CHRIS HARRISON and ROSE CEREMONY
- I like that we open on Des crying, alone, at the end of a dock. Because that's what a show that's supposedly all about love should start with.
- Probably the most awkward Chris Harrison interview ever, wouldn't you say? I thought for a while that we were just going to get two hours of Des sniffling and then cut to After the Final Rose.
- Des: "My heart is broken but my spirit isn't." Ummm...it might be broken, kiddo.
- Des: "I had hopes and now I don't." Keep in mind that, should she end up coming out of this whole thing with a fiance, that person will be seeing this. Dumb Dumb.
- Chris looks kind of pissed at the Rose Ceremony but I can't tell if he's angry FOR Des or angry AT Des.
- For just a minute, ABC made it seem like both Chris and Drew were going to reject Des' offer of a potential consolation prize but then we all realized that it would be a pretty boring two hours if everything ended now. Cue the hopeful music and cut to the live studio audience expressing faux relief. I hate the studio audience. Unless they want me to be in the studio audience, then I'm all about the studio audience.
DREW'S "DATE"
- Another shot of Des getting dressed with seriously questionably closeups. We've now made up for two of the Sean shower scenes. Only 347 to go!
- Someone in the room/Twitter said, "If you're wearing THAT outfit to a date, clearly you no longer care" and I second this. That ensemble looked like something out of the Ashley H. Collection.
- I like that Des is forcing Drew to go on a horse back ride before breaking his little heart. Because when you're getting dumped, it's best to get dumped after riding out to a distant location so that you have a longer distance to cover during your walk of shame. And also you smell like a horse. (Hash tag: Not a fan of horses.)
- Once the horse ride is over, Des gets right down to the business of breaking Drew's heart which is great and all, but honestly, if you got to it that fast, you knew you weren't digging him at the rose ceremony. Just cancel the ceremony and quietly dismiss Drew without letting Chris know. There's no point otherwise.
- The real dagger of this conversation: Drew's statement that, "I would want you to be as in love with me as I am with you." OUCH. Take note of this comment, Chris.
- And it wouldn't be a conversation about Drew without once again pointing out that I bypassed approximately 108,000 comments/jokes that could have been made regarding his sexuality. I'm just not convinced, bro.
CHRIS' DATE
- I like that the rules for Des on this date were, "No horses, no shirts, no problems." Just based on outfit alone, you could tell she was digging Chris over Drew.
- Wait, is Des pigeon toed? Has she been pigeon toed this entire time and I'm just now noticing? What is the world coming to?! This is my bread and butter! This is what I do! I point out the flaws in other people so that I can feel better about myself! How did I miss this? Excuse me y'all, I need to go think about my place in this world.
- Okay, I'm back. I'm not completely sure that she's pigeon toed but something weird is going on with her walk.
- So I'm not alone in thinking Chris' unending loyalty to a girl who just told him she was really into someone else is kind of pathetic, right? How about, "really pathetic"? You've known her for two weeks, bro, you don't have to stick around through this.
- Gah, these two are made for each other just based on how dorky they are. There is definitely a renaissance festival in the future for these two.
- One of my favorite things about these "intimate" dates is the number of other humans who have to be part of the crew that tags along. Case in point: While on the boat, the camera pans away from our loving couple and you distinctly see, like, 47 people crouching down at the back of the boat trying to stay out of the shot. So romantic.
- As the date winds down and things start to get sappy, it seemed like the perfect time for some original poetry and lo and behold, Chris brings out a gift that I'm sure will be a po--- a journal?! What the crap, Chris?! She already has a journal from Zak! We depend on you for original poetry, Chris! GIVE ME SOME NEW POEMS!!! Oh, okay, so the whole journal is a collection of his original work written to Des. Sort of an anthology, on par with the best works of Shelley, Frost, and Jewel. You never fail to deliver, Chris.
- And at the end of the date, Des gives us a truly revelatory statement regarding her own psyche: "I don't know what being loved feels like." Yup.
MEET THE FAMILY
- Before we get to see Chris meet Des' family, we've got to cut to our life studio audience where Chris will now interview Lindsay, Lesley, and...Jackie?! What the crap is Jackie doing here?! Why does The Bachelor think ANYONE cares about Jackie? Jackie doesn't even care about Jackie. I don't get it.
- Lesley still has dead eyes. She's beautiful. But something horrible happened to her as a child, I'm convinced. Maybe it was just realizing at an early age that she lives in Arkansas.
- Back to the meeting and it's going pretty well because Nate hasn't talked yet but you know it's coming and--- oh, there it is! Strange, intense, and personally awkward questions from the brother! You knew you could count on him!
- I can't wait for the Chris Harrison autobiography to drop in 10 years in which he reveals that Nate is actually no relation to Des.
- Chris, for his part, handles this madness with extreme grace and answers all the questions well. Good for him. In his shoes, I would have added the Nate junk in with the fact that, you know, Des is really into someone else and just walked off. But to each his own.
- Best Nate question: "If Des chose Drew, would that absolutely crush your heart?" Quite tactful, Nate.
- Hey, Des, I know little sisters are supposed to talk to their big brothers before making big decisions, but did you know that not all big brothers are super wise? Maybe have a look at his horrendous collection of tattoos and then take everything he says with a grain of salt.
- Somehow, though, Nate didn't ruin things for Des this time and everything is going pretty well so I guess that means you should probably get married after 10 weeks, right?
THE PROPOSAL
- Hey, ABC, stop showing Rebel Wilson all the dang time. Don't get me wrong, I liked Bridesmaids and Fat Amy was fun and all. But I don't need to see her bursting out of her clothes during every single commercial break. Knock it off.
- I don't know why Neil Lane's appearance every season excites me as much as it does but nevertheless, I love that guy.
- I've probably made this joke before but I like to think that when Mr. Lane is showing off the rings, he names the various diamond cuts after former Bachelor(ette) competitors. "Chris, this the Mesnick cut and, having watched the last 9 weeks unfold, I think this is probably the most fitting ring for you."
- Chris: "I believe I can make Des happier than anyone else." (Except Brooks or probably Sean.)
- A point from the room: "Des loves him because he loves her." Bingo.
- Wait, Des, did you just say you don't know what you're going to do? Probably not a great idea to wait until the actual proposal to decide. Poor form.
- I was getting nervous as Chris started to go into his proposal but then everything seemed to settle down and th-- HOLY CRAP SHE'S GOING TO SAY NO! This is a train wreck! This makes my TV Heart hurt! WHY WOULD YOU LET HIM GET THAT FAR INTO THE WHOLE THING IF YOU WERE GOING TO SAY NO?! I cannot bel--- oh, now the music is playing up and the tone is changing and she's going to say yes. Woah. That was a roller coaster of emotions, there.
- Finally Des lets Chris finish his proposal and OF COURSE she answered with, "Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!" That's the perfect cap on their entire cheesy romance. I should've found a bookie and put money on her responding like that. It was a virtual lock. UGH.
- Seriously, though, these two are good together so I hope things work out for them. My only disappointment was that Chris didn't turn his proposal into a poem. Opportunity missed.
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
- Be honest, now: You all think Brooks is coming back to steal Des away, right? That has to be in the back of everyone's mind.
- Alas, Brooks is only here to provide a little closure for both parties and get some pub for his Mumford and Sons cover band, The Little Lion Men. Seriously, that guy is the poster child for hipsters. (Also, if you haven't seen the new Mumford and Sons video, you need to do so now. Jason Bateman for the win.)
- Why didn't he watch the finale? He was in the same room that it was being shown. Did he just plug his ears and hum really loudly? Was he locked in a glass case of emotion? What was the point of him not watching the show?
- Chris Harrison takes a shot at Brooks leaving the way he did and that's why I love Chris Harrison. Ryan Seacrest would never dig the knife in on one of his contestants but CH is all about it.
- My guess is that ring of hers is worth 12 times her car.
- Top 10 TV moment of the year: Des and Drew, who mind you were seriously entertaining the idea of getting engaged the last time they saw each other, greet one another with, and I'm not exaggerating here, "How you doin'?" like Tony Soprano sitting down to coffee with one of his business associates. So intimate.
- Drew just ended a thought with, "And that's when I knew we were headed down the street to Break Up Town." You can't make these things up.
- Drew is stinking furious. He's trying to hold it in, obviously, but you get the impression that when Drew is broken up with in real life and not in front of a national audience, he goes bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
- Finally our star-crossed lovers are united for the first time on camera and we all couldn't be happier for them! Des is moving to Seattle and Chris has already made plans to attend a chain of open mike nights where he can recite his poetry and thereby appease Des' need for absolute cheesiness. He even brought her another new poem, framed and surrounded by petals from all of the roses Des gave him throughout the season. It's fantastic! Except also it looks like the entire thing was written in blood. Probably not the best omen but best of luck, you crazy kids!
POINT SCORERS
Chris - 145 (Rose, Kiss, 1-on-1, Gift, Des Cry, Cry)
Drew - 105 (Rose, Des Cry, Cry, 1-on-1)
ANGELA
Elimination
pick (Drew) - 200
Total: 200
Previous
Total: 3205
SEASON
TOTAL: 3405
BRIAN
Drew
Chris
Elimination
pick (Drew) – 200
Winner:
600
Second
Place: 400
Total:
1450
Previous
Total: 5320
SEASON
TOTAL: 6770
CARLY
Drew
Elimination
pick (Drew) – 200
Second
Place: 400
Total: 705
Previous
Total: 3575
SEASON
TOTAL: 4280
EMILY
Elimination
pick (Drew) – 200
Total:
200
Previous
Total: 3085
SEASON
TOTAL: 3285
EMMELIE
Drew
Chris
Elimination
pick (Drew) – 200
Winner:
600
Second
Place: 400
Total: 1450
Previous
Total: 3585
SEASON
TOTAL: 5035
JENN
G
Drew
Elimination
pick (Drew) – 200
Second
Place: 400
Total: 705
Previous
Total: 3860
SEASON
TOTAL: 4565
JEN
R
Elimination
pick (Drew) – 200
Total: 200
Previous
Total: 3550
SEASON
TOTAL: 3750
JOSH
Elimination
pick (Drew) – 200
Total: 200
Previous
Total: 2565
SEASON
TOTAL: 2765
KYLIE
Chris
Drew
Elimination
pick (Drew) – 200
Winner:
600
Second
Place: 400
Total: 1450
Previous
Total: 5320
SEASON
TOTAL: 6770
LAURA
Drew
Elimination
pick (Drew) – 200
Second
Place: 400
Total: 705
Previous
Total: 3320
SEASON
TOTAL: 4025
LINDSAY
Elimination
pick (Drew) - 200
Total: 200
Previous
Total: 3765
SEASON
TOTAL: 3965
LINDSEY
Chris
Drew
Elimination
pick (Drew) – 200
Winner:
600
Second
Place: 400
Total: 1450
Previous
Total: 4285
SEASON
TOTAL: 5735
MALLORY
Drew
Chris
Elimination
pick (Drew) – 200
Winner:
600
Second
Place: 400
Total: 1450
Previous
Total: 4215
SEASON
TOTAL: 5665
MANDY
Elimination
pick (Drew) – 200
Total: 200
Previous
Total: 2470
SEASON
TOTAL: 2670
MICHELLE
Chris
Drew
Elimination
pick (Drew) – 200
Winner:
600
Second
Place: 400
Total: 1450
Previous
Total: 3860
SEASON
TOTAL: 5310
MOLLY
Chris
Drew
Elimination
pick (Drew) – 200
Winner:
600
Second
Place: 400
Total: 1405
Previous
Total: 4460
SEASON
TOTAL: 5865
SHELBY
Drew
Elimination
pick (Drew) – 200
Second
Place: 400
Total: 705
Previous
Total: 4120
SEASON
TOTAL: 4825
TIFFANY
Elimination
pick (Drew) - 200
Total: 200
Previous
Total: 3110
SEASON
TOTAL: 3310
TOBIN
Total: 0
Previous
Total: 2750
SEASON
TOTAL: 2750
ZACK
Chris
Elimination
pick (Drew) – 200
Winner:
600
Total: 945
Previous
Total: 5320
SEASON TOTAL: 6265
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