DREW'S DATE
Stinking finally Drew gets a 1-on-1 date. This dude is totally the Catherine of this season. Des has always seemed a bit smitten with him but never bothers to hang out with him alone. And since this is the first time they've ever spent more than 10 minutes together, clearly this is the right time for Drew to tell Des that his father used to be an alcoholic and is now possibly dying of cancer, something he has NEVER TOLD ANYONE ELSE EVER. Do you not have any friends, Drew? Family? A dog? Anyone? Yikes. But this tactic seems to work since Des spent the rest of the date making out with him until...
Drew: "Hey, now that I've got the rose and I know I'm safe...I have some bad news."
Des: (Foolishly) "I would love to hear this bad news!"
Drew: "James is probably the Antichrist and actually just wants to use you for his own fame."
*Date ends on a downer*
Way to go, Drew.
MISTRESSES COMMERCIAL
Just a brief break for me to tell you that if you're watching Mistresses then I am not-so-secretly judging you. I realize that may come off as hollow given that I am spending my free time writing a detailed recap of a show like The Bachelorette but it needed to be said nonetheless.
GROUP DATE
I like how the guys, having never seen another reality show ever, saw that they would be playing a team of girls and thought, "Yeah, we got this." As if there was any chance those girls weren't going to turn out to be professionals. But at least we got to hear Brooks declare, "Listen girl scouts! We're about to bake some cookies." That dude is a total dork. But hey, at least he's trying, unlike James who had the misfortune of being forced to wear the cleats filled with cement. What's that? He wasn't wearing shoes filled with cement? That's actually the quickest he can react and move? Was he secretly in that car accident with Bryden? I would have fought him over his lack of effort. And judging by his reaction speed, I would have won. Bob and weave, yo.
After getting trounced by girls, the group retired to a villa of sorts where Des takes turns taking each guy up to her room like a really slutty 9th grade girl. Meanwhile in the living room, we got a truly entertaining confrontation with everyone besides Brooks ganging up on James. And by everyone, I mean Kasey and Michael G. while Chris sat awkwardly at the edge of the couch with a look on his face that said, "I've made a huge mistake." I loved this confrontation because A.) Kasey might be Rainman given his ability to remember, verbatim, every single word that James and Mikey spoke, B.) because James is so incredibly guilty that he immediately starts yelling and saying things that literally make absolutely no sense whatsoever, and C.) because between James and Michael G., at one point the phrase "one on one date" was uttered at least 300 times. It was awesome. Also, none of them made eye contact with each other for more than one second at a time and at the end of it all, Chris got the same "(expletive) you!" that everyone else got even though he didn't say a word the entire time.
After all this, Desiree is DEFINITELY sending James packing on the spot, right? Right?! Wrong. So wrong. Because Des, whom I like, is gullible and maybe a little dumb, at least when it comes to this sort of thing. James said just enough of the right things to keep himself alive knowing that if he just left Des with enough doubt, he'd at least keep himself around till the rose ceremony. Bravo, James. Even though I don't care for James, the look on all the guy's faces when he walked back into the apartment was awesome.
ZAK'S DATE
Of all the many surprises that have come our way during this season, without question the biggest one so far for me is the fact that I actually really like Zak. He may be a clown but he's a truly decent human being, he has a personality, and he knows how to have fun. It's just too bad he's an Aggie and therefore has no soul. I kid, I kid. Anyway, I like this guy, ridiculous skin color-to-tooth color contrast aside. He also happens to be the perfect person for this kind of date. That bit where he messed up the painting and he and Des cracked up is possibly the most legitimately real moment we'll see on this show. That was great. Also, there was the naked man on this date. I'll just leave it at that. In the end, Des and Zak found themselves making out up against a wall, possibly the same wall she and Drew shared earlier in the episode, and clearly I need to add "Making out against a wall" to the point system next year.
JAMES CONFRONTATION NUMBER 2 and ROSE CEREMONY
Here's the thing with James. There are a number of people in this world, mostly guys, who try hard to be good guys. And maybe, through sheer force of will and practice, they are able to be good guys as long as things are relatively under control. But deep down, they have this tendency to be douche bags and no matter how hard they try, during stressful situations, that person comes out. We all know one of these guys. Tim Riggins would have been this guy except that he lived in Dillon, Texas and there was only room for one douche bag in Dillon, Texas and that was JD McCoy, may he rot in hell. Ugh, JD McCoy. I wish coach Taylor would have let his dad beat the crap out of him outside of Applebees when he had the chance. Get owned, JD McCoy. Lions for life. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about then you need to stop watching The Bachelorette and start watching Friday Night Lights instead. Seriously. Like right now. It's a long weekend. You can known out two or three seasons if you try hard enough.) Anyway, that's who James is. Try as he might to be a good guy, and I do believe he was trying, this entire concept is a stressful situation and sooner or later that carefully manicured facade is bound to come down. He's a great salesman, made even more obvious by the fact that his "pitch" for why he should stay around to Des was completely different than the one he tried to sell the guys on, but eventually this was going to unravel.
That said, I'm a little surprised that he didn't make it through at least one more rose ceremony. Obviously Kasey was a goner as he's the classic example of the "lesser evil" theory that applies to this show, meaning that there was always someone worse to send home but he never stood a chance of getting much farther. Juan Pablo's farewell was, I think, the result of having to cut 3 guys instead of just two but let's be honest, the only reason he got this far is his accent. There was never anything there with Des. But when it came down to James and Michael G...I was starting to convince myself that Des had talked herself into keeping James' pecks around for one more week, more because there is not a single redeeming quality to Michael G. Alas, the inconsistencies were too much for James to overcome and he was sent home to party with Mikey and "tall good looking girls with lots of money." Have fun, James!
POINT SCORERS
Drew - 115 (1-on-1, Kiss, Cries, Rose, Confronts)
Juan Pablo - 60 (Mentions Daughter, Group Date, Cries)
Chris - 70 (Kiss, Confronts, Group Date, Rose)
Kasey - 35 (Confronts, Group)
James - 115 (Confronted, Des Cries, Cries, Group)
Brooks - 45 (Kiss, Group, Rose)
Michael G - 45 (Confronts, Group, Rose)
Zak - 65 (1-on-1, Kiss, Rose)
ANGELA
Brooks
Michael G
Juan
Pablo
Roster Bonus (2) - 75
Total: 225
Previous
Total: 2055
SEASON
TOTAL: 2280
BRIAN
Brooks
Zak W
Drew
Chris
Elimination
pick (James) - 200
Roster Bonus (4) - 125
Total: 620
Previous
Total: 2440
SEASON
TOTAL: 3060
CARLY
Drew
Brooks
Roster Bonus (2) - 75
Total: 235
Previous
Total: 2015
SEASON
TOTAL: 2250
EMILY
Kasey
Michael G
Brooks
Elimination
pick (James) - 200
Roster Bonus (2) - 75
Total: 400
Previous
Total: 1510
SEASON
TOTAL: 1910
EMMELIE
Drew
Chris
Brooks
Roster Bonus (3) - 100
Total: 330
Previous
Total: 1350
SEASON
TOTAL: 1680
JENN
G
Michael G
Brooks
Drew
Elimination pick (James) - 200
Roster Bonus (3) - 100
Total: 505
Previous
Total: 1745
SEASON
TOTAL: 2250
JEN
R
Brooks
Zak
Juan
Pablo
Michael G
Elimination
pick (James/Kasey) - 150
Roster Bonus (3) - 100
Total: 465
Previous
Total: 1690
SEASON
TOTAL: 2155
JOSH
Brooks
Juan
Pablo
Michael G
Elimination
pick (James/Kasey) - 150
Roster Bonus (2) - 75
Total: 375
Previous
Total: 1415
SEASON
TOTAL: 1790
KYLIE
Brooks
Chris
Drew
Zak
Elimination
pick (James) - 200
Roster Bonus (4) - 125
Total: 620
Previous
Total: 2440
SEASON
TOTAL: 3060
LAURA
Brooks
Michael G
Drew
Elimination
pick (James) - 200
Roster Bonus (3) - 100
Total: 505
Previous
Total: 1415
SEASON
TOTAL: 1920
LINDSAY
Michael G
Juan
Pablo
Brooks
Zak
Elimination pick (James) - 200
Roster Bonus (3) - 100
Total: 515
Previous
Total: 2055
SEASON
TOTAL: 2570
LINDSEY
Brooks
Chris
Drew
Michael G
Elimination
pick (Kasey) - 200
Roster Bonus (4) - 125
Total: 600
Previous
Total: 1905
SEASON
TOTAL: 2505
MALLORY
Brooks
Drew
Chris
Elimination
pick (James) - 200
Roster Bonus (3) - 100
Total: 530
Previous
Total: 1905
SEASON
TOTAL: 2435
MANDY
Juan
Pablo
Michael G
Brooks
Elimination
pick (Kasey) - 75
Roster Bonus (2) - 75
Total: 300
Previous
Total: 1395
SEASON
TOTAL: 1695
MICHELLE
Chris
Drew
Elimination
pick (James) - 200
Roster Bonus (2) - 75
Total: 460
Previous
Total: 2080
SEASON
TOTAL: 2540
MOLLY
Brooks
Chris
James
Drew
Elimination
pick (Kasey) - 200
Roster Bonus (3) - 100
Total: 645
Previous
Total: 1960
SEASON
TOTAL: 2605
SHELBY
Zak
Juan
Pablo
Drew
Brooks
Elimination
pick (Kasey) - 200
Roster Bonus (3) - 100
Total: 585
Previous
Total: 1855
SEASON
TOTAL: 2440
TIFFANY
Zak
Michael G
Juan
Pablo
Elimination
pick (James) - 200
Roster Bonus (2) - 75
Total: 345
Previous
Total: 2270
SEASON
TOTAL: 2615
TOBIN
Juan
Pablo
Brooks
Total: 105
Previous
Total: 2145
SEASON
TOTAL: 2250
ZACK
Michael G
Brooks
Chris
Zak
Elimination
pick (James) - 200
Roster Bonus (4) - 125
Total: 550
Previous
Total: 2795
SEASON
TOTAL: 3345
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