DREW'S DATE
I'm pretty much saying the same three things about Drew every week:
1.) He bores me;
2.) I feel like he's trying too hard;
3.) I'm not sure he likes girls, which is probably why he's trying too hard.
But to Des, Drew is "amazing, passionate, and expressive." Is he? Is he really? Am I just missing something? I know he's got the model looks and everything but isn't that about it? I just feel like he should be performing with Vampire Weekend, not possibly marrying Des.
Anyway, Des and Drew did a lot of kissing which is pretty much what they do best and then it gets down to the fantasy suite. Of course, both of them are all over that because again, all they do is make out and I like to think that, as the door to the Fantasy Suite was slowing closing, somewhere Jonathan was sitting, alone, drinking Boone's Farm straight from the bottle and weeping furiously while screaming, "FANTASY SUIIIITTTTEEEE!!!" Pray for Jonathan, guys. He looked pretty shaken up at The Men Tell All.
BROOKS AND HIS FAMILY
So, this is probably the worst start to someone's time in the top three ever, right? Usually by this point we've weeded out the "Just not that into her" guy and if you're not feeling it by then, well...that's pretty much the sign that this isn't going to happen. Good for Brooks, then, to head to mom's house to discuss things and get some guidance. Smart decisions aren't usually a big part of The Bachelorette so I'm not really sure how to write about that. At least he helped me out a bit by somewhat explicitly telling his mom that he really loves kissing Des. Creepy, bro. Write that stuff on your Zanga next time.
CHRIS' DATE
We've had a decisive lack of helicopter rides this season so I was glad to see Des treat Chris to one as we near the finish line. And then they're off to their own private island which, in my opinion, will be pretty much worthless if it doesn't include a heart-shaped lagoon. (I know I've made this joke before but it's probably my favorite Bachelor-related moment ever.) Also, once again I must point out that if Des doesn't choose Chris, she's an idiot. So she probably won't.
I like that Des referred to Chris' family as "quirky." I would say having a father who insists on performing a very awkward spinal adjustment upon meeting his son's girlfriend for the first time takes it a step beyond "quirky."
Their date went splendidly as expected, complete with some making out in the waves (a great way to get sand in places you don't want sand) and a discussion about whether or not Des would take her business up to Seattle (judging by the 1997 Honda Accord she was driving on the first episode, I'm guessing she's cool with that). Then it was time for the Fantasy Suite card. I always love it when the recipient of the Fantasy Suite card plays it off like the only reason he/she would even consider accepting such an invitation is so the two can spend some "quality" time together TALKING. Or in Chris' case, "sitting outside and looking at the stars." Oh Chris, you're just a hopeless romantic, aren't you?
Before the camera escaped, we got one more dose of Chris' poetry and it was definitely his worst one yet. I'm not saying poetry has to rhyme but there's supposed to be at least some sort of melodic flow to the thing. This was basically a reading of a note he wrote her. You're better than that, Chris.
BROOKS' DATE
Oh boy. In all my years of Bachelor(ette) viewing, I cannot remember a more painful moment. (I guess calling a full hour of tension a "moment" is disingenuous but roll with it.) The year that British guy chose Lorenzo Lamas' kid, there was a girl who literally threw herself at him in the Fantasy Suite and that was awkward. Ed's mishap in Jillian's season was pretty rough. Erika Rose kind of raping Blake during Bachelor Pad last season would've been horrific had Blake not brought it upon himself. And who could forget that guy Chris BREAKING when Ashley said she didn't want to meet his family. None of those top Brooks' break up here, if for no other reason than it just continued to go on and on and on.
Of course, the producers did us no favors by setting the whole thing up with Des admitting that she'd been after Brooks all along and that she had deeper feelings for Brooks than the other two. That's going to go over well with whoever she ends up with! Meanwhile we got Brooks seeking the counsel of Chris who, after letting him dangle for a bit, finally gave the guy an out and just voiced what Brooks was hinting around about: "Dude, you're not feeling it."
To Brooks' unending credit:
1.) This was the right call;
2.) He got right down to business. No foolishness, no pretending things are good for a while before easing into it. He walked up, he hugged her, he walked her quickly to a safe place, and then jumped right into it.
The whole thing felt like an actual, real life breakup. The crying, the confusion, the mix of "fine, then just go" and "but if you feel like you might change your mind..." It was BRUTAL. I have no jokes. I genuinely feel bad for Des, not only because she just went through a miserable breakup on national television but also because if she did end up choosing Chris or Drew, they've not witnessed exactly how into Brooks she was and there's no way they're sticking around through that. Remember how much Emily hated watching Brad with the other girls? And he even admitted that he was totally into Emily from the very beginning. AND! He's BRAD FREAKING WOMACK. This will not end well for Des. But at least the producers were kind enough to give us some extra footage in the credits of Des walking back to her hotel, continuing to cry. Always end on a high!
POINT SCORERS
Drew - 50 (1-on-1, Kiss)
Chris - 150 (1-on-1, Kiss, Helicopter, Original Poem, Hot tub)
Brooks - 205 (Leaves early, Des cries, Cries on "date", Cries in interview, Advised by Chris Harrison)
ANGELA
Brooks
3rd Place Finish - 200
Total: 405
Previous
Total: 2850
SEASON
TOTAL: 3255
BRIAN
Brooks
Drew
Chris
3rd Place Finish - 200
Roster Bonus (2) - 200
Total: 805
Previous
Total: 4515
SEASON
TOTAL: 5320
CARLY
Drew
Brooks
3rd Place Finish - 200
Total: 455
Previous
Total: 3120
SEASON
TOTAL: 3575
EMILY
Brooks
3rd Place Finish - 200
Elimination
pick - 200
Total: 605
Previous
Total: 2480
SEASON
TOTAL: 3085
EMMELIE
Drew
Chris
Brooks
3rd Place Finish - 200
Roster Bonus (2) - 200
Total: 805
Previous
Total: 2780
SEASON
TOTAL: 3585
JENN
G
Brooks
Drew
3rd Place Finish - 200
Elimination Pick (Brooks) - 200
Total: 655
Previous
Total: 3205
SEASON
TOTAL: 3860
JEN
R
Brooks
3rd Place Finish - 200
Total: 405
Previous
Total: 3145
SEASON
TOTAL: 3550
JOSH
Brooks
3rd Place Finish - 200
Total: 405
Previous
Total: 2160
SEASON
TOTAL: 2565
KYLIE
Brooks
Chris
Drew
3rd Place Finish - 200
Roster Bonus (2) - 200
Total: 805
Previous
Total: 4515
SEASON
TOTAL: 5320
LAURA
Brooks
Drew
3rd Place Finish - 200
Total: 455
Previous
Total: 2865
SEASON
TOTAL: 3320
LINDSAY
Brooks
3rd Place Finish - 200
Total: 405
Previous
Total: 3360
SEASON
TOTAL: 3765
LINDSEY
Brooks
Chris
Drew
3rd Place Finish - 200
Roster Bonus (2) - 200
Total: 805
Previous
Total: 3480
SEASON
TOTAL: 4285
MALLORY
Brooks
Drew
Chris
3rd Place Finish - 200
Roster Bonus (2)
Total: 805
Previous
Total: 3410
SEASON
TOTAL: 4215
MANDY
Brooks
3rd Place Finish - 200
Total: 405
Previous
Total: 2065
SEASON
TOTAL: 2470
MICHELLE
Chris
Drew
Roster Bonus (2) - 200
Total: 400
Previous
Total: 3460
SEASON
TOTAL: 3860
MOLLY
Brooks
Chris
Drew
3rd Place Finish - 200
Roster Bonus (2) - 200
Total: 805
Previous
Total: 3655
SEASON
TOTAL: 4460
SHELBY
Drew
Brooks
3rd Place Finish - 200
Total: 455
Previous
Total: 3665
SEASON
TOTAL: 4120
TIFFANY
Total: 0
Previous
Total: 3110
SEASON
TOTAL: 3110
TOBIN
Brooks
3rd Place Finish - 200
Total: 405
Previous
Total: 2345
SEASON
TOTAL: 2750
ZACK
Brooks
Chris
3rd Place Finish - 200
Roster Bonus (2) - 200
Total: 755
Previous
Total: 4565
SEASON
TOTAL: 5320
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