little aside to the camera time, Chris said, in relation to how much he enjoys his time with Des, that, "I don't have to worry about bedtime, I don't have to worry about brushing my teeth..." This immediately led to speculation within our viewing group that Chris Harrison is running The Bachelorette as some sort of tyrannical sleep away camp where he forces the participants to be in bed at a decent hour and go around checking everyone's toothbrush to make sure they're wet. The possibilities are endless but the best visual I could come up with is Chris Harrison throwing the door open and catching all of the guys throwing themselves into their beds, pretending to be asleep, and yelling, "The next person I hear talking is going on the 2-on-1 date." I love the idea of Camp Harrison and I'm sure this will be a running theme. And also Chris got the rose. Duh.
GROUP DATE
At this point I'd like to ask the question that everyone in the room was wondering so I assume the rest of you were as well. Did everyone lose their luggage on the way to Munich? They're all wearing matching hoodies, matching t-shirts, matching jackets, and matching sunglasses. Maybe that's just the Camp Harrison uniform while overseas. ("Behave and I'll let you wear a button up shirt to dinner. Otherwise you'll stick to that royal blue hoodie, Kasey. Don't think I didn't see you throw away your vegetables at lunch.") Apparently the one thing that is not included in the uniform is a scarf because not even Chris Harrison would pick out the scarf Drew is wearing. Wowzers.
We head to the top of a mountain where an old man is stationed to teach the guys how to yodel except I'm guessing it's not going to go well for Juan Pablo since he can't even say "yodel." With activities like yodeling that I know nothing about, I always wonder, "Is this guy a good yodeler?" I mean he's not the Ricola guy obviously but do his peers think he's a legend or is he a total scrub and the good yodelers were too busy to make an appearance? These are the things that go through my mind during group dates.
Now Kasey's talking again and I'm reminded that I wish for Kasey's sake that he was funny. Alas, he is not.
Five important things happened on the rest of the date:
1.) Everyone went sliding down the mountain on tiny sleds that looked like Bumbos. (Thanks for that joke, Lindsey.)
2.) Afterward they went to a hole in the side of the mountain that someone staged as a cool mountain cave lounge.
3.) Brooks got his make out on really fast because Des digs the hair and the weed he brings on every date.
4.) Drew completely nailed James with his whole player/confidence thing. Exactly right, Drew. His cockiness will come out eventually. You can't keep that kind of swag bottled up forever.
5.) Most importantly, ZAK WAS ALMOST A PRIEST!!! This is one of the biggest revelations in the history of the show. Zak, the guy who walked around naked in his intro, was almost a priest. This guy is rapidly becoming the most interesting man in the world.
Also Brooks got the rose because he's going to be in the final two and this makes James sad and gives Zak the Facial Expressions.
2-ON-1 DATE
This is unquestionably the most awkward 2-on-1 date ever. It's never a good situation but I think the most tense thing that's ever happened on one of these was when William the Cell Phone Salesman stabbed the other dude in the back in Ashley's season. That was nothing compared to the drama of this date.When Des shows up to get Ben and Michael G. the room is super tense. Everyone feels it. Except Kasey. Kasey seems to be enjoying Camp Harrison more than anyone. I think he's just excited to have friends.
The entire date was basically Michael G. attacking Ben, setting aside all pretense of even pretending to be anything other than the Miami douche bag he really is, while Ben tries to avoid the landmines and Des does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO STOP ANY OF IT. That, to me, is the biggest revelation of this date. We all knew Michael G. was a sorry sack of crap by this point. And hey, we probably all knew that Ben is at best putting on an act with Des and at worst a sleaze who hides behind his son and his faith. What we did not know, however, is that Des is completely spineless and would rather spend an entire evening watching one man attack another man's character than actually have an enjoyable date. She showed more spine with her overbearing brother than she did with Michael. Again, I get that Ben is a poser (and that DEFINITELY came out once he was eliminated; thanks for making us all look good, Ben) but I gotta be honest, in pretty much any setting, let alone in the presence of a girl I was trying to woo, if a dude went after me first over my parenting habits and second over my faith, we are coming to blows. I don't know how that dude sat there and took it. I would have set his stupid hair on fire. I lost any and all respect I might have had for Des over this. Clearly she had already made up her mind that she was sending Ben home and to allow him to be put through the ringer like that when she literally had ALL THE POWER was a heartless, spineless thing to do.
Anyway, Michael G. got the rose and hopefully he goes home to Florida next week and gets eaten by an alligator or gets into a knife fight with Dwyane Wade that sends them both to prison. Two birds with one stone.
At the end of the day, there is no cocktail party because Des decided on the very first day of this entire show that Mikey wasn't going to last long but she's always had a worse person to send home until now. Later Mikey. You were a horrible match for Des but at least you had a personality and were somewhat entertaining. Good luck on The Jersey Shore 2.0.
POINT SCORERS
Chris - 160 (1-on-1, Poem, Original Poem, Kiss, Responsible for Des Crying, Rose, Dance)
Bryden - 100 (Leaves Early)
Brooks - 95 (Group Date, Group Rose, Kiss)
Michael G - 75 (Survives 2-on-1, Confronts Another Contestant)
Ben - 75 (Mentions Son, Confronted)
Zak - 45 (Interrupts, Group Date, Rose)
James - 45 (Kiss, Group Date, Rose)
Drew - 20 (Group Date, Rose)
Juan Pablo - 20 (Group Date, Rose)
Kasey - 20 (Group Date, Rose)
Mikey - 10 (Group Date)
ANGELA
Brooks
Michael G
Juan Pablo
Ben
Brad
Elimination picks (Bryden/Mikey) - 150
Total: 415
Previous Total: 1640
SEASON TOTAL: 2055
BRIAN
Ben
Brooks
Zak W
Drew
Chris
Total: 395
Previous Total: 2045
SEASON TOTAL: 2440
CARLY
Nick M
Drew
Brooks
Ben
Zack
Elimination pick (Bryden) - 200
Total: 390
Previous Total: 1625
SEASON TOTAL: 2015
EMILY
Kasey
Michael G
Brooks
Zack K
Elimination pick (Bryden) - 200
Total: 390
Previous Total: 1120
SEASON TOTAL: 1510
EMMELIE
Drew
Nick M
Zack K
Chris
Brooks
Elimination pick (Mikey) - 200
Total: 475
Previous Total: 875
SEASON TOTAL: 1350
JENN G
Ben
Dan
Michael G
Brooks
Drew
Total: 265
Previous Total: 1480
SEASON TOTAL: 1745
JEN R
Brooks
Bryden
Zak
Juan Pablo
Michael G
Total: 335
Previous Total: 1355
SEASON TOTAL: 1690
JOSH
Brandon
Brooks
Juan Pablo
Michael G
Mikey T
Elimination pick (Bryden) - 200
Total: 400
Previous Total: 1055
SEASON TOTAL: 1455
KYLIE
Ben
Brooks
Chris
Drew
Zak
Total: 395
Previous Total: 2045
SEASON TOTAL: 2440
LAURA
Nick M
Zack
Brooks
Michael G
Drew
Elimination pick (Mikey) - 200
Total: 390
Previous Total: 1025
SEASON TOTAL: 1415
LINDSAY
Michael G
Ben
Juan Pablo
Brooks
Zak
Total: 310
Previous Total: 1745
SEASON TOTAL: 2055
LINDSEY
Brandon
Brooks
Chris
Drew
Michael G
Total: 350
Previous Total: 1555
SEASON TOTAL: 1905
MALLORY
Ben
Nick M
Brooks
Drew
Chris
Elimination pick (Ben) - 200
Total: 550
Previous Total: 1715
SEASON TOTAL: 2265
MANDY
Dan
Brad
Juan Pablo
Michael G
Brooks
Elimination pick (Bryden) - 200
Total: 370
Previous Total: 1025
SEASON TOTAL: 1395
MICHELLE
Ben
Brandon
Chris
Nick M
Drew
Total: 255
Previous Total: 1825
SEASON TOTAL: 2080
MOLLY
Brandon
Brooks
Chris
James
Drew
Elimination pick (Bryden) - 200
Total: 520
Previous Total: 1440
SEASON TOTAL: 1960
SHELBY
Bryden
Zak
Juan Pablo
Drew
Brooks
Elimination pick (Bryden) - 200
Total: 480
Previous Total: 1375
SEASON TOTAL: 1855
TIFFANY
Ben
Zack
Zak
Michael G
Juan Pablo
Elimination pick (Mikey) - 200
Total: 415
Previous Total: 1885
SEASON TOTAL: 2270
TOBIN
Ben
Dan
Juan Pablo
Brooks
Mikey
Elimination pick (Bryden) - 200
Total: 400
Previous Total: 1745
SEASON TOTAL: 2145
ZACK
Ben
Michael G
Brooks
Chris
Zak
Elimination pick (Bryden) - 200
Total: 650
Previous Total: 2145
SEASON TOTAL: 2795
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