Season Finale Recap

You guys, I just can't do it. I sat down with the intention of live blogging this finale since I haven't done it much all year. And I'm 20 minutes in and I want to kill myself. I can't do it. This is the worst season of this show ever. Maybe any show. I would rather do a fantasy league for Two and a Half Men than another run with Juan Pablo. It's making me question most of the decisions I've made in my life. Basically what we learned this season is:

1.) Juan Pablo is a douchey, Miami party guy who is used to getting his way because he's attractive and can pass off any offense as being due to the language barrier.
2.) Juan Pablo's own family thinks he's a douche.
3.) Chris Harrison HATES him. (Click the link to listen to the Chris Harrison interview on The Juliet Show from Grantland. It's tremendous and his disdain for JP comes out STRONG.)
4.) If given the opportunity, Sean Lowe would fight him.
5.) Nikki is either a complete moron for sticking with him through this insanity or she's been abused. There's no middle ground here.

All told, this was an absolute disaster of a season that I would've stopped watching weeks ago if not for this league. Awful. Just awful. I'm going to have to take my points system and find ways to apply it to other reality shows, such as The Amazing Race, Chopped, or Love It or List It. Sorry this season has been such a bummer, guys. All of the blame falls on ABC. Heads should roll.

POINT SCORERS
Clare - 565 (Kiss, Camilla, Helicopter, Cries Interview, Cries Date, Dead Dad, Consoled by CH, Second Place)
Nikki - 675 (Kiss, Rose, Camilla, Cry, First Place)

ABBE
Roster: 0
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 0
Season Total: 1885
AMIE
Roster: 675
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 675
Season Total: 4170
ANGELA
Roster: 565
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 765
Season Total: 4115
ASHLEE
Roster: 565
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 765
Season Total: 3005
BRIAN
Roster: 1240
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 1440
Season Total: 6800
CARLEY
Roster: 565
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 565
Season Total: 5040
EMILY
Roster: 0
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 0
Season Total: 2675
JENN
Roster: 1240
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 1240
Season Total: 6425
JEN
Roster: 0
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 0
Season Total: 1770
KYLIE
Roster: 1240
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 1240
Season Total: 6485
LINDSAY
Roster: 675
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 875
Season Total: 4030
LINDSEY
Roster: 1240
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 1240
Season Total: 6000
MALLORY
Roster: 565
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 565
Season Total: 4550
MICHELLE
Roster: 0
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 200
Season Total: 2900
MOLLY
Roster: 565
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 565
Season Total: 3885
SARAH
Roster: 1240
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 1440
Season Total: 7175
SHELBY
Roster: 565
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 765
Season Total: 3950
TIFFANY
Roster: 1240
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 1240
Season Total: 6590
TOBIN
Roster: 1240
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 1440
Season Total: 7220
ZACK
Roster: 565
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 765
Season Total: 5700

Week 8 and 9 Scoring Recap

POINT SCORERS (EPISODE 1)
Andi - 85 (Kiss, Disapproving Family Member, Rose)
Clare - 135 (Kiss, Dead Dad, Cry, Disapproving Family Member)
Nikki - 50 (Kiss, Stepmom, Rose)
Renee - 260 (Fourth Place Finish, Kid, Kiss, Cry, Cries w JP, JP Cries)

POINT SCORERS (EPISODE 2)
Andi - 365 (Third Place Finish, Kiss, Camilla, Cries Interview, Leaves)
Clare - 90 (Kiss, Camilla, Stepmom, Hot Tub, Rose)
Nikki - 35 (Kiss, Rose)

ABBE
Roster: 450
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 650
Season Total: 1885
AMIE
Roster: 795
Elimination Picks: 400
Roster Bonuses: 150
Total: 1045
Season Total: 3495
ANGELA
Roster: 485
Elimination Picks: 400
Total: 885
Season Total: 3350
ASHLEE
Roster: 225
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 425
Season Total: 2240
BRIAN
Roster: 1020
Elimination Picks: 400
Roster Bonuses: 400
Total: 1820
Season Total: 4360
CARLEY
Roster: 675
Elimination Picks: 400
Roster Bonuses: 150
Total: 995
Season Total: 4475
EMILY
Roster: 450
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 650
Season Total: 2675
JENN
Roster: 1020
Elimination Picks: 400
Roster Bonuses: 400
Total: 1820
Season Total: 5185
JEN
Roster: 450
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 650
Season Total: 1770
KYLIE
Roster: 1020
Elimination Picks: 200
Roster Bonuses: 400
Total: 1620
Season Total: 5245
LINDSAY
Roster: 795
Elimination Picks: 0
Roster Bonuses: 150
Total: 945
Season Total: 3155
LINDSEY
Roster: 760
Elimination Picks: 400
Roster Bonuses: 350
Total: 1510
Season Total: 4760
MALLORY
Roster: 675
Elimination Picks: 400
Roster Bonuses: 150
Total: 1225
Season Total: 3985
MICHELLE
Roster: 450
Elimination Picks: 400
Total: 850
Season Total: 2700
MOLLY
Roster: 485
Elimination Picks: 400
Total: 885
Season Total: 3320
SARAH
Roster: 1020
Elimination Picks: 400
Roster Bonuses: 400
Total: 1820
Season Total: 5735
SHELBY
Roster: 225
Elimination Picks: 400
Total: 625
Season Total: 3185
TIFFANY
Roster: 760
Elimination Picks: 400
Roster Bonuses: 350
Total: 1510
Season Total: 5350
TOBIN
Roster: 1020
Elimination Picks: 300
Roster Bonuses: 400
Total: 1420
Season Total: 5780
ZACK
Roster: 675
Elimination Picks: 400
Roster Bonuses: 150
Total: 1225
Season Total: 4935

Week 7 Scoring Recap

POINT SCORERS
Sharleen - 235 (1 on 1, Kiss, Leaves, Cries JP, JP Cries)
Andi - 185 (Group date, group rose, kiss, Concert, Dance, Cries Interview, Cries JP)
Clare - 205 (Group date, Cries JP, Dead Father, Kiss, Fight, Rose)
Nikki - 205 (1 on 1, Kiss, Talks about being a Mom, Camila, Fight, Rose)
Renee - 20 (Group date, rose)
Chelsie - 110 (Group date, Cries JP, JP Cries, Cries Interview)

ABBE
Roster: 185
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 385
Season Total: 1235
AMIE
Roster: 410
Elimination Picks: 200
Roster Bonuses: 205
Total: 815
Season Total: 2450
ANGELA
Roster: 225
Elimination Picks: 200
Roster Bonuses: 150
Total: 575
Season Total: 2465
ASHLEE
Roster: 205
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 405
Season Total: 1815
BRIAN
Roster: 615
Elimination Picks: 200
Roster Bonuses: 260
Total: 1075
Season Total: 3540
CARLEY
Roster: 625
Elimination Picks: 200
Roster Bonuses: 170
Total: 995
Season Total: 3480
EMILY
Roster: 295
Elimination Picks: 200
Roster Bonuses: 50
Total: 545
Season Total: 2085
JENN
Roster: 615
Elimination Picks: 200
Roster Bonuses: 260
Total: 1075
Season Total: 3365
JEN
Roster: 185
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 385
Season Total: 1120
KYLIE
Roster: 725
Elimination Picks: 200
Roster Bonuses: 280
Total: 1205
Season Total: 3625
LINDSAY
Roster: 410
Elimination Picks: 200
Roster Bonuses: 205
Total: 815
Season Total: 2210
LINDSEY
Roster: 595
Elimination Picks: 200
Roster Bonuses: 205
Total: 1000
Season Total: 3250
MALLORY
Roster: 500
Elimination Picks: 200
Roster Bonuses: 170
Total: 870
Season Total: 2760
MICHELLE
Roster: 530
Elimination Picks: 0
Roster Bonuses: 70
Total: 600
Season Total: 1850
MOLLY
Roster: 225
Elimination Picks: 200
Roster Bonuses: 150
Total: 575
Season Total: 2435
SARAH
Roster: 725
Elimination Picks: 200
Roster Bonuses: 280
Total: 1205
Season Total: 3915
SHELBY
Roster: 205
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 405
Season Total: 2560
TIFFANY
Roster: 595
Elimination Picks: 200
Roster Bonuses: 205
Total: 1000
Season Total: 3840
TOBIN
Roster: 850
Elimination Picks: 200
Roster Bonuses: 280
Total: 1330
Season Total: 4360
ZACK
Roster: 735
Elimination Picks: 200
Roster Bonuses: 190
Total: 1125
Season Total: 3710

Week 6 Scoring Recap

Hey look at this! I actually had time to write a recap this week AND I'm putting it out the same night the episode aired! Lucky all of you! I wrote this while watching so it's basically live blog style.

- Ah, New Zealand. Finally, we're in a place that hasn't been ripped apart by controversial war! Unless you count the Battle for Middle Earth. WHICH I DO.
- These are the tiniest beds ever. My 9 month old son would not stand for sleeping in that bed.
- I'm just going to start ending sentences like someone just said "Infinity pool." Like, "I have a pretty good day at woooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkkkk." Kind of like Oprah. "Everyone gets a tabbbbleeettttttttttttt!"
- Remember at the beginning of the season when I said Clare was too hot to be single if she's normal? Welp...I think we're all seeing why Clare is still single.
- I have no patience for a 21 year old freaking out about not being married yet. Knock it off.
- Remember when Chelsie was still in the house? That was fun. Wait, she's STILL here?!?

ANDI'S DATE
- Sure, Andi gets a speed boat in an exotic location. But does that boat turn into a car? I doubt it. Point for Cassandra!
- Worst. Swimsuit. Ever.
- There's no way this doesn't end in someone getting bitten by an anaconda.
- Can you imagine the crazy river parasites that they're picking up?
- BTW, there is no nature feature that is more boring than a geyser. "So once a day, it shoots water up in the air for 10 seconds? Awesome." I'm just saying.
- Clare's fake, "Wait, me?" is the worst. Please jump inside a geyser. And wait a day for the water to get you wet...you know what, that's not a very good threat. Nevermind.
- WHAT CONVERSATIONS ARE YOU HAVING WITH THIS GUY???
- Honest question: Does JP know what a district attorney does?
- "This geyser represents my love. Once a day..." I'm backing off that one too. Goodnight all!

GROUP DATE
- Stop talking, Cassandra. Just stop. No more. I beg of you.
- "You know what this giant plastic rolling ball needs? Water and us in our swimsuits."
- I don't understand why JP is not all about Kat. She seems like the girl who should be dominating this show but he does not seem all that interested.
- Hey good job Nikki! You kissed him twice! Now think about what everyone else was doing. And now you're sad.
- This is probably the worst group of people in the world to bring to Hobbiton. I'd bet Sharleen is the only one who has ever willingly seen the movie.
- I said SHUT UP CASSANDRA!
- I'm going to go ahead and say Cassandra has baggage.
- These selfies are going to look great in that "Bachelor Scrap Book of Girls I Made Out with Just Weeks Before I Proposed to My Fiancee" coffee table book.
- I hope Renee gets sent home soon because she is way too good for this tool.
- I could watch JP and Sharleen talk to each other for hours. Except the opposite of that.
- When are Sharleen and JP going to sing "A Whole New World" together?
- Somewhere in The Shire, a hobbit is about to get lucky with a really drunk girl on her birthday. (Okay, that's my third Hobbit/Lord of the Rings related joke so I guess I'll try to stop now. No promises.)
- WHY DOESN'T HE LIKE KAT???
- Great birthday or GREATEST birthday?
- It's always fun when you get to blame it on the kid. It's also nice when the three adjectives you can come up with to describe someone are, "Pretty. Funny. Nice."
- This is the kind of a music a network procedural uses right before a dramatic car crash. Sorry your birthday is getting even worse, Cassandra.

CLARE'S DATE
- No joke, our friend Carly is here and when they showed those lambs, she went, "OOOOH-HO-HO!" and was genuinely excited.
- What if Clare had an actual turtle shell that she could take out of her bag and crawl into? These are the things I think about this season.
- Hey, let's keep talking about it! That'll be fun.
- I don't want to come out in defense of JP or anything but...I mean...has Clare ever met a guy before?
- "What are the boundaries, you ask, Clare? Oh, I don't know, probably not humping in the ocean would be a good start. MAYBE in a heart shaped lagoon. But not just the regular ocean."
- Literally at no point did JP apologize to you.
- I really missed an opportunity to score points for those times when JP has to ask what a word means. Sorry guys. I've let you all down.
- Did The Bachelor hire a new music selector? I don't feel like there's ever been this much music before, barring Jake's season.

COCKTAIL PARTY/ROSE CEREMONY
- Next year, people get points when they say they wish they had a rose. Mark it down.
- "Hey, why aren't y'all partying and having a good time? Oh, because one of you is about to go home alone without getting to go on the remainder of the Lord of the Rings walking tour? My bad."
- Is there even a 10% chance that whoever this guy picks will still be with him by the time we get to After the Final Rose? This is a train wreck for this show.
- It's not like this show has been a hallmark for great conversation or anything but seriously, if you supercut all of the actual, real conversations he has had with all of the girls throughout the season, it'd be like 12 seconds long.
- "There's nothing more attractive than a woman talking about her kid. Except what Clare did last week. That was hotter."
- Oh, Chelsie. Just give it up. This is over for you.
- She's talking fast, JP is tipsy and doesn't understand English that well, anyway. Good call, Chelsie.
- Now is definitely the right time to tell a sad story to swing him in your favor. Well played, Kat.
- Also, if there are four girls left who don't have a rose and you know it's between two of you as to who gets a rose, SPOILER ALERT: you're going home next week.
- I still don't get why he's not into Kat but there you have it. So weird.
- But fret not, Kat. You will be INCREDIBLY popular on the soon-to-return Bachelor Pad.

POINT SCORERS
Sharleen - 110 (Group date, group rose, kiss, cry)
Andi - 60 (1 on 1, kiss, rose)
Clare - 75 (1 on 1, kiss, rose, dance)
Nikki - 45 (Group date, rose, kiss)
Renee - 120 (Group date, rose, kiss, cry, lower back tattoo, child)
Kat - 35 (Group Date, Cry)

ABBE
Roster: 60
Elimination Picks: 150
Total: 210
Season Total: 850
AMIE
Roster: 260
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 460
Season Total: 1635
ANGELA
Roster: 195
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 195
Season Total: 1890
ASHLEE
Roster: 75
Elimination Picks: 75
Total: 150
Season Total: 1410
BRIAN
Roster: 300
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 500
Season Total: 2465
CARLEY
Roster: 245
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 445
Season Total: 2485
EMILY
Roster: 115
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 315
Season Total: 1540
JENN
Roster: 300
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 300
Season Total: 2290
JEN
Roster: 60
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 60
Season Total: 735
KYLIE
Roster: 320
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 520
Season Total: 2420
LINDSAY
Roster: 225
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 225
Season Total: 1395
LINDSEY
Roster: 180
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 380
Season Total: 2250
MALLORY
Roster: 155
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 355
Season Total: 1890
MICHELLE
Roster: 190
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 190
Season Total: 1250
MOLLY
Roster: 195
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 195
Season Total: 1860
SARAH
Roster: 320
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 320
Season Total: 2710
SHELBY
Roster: 110
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 310
Season Total: 2155
TIFFANY
Roster: 215
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 415
Season Total: 2840
TOBIN
Roster: 410
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 410
Season Total: 3030
ZACK
Roster: 300
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 300
Season Total: 2585

Weeks 4 and 5 Scoring Recap

POINT SCORERS
WEEK 3
Chelsi - 20 (Group date, Rose)
Cassandra - 20 (Group date, Rose)
Danielle - 20 (Group date, Rose)
Renee - 20 (Group date, Rose)
Alli - 20 (Group date, Rose)
Sharleen - 85 (1 on 1 date, shows off a talent, kiss, rose)
Clare - 95 (Group date, rose, cry, kiss, accuses someone)
Nikki - 195 (Group date, accused, accuses, talks about Camilla, Group Rose, kiss, interrupts)
Kat - 80 (Group date, Rose, Cries interview, Accused)
Andi - 60 (Group date, group rose)
Elise - 35 (Group date, Cries interview)
Lauren - 85 (Group date, shares a dance albeit begrudgingly, cries interview, cries with JP)

WEEK 4
Renee - 85 (1 on 1, talks about child, rose, kiss)
Sharleen - 70 (Group date, rose, kiss, cry)
Clare - 245 (Group date, group rose, kiss, hot tub, cries interview, cries with JP, overnight)
Nikki - 125 (1 on 1, fear, harness, kiss, Camilla to JP, Rose)
Cassandra - 20 (Group date, rose)
Chelsi - 20 (Group date, rose)
Kat - 20 (Group date, rose)
Andi - 20 (Group date, rose, kiss)
Kelly - 10 (Group date)
Danielle - 10 (Group date)
Alli - 35 (Group date, cries interview)

ABBE
Roster: 135
Elimination Picks: 225
Total: 360
Season Total: 640
AMIE
Roster: 605
Elimination Picks: 150
Total: 755
Season Total: 1175
ANGELA
Roster: 585
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 785
Season Total: 1695
ASHLEE
Roster: 375
Elimination Picks: 150
Total: 525
Season Total: 1260
BRIAN
Roster: 845
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 1045
Season Total: 1965
CARLEY
Roster: 695
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 895
Season Total: 2040
EMILY
Roster: 360
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 560
Season Total: 1225
JENN
Roster: 845
Elimination Picks: 400
Total: 1245
Season Total: 1990
JEN
Roster: 220
Elimination Picks: 150
Total: 370
Season Total: 675
KYLIE
Roster: 885
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 1085
Season Total: 1900
LINDSAY
Roster: 560
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 760
Season Total: 1170
LINDSEY
Roster: 795
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 995
Season Total: 1870
MALLORY
Roster: 600
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 800
Season Total: 1535
MICHELLE
Roster: 330
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 330
Season Total: 1060
MOLLY
Roster: 480
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 680
Season Total: 1665
SARAH
Roster: 985
Elimination Picks: 275
Total: 1260
Season Total: 2390
SHELBY
Roster: 525
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 725
Season Total: 1845
TIFFANY
Roster: 840
Elimination Picks: 400
Total: 1240
Season Total: 2425
TOBIN
Roster: 1080
Elimination Picks: 400
Total: 1480
Season Total: 2620
ZACK
Roster: 715
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 915
Season Total: 2285

Week 3 Scoring Recap

I'm doing things a little differently this week. Instead of watching the show, taking notes, and coming back later to write the recap, I'm just going to write as I watch. So it's essentially live blogging this important event in human history, only I'm "live blogging" an event that was taped months ago and then broadcast over 48 hours ago. Hip hip!

- Quote from Kelly: "A lot of love has come out of this show." I'm not entirely sure she's ever watched this show before. Or she defines "a lot" as...like, two? Do we count Jason and Molly considering that he had to throw my girl Melissa Rycroft under the bus on national TV to get to Molly? Do we count Ashley and JP in spite of JP's really unfortunate nipples? I'm not so sure about "a lot."
- I say this every season, but, Note to Bachelor producers: More Chris Harrison.
- I kind of feel like behind the scenes, Sean told Juan Pablo that the best strategy is to give roses and important dates to the weirdest, most socially awkward girls in the house and keep everyone guessing. First Sharleen, then Kelly, now Cassandra? Come on.

CASSANDRA'S DATE
- This girl has ZERO personality.
- Kind of wish the driving into the water thing was really just JP realizing that Cassandra is a complete waste of time and deciding to strand her in the water while he runs back to the mansion.
- So are we supposed to connect the dots that Cassandra got knocked up on her last first date? Because I did. Is that wrong?
- Renee seems like a really nice person. She's like the house mom. So she'll probably be gone within the next week.
- What's happening with the music in this episode? Isn't it usually just background music, not actual songs? Wait, are they preparing us for the return of theme songs on this show??? Are we getting a remix of "On the Wings of Love" sung in Spanish??? Gosh I hope so.
- Stop wearing that bandanna right this instant, Kat.
- Did you guys know this is Cassandra's first date in three years?
- No one has Cassandra on their roster so I'm basically just playing Skip Bo on my iPad at this point.
- Christy is still here?! Has she spoken even once?
- I feel like he's about to ask Cassandra to babysit Camilla while he goes on a date with Clare.
- There can't be much worse in this world than being 21 and having your occupation listed as "FORMER NBA Dancer."
- She has a giraffe neck which is obviously what he's looking for given the rose.

GROUP DATE
- I think it's funny to think that any of these girls have ever, in their lives, given one second of thought to MLS soccer. I guarantee most of them had to be primed on who the LA Galaxy are and what sport they play.
- Is Kelly having an allergic reaction to something? Her eye is getting droopier by the episode.
- Ashlee told me that Elise was once "involved" with one of the guys from the Jersey Shore and I absolutely believe this.
- Wait, the opera singer isn't good at sports? Is this real life?
- I just spent the last 5 minutes trying to figure out who the blonde on Blue is and just realized it's Christy, who I've already made a joke about in this recap. Go home, Christy.
- Nikki is playing this beautifully. She's not anywhere near as unnerved and insecure as she's letting on but man she's working it in just the right way. She's playing a great game, she will definitely be someone that the other girls hate later on.
- Elise is going to murder Chelsie in her sleep. Keep one eye open, Chelsie!
- Daniella looks like a flesh colored Na'vi. (Thanks for that joke, Ashlee.)
- I cannot figure this Sharleen girl out. What's her deal, y'all?
- And the award for the first girl to freak out about the Bachelor kissing multiple girls goes to...ANDI!!!
- I like that JP says this is his favorite group date, which is pretty much a given considering that there have only been two so far and on the last one, a girl actually and quite literally went CRAZY.
- Sharleen is going to lose her crap. I'm telling y'all, Nikki came to play.

CHELSIE'S DATE
- Lucy sounds like a man right now.
- "He didn't go right to Chelsie today, he looked right at me." Oh Elise.
- There's no way Chelsie actually likes this music. I don't even think actual Hispanics like Latin music.
- I'm getting more and more excited for Elise's inevitable meltdown.
- I would like to see a scale that goes from 1 to terrified.
- I've said it before, I'm sure I'll say it again: It is bad business for both The Bachelor and ABC to have one of their contestants die while doing a bungee jump. So suck it up and jump off the bridge.
- At this point, just push her off.
- And the obligatory upside down kissing. Because, hey, if you can pattern your relationship after Jake and Vienna, you have to do it. (The Internet did not have a picture of Jake and Vienna hanging upside down on a bungee cord so really, I don't even know what the Internet is for anymore.)
- Hey Elise, you're 3 years older than Chelsie and also you've been linked to The Jersey Shore. So maybe shut it.
- Well, last week's concert was semi-rock-like (BTW, did anyone besides Lindsey and me know who Josh Krajcik is?) so obviously we couldn't go two weeks in a way without a dose of country. I should start giving extra points if the concert is not country. And 1 million bonus points if it is country and the girl is like, "No thanks" and walks out.

HOUSE
- Wait, Kelly isn't a morning person? You guys. I feel like I don't know these girls at all. I'm totally kidding. There was never any way that Kelly would enjoy the morning ever.
- How bad does Molly the Dog hate her life?
- Renee is going to kill in this early morning setting. Way more natural than anyone else. (I guess besides Lucy, but does she really count?)
- Oh hey there's Christy again! Enjoy your last meal in the mansion, Christy.
- We could probably all do without the close up shot of someone putting sunscreen on her boobs, right?
- I love that these girls are trashing Kat for being "aggressive." This is why she's a contender and you'll be in a limo soon, ladies.
- Just go home, Sharleen. This is not the place for you. This bit of yours is going to get old fast.
- Oh Clare, I had such high hopes for you but you cannot be freaking out about this stuff this early in the game.
- Hey when does Kacie B show up to try and talk her way on to the show? I thought that was a new tradition.
- There's Renee to be House Mom again. She's got to be the nicest person in the world.

ROSE CEREMONY
- Did they wait another 8 hours before they did the rose ceremony or did Chris Harrison have his cronies lower the lights in the dome like in The Truman Show? These are the things I look forward to learning when Chris' autobiography comes out.
- You know what would make this better? If there was a dude with a massive keyboard setup over in the corner cranking out those harsh tones that signal the beginning of the drama. How much more tense would this whole thing be? Gah, I'd love that.
- At this point, we have to assume JP really digs Molly the Dog, right? He can't possibly be into Kelly.
- I'm nervous. Lucy hasn't caused near enough drama to this point to justify having her on my team.
- Noooooo!!!!! How do the producers not FORCE him to keep the free spirit girl around?! Curse you, Chris Harrison!!!
- Christy can't believe it's over; I can't believe she made it this long.

POINT SCORERS
Elise - 50 (Talks about dead mom, survives without date)
Andi - 45 (Group date, rose, kiss)
Sharleen - 85 (Group date, rose, kiss, cry)
Nikki - 60 (Group date, group rose)
Chelsie - 110 (1-on-1 date, Date with worst fear, harness, kiss, rose, concert)
Clare - 95 (Tattoo, Cry, Cry in Interview)
Christy - 35 (Group date, cry)
Lucy - 35 (Group date, cry)
Renee - 20 (Group date, rose)
Kelly - 20 (Group date, rose)
Kat - 20 (Group date, rose)
Alli - 20 (Group date, rose)
Lauren - 20 (Group date, rose)
Daniella - 20 (Group date, rose)

ABBE
Roster: 135
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 135
Season Total: 280
AMIE
Roster: 145
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 145
Season Total: 420
ANGELA
Roster: 190
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 190
Season Total: 910
ASHLEE
Roster: 180
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 180
Season Total: 735
BRIAN
Roster: 255
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 255
Season Total: 920
CARLEY
Roster: 290
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 490
Season Total: 1145
EMILY
Roster: 215
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 215
Season Total: 685
JENN
Roster: 255
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 255
Season Total: 745
JEN
Roster: 85
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 85
Season Total: 305
KYLIE
Roster: 330
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 330
Season Total: 815
LINDSAY
Roster: 180
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 180
Season Total: 410
LINDSEY
Roster: 255
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 255
Season Total: 875
MALLORY
Roster: 275
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 275
Season Total: 735
MICHELLE
Roster: 255
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 455
Season Total: 730
MOLLY
Roster: 200
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 200
Season Total: 985
SARAH
Roster: 330
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 530
Season Total: 1130
SHELBY
Roster: 170
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 370
Season Total: 1120
TIFFANY
Roster: 255
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 455
Season Total: 1185
TOBIN
Roster: 300
Elimination Picks: 75
Total: 375
Season Total: 1140
ZACK
Roster: 350
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 550
Season Total: 1370

Week 2 Recap

POINT SCORERS
CLARE - 280 (1-on-1 date, First Hot Tub, Mentions Dead Family Member, First Kiss, Conert, Rose)
KAT - 75 (1-on-1, Rose, Kiss, Dance)
VICTORIA - 105 (Group Date, Tattoo, Visibly Inebriated, Cries, Cries and Creates Scene)
CASSANDRA - 95 (Mentions Kid, Cries, Cries to JP)
CHRISTY - 45 (Group Date, Rose, Tattoo)
SHARLEEN - 35 (Rose, Survives without Date)
NIKKI - 20 (Group Date, Rose)
ANDI - 20 (Group Date, Rose)
ELISE - 20 (Group Date, Rose)
RENEE - 20 (Group Date, Rose)
LUCY - 20 (Group Date, Rose)
ALLI - 20 (Group Date, Rose)
CHELSIE - 20 (Group Date, Rose)
LAUREN - 20 (Group Date, Rose)

ABBE
Roster: 105
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 105
Season Total: 145
AMIE
Roster: 135
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 135
Season Total: 275
ANGELA
Roster: 360
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 560
Season Total: 720
ASHLEE
Roster: 450
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 450
Season Total: 555
BRIAN
Roster: 360
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 560
Season Total: 665
CARLEY
Roster: 375
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 375
Season Total: 655
EMILY
Roster: 155
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 355
Season Total: 470
JENN
Roster: 360
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 360
Season Total: 490
JEN
Roster: 60
Elimination Picks: 50
Total: 110
Season Total: 220
KYLIE
Roster: 360
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 360
Season Total: 485
LINDSAY
Roster: 100
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 100
Season Total: 230
LINDSEY
Roster: 360
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 560
Season Total: 620
MALLORY
Roster: 360
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 360
Season Total: 460
MICHELLE
Roster: 95
Elimination Picks: 0
Total: 95
Season Total: 275
MOLLY
Roster: 445
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 645
Season Total: 785
SARAH
Roster: 360
Elimination Picks: 115
Total: 475
Season Total: 600
SHELBY
Roster: 420
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 640
Season Total: 750
TIFFANY
Roster: 440
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 640
Season Total: 730
TOBIN
Roster: 375
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 575
Season Total: 765
ZACK
Roster: 430
Elimination Picks: 200
Total: 630
Season Total: 820

Week 1 Recap

Welcome to another exciting season of The Bachelor Fantasy League! Or, the Sport of Kings as the Romans called it. Chris Harrison has promised this will be the most exciting, drama-filled season ever and he's not one to exaggerate things so I believe him. Let's jump right in.

JUAN PABLO

- It just occurred to me, as the first bits of footage run, that we know only three things about Juan Pablo:
1.) He is of Venezuelan descent. (Actually I couldn't remember exactly where he was from so I had to Google it. Off to a good start.)
2.) He was a professional soccer player. (But does the Venezuelan league really count?)
3.) He has a daughter.
That's it. That's all we know because he spent Des' whole season sort-of mumbling and kissing and then he was gone. So whereas Chris Harrison wants us to believe he is the most attractive Bachelor ever (HOW DARE YOU FORGET ABOUT BRAD WOMACK, CHRIS!!!), he probably should have just called him the "Most Mysterious Bachelor" ever. That is, until they bring back the guy that wore a mask in Ashley's season.
- My only real question about all of this: If you live in Miami, a city that is literally overflowing with attractive women, why do you need to go on The Bachelor? Oh right, fame mongering. My bad.
- I love in these intros when they make the Bachelor/Bachelorette walk on a beach and look dejected in the presence of another couple making out. At least JP has his soccer ball to keep him company. Like Wilson.
- When Sean asked JP, "What's your kissing strategy?" I like to think that Don Draper, Frank Sinatra, and a host of other real men everywhere rolled over in their respective, booze-soaked graves.

BACHELORETTE BIOS
Now, of course we've all looked these women over time and time again on the website in order to make our roster selections but here are just a couple of things that stood out:
- I can't get a read on Chelsie. I know she can't win but she seems like a lot of fun. Is it the kind of fun that will stick around for a long time or the kind of fun that will get decidedly less fun when she's stuck in a house with a bunch of catty women and drinks too much?
- Renee has a kid (common ground!) and she's very athletic (a factor this year) but she also seems normal so that won't play.
- The court room scene with Andi might as well have been filmed on the set of Judge Judy. Fakest thing ever. Also, her sun glasses remind me of David Caruso. Not the best image.
- I liked Amy when I looked at her online bio. After seeing this video, I am thanking my lucky stars I didn't pick her. What a weirdo.
- Lacy is clearly a very serious, good person so I imagine she'll be gone by night's end.
- In my show notes for Clare's bio, I wrote. "Hot, half-Mexican, dead dad." She's perfect for reality TV!

LIMO ENTRANCE

Very quickly, a few notes on the limo entrances:
- I thought Amy's "The sun could not set fast enough" statement was weird but then someone else said it later so maybe this was a point of discussion in the limo.
- Christy said that she "wouldn't be here for anyone else" and then I missed the next 30 minutes of the show because I was laughing so hard.
- According to JP, Kat smells good which should give ABC a great idea for upcoming seasons: Scratch and Sniff The Bachelor! I'll just leave now.
- Victoria looks sweet and normal which is awesome because we all think she's going to go CRAZY in the next episode or two.
- I'm pretty sure Lucy got lost on the way to a Renaissance faire and somehow would up in the Bachelor limo. I know she's a "free spirit" but seriously, she looks like she should be spinning around a Maypole.
- Valerie and Danielle get to share the award for Worst Dress of the Season.
- I could not possibly be any more "meh" on Elise.
- Lauren H. has some of the worst facial expressions I've ever seen on a person. She is the polar opposite of Jim Halpert. (BTW, if you love Jim Halpert as much as I do, you'll want to watch that one.)
- I'm a big fan of dogs (not my dog, you understand, but other people's dogs and dogs I've had in the past) but the whole bring the dog bit from Kelly was weird. Also, is it me or does she kind of look like a dog?
- Alexis gets the prize for being the first and only participant to really speak Spanish to JP.
- And Kylie might be a man.

COCKTAIL PARTY

- Regarding JP's long speech at the beginning of the party: what percentage of these women understood more than half of what he said? I'm guessing 25% at best.
- That dance party was soooo lame compared to The Office dance party.
- I really enjoyed Nikki asking JP if he knew what a pediatric nurse is and his simple response of, "No."
- We've had plenty of instances of participants getting a little tipsy on the first night but have we ever had The Bachelor/Bachelorette get drunk? Because JP was in need of some STRONG coffee by about halfway through the party.
- I cannot wait for all the fights Lucy is going to start this year. She's the perfect contestant for this show.
- So...we all understand now why none of Amy's boyfriends like her massage's right?
- There have been worse meltdowns in the history of this show but Lauren H's was a particularly devastating brand of psychological breakdown. You know you're losing it when you say things like, "I'm sooooo over it" while crying over the very thing you just said you're over. She is very lucky Sean wasn't here to convince JP to give her another week out of courtesy.
- The best way I can characterize Sharleen is to say she is very put together. Professional, serious, composed. Her breakdown will come quickly I think. BUT! That sort of togetherness was enough to confuse Tipsy Juan Pablo into giving her the First Impression Rose which clearly she didn't care about and clearly JP will regret later. This could be a PSA on drinking.

ROSE CEREMONY

I have only two thoughts on this first ceremony:
1.) THAT DANG DOG IS STILL HERE??? What is happening? Is she just going to be wandering around the mansion all season? Think of the things that poor dog is going to be subjected to!!! I'm calling the SPCA. Sarah McLachlan is not happy.
2.) Kylie walking forward was EPIC. And I don't even like saying "EPIC." We're all over "EPIC", right? But what other term fits? There are so many layers to that! For one, even with that thick accent, it didn't sound like he said "Kylie" AT ALL. For another, if you had stopped the show after the limo exits and asked me to put money on which girl would pull this, I DEFINITELY would've picked Kylie. OF COURSE she did that. And lastly, if before the ceremony, Chris had JP rank the contestants from top to bottom, there's no question that Kylie would've been on the bottom. Such a ridiculous moment of television.

POINT SCORERS
(NOTE: I didn't make note of who brought a gift for JP and who brought a gift for Camila so all gift givers are getting 20 this week. Also, it actually had to be a GIFT, not a PROP to get points.)
Renee - 50p (first to mention kid to JP)
Christine - 20p (brings a gift for Camila)
Nicki - 25p (visible tattoo)
Kat - 15p (shares a dance with JP)
Lauren S - 50p (performs a song, original song)
Ashley - 20p (gift)
Maggie - 20p (gift)
Lacy - 20p (gift)
Alexis - 15p (speaks Spanish)
Elise - 50p (first to mention dead family member)
Lauren H - 25p (cries during interview)
Danielle - 20p (gift)
Sharleen - 125p (first impression rose)
Clare, Nikki, Renee, Andi, Alli, Chantel, Lauren S, Kelly, Cassandra, Danielle, Chelsie, Kat, Victoria, Christy, Lucy, Elise, Amy L. - +10p for a rose

ABBE
Total: 40
AMIE
Total: 140
ANGELA
Total: 160
ASHLEE
Total: 105
BRIAN
Total: 105
CARLEY
Total: 280
EMILY
Total: 115
JENN
Total: 130
JEN
Total: 110
KYLIE
Total: 125
LINDSAY
Total: 130
LINDSEY
Total: 60
MALLORY
Total: 100
MICHELLE
Total: 180
MOLLY
Total: 140
SARAH
Total: 125
SHELBY
Total: 130
TIFFANY
Total: 90
TOBIN
Total: 190
ZACK
Total: 190

Season 4 Scoring Recaps

Week 1
Week 2
Week 3 and 4
Week 5
Week 6
Week 7
Week 8
Week 9
Week 10

Week 10 Scoring Recap

Well folks, this is it. The moment day we've all been waiting for. This is for alllllllll the marbles. Will Des choose Chris? Will she choose Drew? Will Brooks come back? Will Des have to return to LA alone to live with her probably abusive brother? Inquiring minds want to know.

CHRIS HARRISON and ROSE CEREMONY
- I like that we open on Des crying, alone, at the end of a dock. Because that's what a show that's supposedly all about love should start with.
- Probably the most awkward Chris Harrison interview ever, wouldn't you say? I thought for a while that we were just going to get two hours of Des sniffling and then cut to After the Final Rose.
- Des: "My heart is broken but my spirit isn't." Ummm...it might be broken, kiddo.
- Des: "I had hopes and now I don't." Keep in mind that, should she end up coming out of this whole thing with a fiance, that person will be seeing this. Dumb Dumb.
- Chris looks kind of pissed at the Rose Ceremony but I can't tell if he's angry FOR Des or angry AT Des.
- For just a minute, ABC made it seem like both Chris and Drew were going to reject Des' offer of a potential consolation prize but then we all realized that it would be a pretty boring two hours if everything ended now. Cue the hopeful music and cut to the live studio audience expressing faux relief. I hate the studio audience. Unless they want me to be in the studio audience, then I'm all about the studio audience.

DREW'S "DATE"
- Another shot of Des getting dressed with seriously questionably closeups. We've now made up for two of the Sean shower scenes. Only 347 to go!
- Someone in the room/Twitter said, "If you're wearing THAT outfit to a date, clearly you no longer care" and I second this. That ensemble looked like something out of the Ashley H. Collection.
- I like that Des is forcing Drew to go on a horse back ride before breaking his little heart. Because when you're getting dumped, it's best to get dumped after riding out to a distant location so that you have a longer distance to cover during your walk of shame. And also you smell like a horse. (Hash tag: Not a fan of horses.)
- Once the horse ride is over, Des gets right down to the business of breaking Drew's heart which is great and all, but honestly, if you got to it that fast, you knew you weren't digging him at the rose ceremony. Just cancel the ceremony and quietly dismiss Drew without letting Chris know. There's no point otherwise.
- The real dagger of this conversation: Drew's statement that, "I would want you to be as in love with me as I am with you." OUCH. Take note of this comment, Chris.
- And it wouldn't be a conversation about Drew without once again pointing out that I bypassed approximately 108,000 comments/jokes that could have been made regarding his sexuality. I'm just not convinced, bro. 

CHRIS' DATE
- I like that the rules for Des on this date were, "No horses, no shirts, no problems." Just based on outfit alone, you could tell she was digging Chris over Drew. 
- Wait, is Des pigeon toed? Has she been pigeon toed this entire time and I'm just now noticing? What is the world coming to?! This is my bread and butter! This is what I do! I point out the flaws in other people so that I can feel better about myself! How did I miss this? Excuse me y'all, I need to go think about my place in this world.
- Okay, I'm back. I'm not completely sure that she's pigeon toed but something weird is going on with her walk. 
- So I'm not alone in thinking Chris' unending loyalty to a girl who just told him she was really into someone else is kind of pathetic, right? How about, "really pathetic"? You've known her for two weeks, bro, you don't have to stick around through this.
- Gah, these two are made for each other just based on how dorky they are. There is definitely a renaissance festival in the future for these two.
- One of my favorite things about these "intimate" dates is the number of other humans who have to be part of the crew that tags along. Case in point: While on the boat, the camera pans away from our loving couple and you distinctly see, like, 47 people crouching down at the back of the boat trying to stay out of the shot. So romantic.
- As the date winds down and things start to get sappy, it seemed like the perfect time for some original poetry and lo and behold, Chris brings out a gift that I'm sure will be a po--- a journal?! What the crap, Chris?! She already has a journal from Zak! We depend on you for original poetry, Chris! GIVE ME SOME NEW POEMS!!! Oh, okay, so the whole journal is a collection of his original work written to Des. Sort of an anthology, on par with the best works of Shelley, Frost, and Jewel. You never fail to deliver, Chris.
- And at the end of the date, Des gives us a truly revelatory statement regarding her own psyche: "I don't know what being loved feels like." Yup.

MEET THE FAMILY
- Before we get to see Chris meet Des' family, we've got to cut to our life studio audience where Chris will now interview Lindsay, Lesley, and...Jackie?! What the crap is Jackie doing here?! Why does The Bachelor think ANYONE cares about Jackie? Jackie doesn't even care about Jackie. I don't get it.
- Lesley still has dead eyes. She's beautiful. But something horrible happened to her as a child, I'm convinced. Maybe it was just realizing at an early age that she lives in Arkansas.
- Back to the meeting and it's going pretty well because Nate hasn't talked yet but you know it's coming and--- oh, there it is! Strange, intense, and personally awkward questions from the brother! You knew you could count on him!
- I can't wait for the Chris Harrison autobiography to drop in 10 years in which he reveals that Nate is actually no relation to Des.
- Chris, for his part, handles this madness with extreme grace and answers all the questions well. Good for him. In his shoes, I would have added the Nate junk in with the fact that, you know, Des is really into someone else and just walked off. But to each his own.
- Best Nate question: "If Des chose Drew, would that absolutely crush your heart?" Quite tactful, Nate.
- Hey, Des, I know little sisters are supposed to talk to their big brothers before making big decisions, but did you know that not all big brothers are super wise? Maybe have a look at his horrendous collection of tattoos and then take everything he says with a grain of salt.
- Somehow, though, Nate didn't ruin things for Des this time and everything is going pretty well so I guess that means you should probably get married after 10 weeks, right?

THE PROPOSAL
- Hey, ABC, stop showing Rebel Wilson all the dang time. Don't get me wrong, I liked Bridesmaids and Fat Amy was fun and all. But I don't need to see her bursting out of her clothes during every single commercial break. Knock it off.
- I don't know why Neil Lane's appearance every season excites me as much as it does but nevertheless, I love that guy.
- I've probably made this joke before but I like to think that when Mr. Lane is showing off the rings, he names the various diamond cuts after former Bachelor(ette) competitors. "Chris, this the Mesnick cut and, having watched the last 9 weeks unfold, I think this is probably the most fitting ring for you."
- Chris: "I believe I can make Des happier than anyone else." (Except Brooks or probably Sean.)
- A point from the room: "Des loves him because he loves her." Bingo.
- Wait, Des, did you just say you don't know what you're going to do? Probably not a great idea to wait until the actual proposal to decide. Poor form.
- I was getting nervous as Chris started to go into his proposal but then everything seemed to settle down and th-- HOLY CRAP SHE'S GOING TO SAY NO! This is a train wreck! This makes my TV Heart hurt! WHY WOULD YOU LET HIM GET THAT FAR INTO THE WHOLE THING IF YOU WERE GOING TO SAY NO?! I cannot bel--- oh, now the music is playing up and the tone is changing and she's going to say yes. Woah. That was a roller coaster of emotions, there. 
- Finally Des lets Chris finish his proposal and OF COURSE she answered with, "Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!" That's the perfect cap on their entire cheesy romance. I should've found a bookie and put money on her responding like that. It was a virtual lock. UGH.
- Seriously, though, these two are good together so I hope things work out for them. My only disappointment was that Chris didn't turn his proposal into a poem. Opportunity missed.

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
- Be honest, now: You all think Brooks is coming back to steal Des away, right? That has to be in the back of everyone's mind.
- Alas, Brooks is only here to provide a little closure for both parties and get some pub for his Mumford and Sons cover band, The Little Lion Men. Seriously, that guy is the poster child for hipsters. (Also, if you haven't seen the new Mumford and Sons video, you need to do so now. Jason Bateman for the win.)
- Why didn't he watch the finale? He was in the same room that it was being shown. Did he just plug his ears and hum really loudly? Was he locked in a glass case of emotion? What was the point of him not watching the show?
- Chris Harrison takes a shot at Brooks leaving the way he did and that's why I love Chris Harrison. Ryan Seacrest would never dig the knife in on one of his contestants but CH is all about it. 
- My guess is that ring of hers is worth 12 times her car. 
- Top 10 TV moment of the year: Des and Drew, who mind you were seriously entertaining the idea of getting engaged the last time they saw each other, greet one another with, and I'm not exaggerating here, "How you doin'?" like Tony Soprano sitting down to coffee with one of his business associates. So intimate.
- Drew just ended a thought with, "And that's when I knew we were headed down the street to Break Up Town." You can't make these things up.
- Drew is stinking furious. He's trying to hold it in, obviously, but you get the impression that when Drew is broken up with in real life and not in front of a national audience, he goes bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. 
- Finally our star-crossed lovers are united for the first time on camera and we all couldn't be happier for them! Des is moving to Seattle and Chris has already made plans to attend a chain of open mike nights where he can recite his poetry and thereby appease Des' need for absolute cheesiness. He even brought her another new poem, framed and surrounded by petals from all of the roses Des gave him throughout the season. It's fantastic! Except also it looks like the entire thing was written in blood. Probably not the best omen but best of luck, you crazy kids!

POINT SCORERS
Chris - 145 (Rose, Kiss, 1-on-1, Gift, Des Cry, Cry)
Drew - 105 (Rose, Des Cry, Cry, 1-on-1)

ANGELA

Elimination pick (Drew) - 200

Total: 200

Previous Total: 3205

SEASON TOTAL: 3405

BRIAN

Drew

Chris

Elimination pick (Drew) – 200

Winner: 600

Second Place: 400

Total: 1450

Previous Total: 5320

SEASON TOTAL: 6770

CARLY

Drew

Elimination pick (Drew) – 200

Second Place: 400

Total: 705

Previous Total: 3575

SEASON TOTAL: 4280

EMILY

Elimination pick (Drew) – 200

Total: 200

Previous Total: 3085

SEASON TOTAL: 3285

EMMELIE

Drew

Chris

Elimination pick (Drew) – 200

Winner: 600

Second Place: 400

Total: 1450

Previous Total: 3585

SEASON TOTAL: 5035

JENN G

Drew

Elimination pick (Drew) – 200

Second Place: 400

Total: 705

Previous Total: 3860

SEASON TOTAL: 4565

JEN R

Elimination pick (Drew) – 200

Total: 200

Previous Total: 3550

SEASON TOTAL: 3750

JOSH

Elimination pick (Drew) – 200

Total: 200

Previous Total: 2565

SEASON TOTAL: 2765

KYLIE

Chris

Drew

Elimination pick (Drew) – 200

Winner: 600

Second Place: 400

Total: 1450

Previous Total: 5320

SEASON TOTAL: 6770

LAURA

Drew

Elimination pick (Drew) – 200

Second Place: 400

Total: 705

Previous Total: 3320

SEASON TOTAL: 4025

LINDSAY

Elimination pick (Drew) - 200

Total: 200

Previous Total: 3765

SEASON TOTAL: 3965

LINDSEY

Chris

Drew

Elimination pick (Drew) – 200

Winner: 600

Second Place: 400

Total: 1450

Previous Total: 4285

SEASON TOTAL: 5735

MALLORY

Drew

Chris

Elimination pick (Drew) – 200

Winner: 600

Second Place: 400

Total: 1450

Previous Total: 4215

SEASON TOTAL: 5665

MANDY

Elimination pick (Drew) – 200

Total: 200

Previous Total: 2470

SEASON TOTAL: 2670

MICHELLE

Chris

Drew

Elimination pick (Drew) – 200

Winner: 600

Second Place: 400

Total: 1450

Previous Total: 3860

SEASON TOTAL: 5310

MOLLY

Chris

Drew

Elimination pick (Drew) – 200

Winner: 600

Second Place: 400

Total: 1405

Previous Total: 4460

SEASON TOTAL: 5865

SHELBY

Drew

Elimination pick (Drew) – 200

Second Place: 400

Total: 705

Previous Total: 4120

SEASON TOTAL: 4825

TIFFANY

Elimination pick (Drew) - 200

Total: 200

Previous Total: 3110

SEASON TOTAL: 3310

TOBIN

Total: 0

Previous Total: 2750

SEASON TOTAL: 2750

ZACK

Chris

Elimination pick (Drew) – 200

Winner: 600

Total: 945

Previous Total: 5320

SEASON TOTAL: 6265

Week 9 Scoring Recap

I must admit I completely skipped over the introductions and recaps this week. That was like 30 minutes of stuff I'd already seen. That's unnecessary, Chris Harrison! Straight to the good stuff.

DREW'S DATE
I'm pretty much saying the same three things about Drew every week:
1.) He bores me;
2.) I feel like he's trying too hard;
3.) I'm not sure he likes girls, which is probably why he's trying too hard.
But to Des, Drew is "amazing, passionate, and expressive." Is he? Is he really? Am I just missing something? I know he's got the model looks and everything but isn't that about it? I just feel like he should be performing with Vampire Weekend, not possibly marrying Des.

Anyway, Des and Drew did a lot of kissing which is pretty much what they do best and then it gets down to the fantasy suite. Of course, both of them are all over that because again, all they do is make out and I like to think that, as the door to the Fantasy Suite was slowing closing, somewhere Jonathan was sitting, alone, drinking Boone's Farm straight from the bottle and weeping furiously while screaming, "FANTASY SUIIIITTTTEEEE!!!" Pray for Jonathan, guys. He looked pretty shaken up at The Men Tell All.

BROOKS AND HIS FAMILY
So, this is probably the worst start to someone's time in the top three ever, right? Usually by this point we've weeded out the "Just not that into her" guy and if you're not feeling it by then, well...that's pretty much the sign that this isn't going to happen. Good for Brooks, then, to head to mom's house to discuss things and get some guidance. Smart decisions aren't usually a big part of The Bachelorette so I'm not really sure how to write about that. At least he helped me out a bit by somewhat explicitly telling his mom that he really loves kissing Des. Creepy, bro. Write that stuff on your Zanga next time.

CHRIS' DATE
We've had a decisive lack of helicopter rides this season so I was glad to see Des treat Chris to one as we near the finish line. And then they're off to their own private island which, in my opinion, will be pretty much worthless if it doesn't include a heart-shaped lagoon. (I know I've made this joke before but it's probably my favorite Bachelor-related moment ever.) Also, once again I must point out that if Des doesn't choose Chris, she's an idiot. So she probably won't.

I like that Des referred to Chris' family as "quirky." I would say having a father who insists on performing a very awkward spinal adjustment upon meeting his son's girlfriend for the first time takes it a step beyond "quirky."

Their date went splendidly as expected, complete with some making out in the waves (a great way to get sand in places you don't want sand) and a discussion about whether or not Des would take her business up to Seattle (judging by the 1997 Honda Accord she was driving on the first episode, I'm guessing she's cool with that). Then it was time for the Fantasy Suite card. I always love it when the recipient of the Fantasy Suite card plays it off like the only reason he/she would even consider accepting such an invitation is so the two can spend some "quality" time together TALKING. Or in Chris' case, "sitting outside and looking at the stars." Oh Chris, you're just a hopeless romantic, aren't you?

Before the camera escaped, we got one more dose of Chris' poetry and it was definitely his worst one yet. I'm not saying poetry has to rhyme but there's supposed to be at least some sort of melodic flow to the thing. This was basically a reading of a note he wrote her. You're better than that, Chris.

BROOKS' DATE
Oh boy. In all my years of Bachelor(ette) viewing, I cannot remember a more painful moment. (I guess calling a full hour of tension a "moment" is disingenuous but roll with it.) The year that British guy chose Lorenzo Lamas' kid, there was a girl who literally threw herself at him in the Fantasy Suite and that was awkward. Ed's mishap in Jillian's season was pretty rough. Erika Rose kind of raping Blake during Bachelor Pad last season would've been horrific had Blake not brought it upon himself. And who could forget that guy Chris BREAKING when Ashley said she didn't want to meet his family. None of those top Brooks' break up here, if for no other reason than it just continued to go on and on and on.

Of course, the producers did us no favors by setting the whole thing up with Des admitting that she'd been after Brooks all along and that she had deeper feelings for Brooks than the other two. That's going to go over well with whoever she ends up with! Meanwhile we got Brooks seeking the counsel of Chris who, after letting him dangle for a bit, finally gave the guy an out and just voiced what Brooks was hinting around about: "Dude, you're not feeling it."

To Brooks' unending credit:
1.) This was the right call;
2.) He got right down to business. No foolishness, no pretending things are good for a while before easing into it. He walked up, he hugged her, he walked her quickly to a safe place, and then jumped right into it.

The whole thing felt like an actual, real life breakup. The crying, the confusion, the mix of "fine, then just go" and "but if you feel like you might change your mind..." It was BRUTAL. I have no jokes. I genuinely feel bad for Des, not only because she just went through a miserable breakup on national television but also because if she did end up choosing Chris or Drew, they've not witnessed exactly how into Brooks she was and there's no way they're sticking around through that. Remember how much Emily hated watching Brad with the other girls? And he even admitted that he was totally into Emily from the very beginning. AND! He's BRAD FREAKING WOMACK. This will not end well for Des. But at least the producers were kind enough to give us some extra footage in the credits of Des walking back to her hotel, continuing to cry. Always end on a high!

POINT SCORERS
Drew - 50 (1-on-1, Kiss)
Chris - 150 (1-on-1, Kiss, Helicopter, Original Poem, Hot tub)
Brooks - 205 (Leaves early, Des cries, Cries on "date", Cries in interview, Advised by Chris Harrison)

ANGELA

Brooks

3rd Place Finish - 200

Total: 405

Previous Total: 2850

SEASON TOTAL: 3255

BRIAN

Brooks

Drew

Chris

3rd Place Finish - 200

Roster Bonus (2) - 200

Total: 805

Previous Total: 4515

SEASON TOTAL: 5320

CARLY

Drew

Brooks

3rd Place Finish - 200

Total: 455

Previous Total: 3120

SEASON TOTAL: 3575

EMILY

Brooks

3rd Place Finish - 200

Elimination pick - 200

Total: 605

Previous Total: 2480

SEASON TOTAL: 3085

EMMELIE

Drew

Chris

Brooks

3rd Place Finish - 200

Roster Bonus (2) - 200

Total: 805

Previous Total: 2780

SEASON TOTAL: 3585

JENN G

Brooks

Drew

3rd Place Finish - 200

Elimination Pick (Brooks) - 200

Total: 655

Previous Total: 3205

SEASON TOTAL: 3860

JEN R

Brooks

3rd Place Finish - 200

Total: 405

Previous Total: 3145

SEASON TOTAL: 3550

JOSH

Brooks

3rd Place Finish - 200

Total: 405

Previous Total: 2160

SEASON TOTAL: 2565

KYLIE

Brooks

Chris

Drew

3rd Place Finish - 200

Roster Bonus (2) - 200

Total: 805

Previous Total: 4515

SEASON TOTAL: 5320

LAURA

Brooks

Drew

3rd Place Finish - 200

Total: 455

Previous Total: 2865

SEASON TOTAL: 3320

LINDSAY

Brooks

3rd Place Finish - 200

Total: 405

Previous Total: 3360

SEASON TOTAL: 3765

LINDSEY

Brooks

Chris

Drew

3rd Place Finish - 200

Roster Bonus (2) - 200

Total: 805

Previous Total: 3480

SEASON TOTAL: 4285

MALLORY

Brooks

Drew

Chris

3rd Place Finish - 200

Roster Bonus (2)

Total: 805

Previous Total: 3410

SEASON TOTAL: 4215

MANDY

Brooks

3rd Place Finish - 200

Total: 405

Previous Total: 2065

SEASON TOTAL: 2470

MICHELLE

Chris

Drew

Roster Bonus (2) - 200

Total: 400

Previous Total: 3460

SEASON TOTAL: 3860

MOLLY

Brooks

Chris

Drew

3rd Place Finish - 200

Roster Bonus (2) - 200

Total: 805

Previous Total: 3655

SEASON TOTAL: 4460

SHELBY

Drew

Brooks

3rd Place Finish - 200

Total: 455

Previous Total: 3665

SEASON TOTAL: 4120

TIFFANY

Total: 0

Previous Total: 3110

SEASON TOTAL: 3110

TOBIN

Brooks

3rd Place Finish - 200

Total: 405

Previous Total: 2345

SEASON TOTAL: 2750

ZACK

Brooks

Chris

3rd Place Finish - 200

Roster Bonus (2) - 200

Total: 755

Previous Total: 4565

SEASON TOTAL: 5320